That Mummy Is A Scummy Dummy

The Fallen Ones

The Fallen Ones (2005) is an appropriate title as it accurately describes the career arc of everyone starring in it. A movie about resurrected mummies the size of the Amazing Colossal Man’s neighbor’s brother’s cousin, they metaphorically dug up some old relics to pad out this stinker, including Tom Bosley (Richie Cunningham’s dad on Happy Days) and Robert Wagner (Hart To Hart).

The Fallen Ones

In ancient Sumaria an evil angel gets wind that God is about to flood the earth with liquid (possibly water), washing all the dirty laundry piled up in His clothes basket. Evil angel has to go tell his son, a 50-foot giant that looks like a WWE™ wrestler, that sorry, he has to die. But hey, not to worry, as the evil angel has powers that will bring him back to life in the future (today, possibly tomorrow).

The Fallen Ones

To prep the howling metalheaded giant, they wrap him in sheets and feed a bunch of slaves to him so he has a full tummy for the journey. Now would be the time to go to the bathroom as this is a non-stop trip.

The Fallen Ones

The movie boasts some of the cheapest special effects money won’t buy. The ONLY good part: the near-topless Sumarian slave girls dressing the digitally-enlarged giant for his Big Sleep. I don’t care if they don’t know what Massingil™ is, I want one of those wrap stars.

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