Archive for July, 2014

Death Hugs

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Children

All it took was driving a bus school with five kids in it through a toxic chemical plant steam cloud to turn them into adorable death zombies. Where you’d think blue or possible purple smoke would get better results, not so in this case. (Note: the danger smog only works on kids.)

The Children

The sheriff and the soon-to-be-roasted townsfolk find out the kids – who look like they used to but with black fingernails – inflict fatal microwave burns on anyone they hug, resulting in yellow smoke shooting out of the victims as well.

The Children

For the next 73 minutes it’s evenly-staged death hugs and Sheriff Billy running all over the place in search of the children who have taken up smoking. Point blank rifle blasts only knock the brats down as they get right back up and are ready for a big ’ol hug.

The Children

Tedious, even by 1980s’ standard, is the first thing that comes to mind while watching The Children (1980) a sorta lurid and slow-paced cheapo, though it’s rare to see kids taking a direct shotgun blast to the chest. Oddly, I found that to be quite entertaining.

 

The Horror of Being Rich

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Curse of the Living Corpse

The Curse of the Living Corpse is social commentary horror movie made in 1964 about spoiled aristocrats in 1893. Spoiled aristocrats is an oxymoron.

The Curse of the Living Corpse

After their disgustingly rich father dies, the surviving family members go after the inheritance like me at an all-you-can drink buffet. The millionaires’ sons and daughters are the ultimate Republicans: snobbish, greedy, manipulating and scheming.

The Curse of the Living Corpse

But even though he’s dead, dad has the last word. Each relative must perform a task lasting one year, after which they get their money. These tasks are simple and designed as safety measures in case dad needs to come back. (Being buried alive was his greatest fear.) Failing to do the tasks results in each of the ding-dongs being done in by their own worst fears: burning, drowning, having their aristocratic face scarred and disfigured, made to eat Hamburger Helper™…

The Curse of the Living Corpse

The playboy, needing cash to pay off his gambling debts, looks like Clark Gable, but not quite as handsome. Kinda like a used car salesman version of Clark Gable. He makes out with the hottie servant (“You would carelessly deny rank its privilege?”) and schemes to speed up the inheritance process. This results in the servant’s head being cut off and served on a dinner platter. Eeww!

Roy Scheider

Roy Scheider is a full-blown alcoholic playboy and taunts the family members with alcohol-fueled taunts. Soon, each starts dying in the fashion they fear most. (For me it’s being forced to drink Zima™.) The caped figure roaming the mansion and estate grounds suggests dad has come back from the grave and is supremely p*ssed. After 30 minutes you should be able to figure out who’s doing all the burning, cutting, drowning, stabbing. The trick is doing it without falling asleep (guilty as charged).

Candace Hilligoss

This was Roy’s first movie. He did others, but the only one that matters is Jaws (no, not Jaws II/1978 because that one sucked hard). Candace Hilligoss plays a terrified crying wallflower. You may remember her from the 1962 horror creeper, Carnival of Souls. You don’t? Then I just now lost all respect for you.

Looking Dead Ahead

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dead Zone

After coming out of a five-year coma induced by a car wreck, school teacher Johnny Smith (great name – he’ll fit right in) wakes to find his fiancee has moved on and married and plopped out a kid. He also discovers he has post and pre-cognition, meaning when he makes touchy with you, he knows all about your past, present and future. It wouldn’t be good for either of us if Johnny touched me.

The Dead Zone

Sure, he helps people with his gift (people rescued from a burning house, kid saved from drowning, helping cops solve a grisly murder mystery), but he’s shunned as though he were a modern day witch. He kinda is.

The Dead Zone

A chance handshake with a visiting politician reveals the Republican goes on to be elected President of the United States (a fun and relaxing job), and sees him launching a nuclear strike against Russia, thereby bringing on a holocaust of biblically foretold proportions. Good – I don’t like Russia. They don’t know how to spell “soup.” Johnny’s plan is to assassinate the front-runner and stop the future from happening.

The Dead Zone

The Dead Zone (1983) is one of the better Stephen King adaptations, loaded with face-pinching tenseness and flavorful impending doom. Could Johnny (played by the insanely cool Christopher Walken) tell if a Lottery ticket was a winner by touching it? Man, that’d be seriously way cool. Moreso if he taught me how to do it. That would rock.

Ghost Car Wash

Posted in Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , on July 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fingerprints

Years ago, a school bus filled with whatever a school bus carries, is plowed into by a train. No one survived. Publicly-funded transportation SUCKS, by the way. But thankfully the train was undamaged.

Years later it is said that if your car is parked on the tracks, invisible grade-school sized hands gently push your car to safety. Gotta have it in neutral, though, otherwise the ghosts kids won’t be able to put their transparent shoulders to it.

Fingerprints

Most regard all of the above as local myth. However, for several including Melanie, a fresh out of rehab teenager, the ghost tow service is real. For some reason, though, a ghost named Julie is attempting to communicate with Melanie. Pick up, b*tch.

Fingerprints

Everybody thinks Melanie’s “relapsing” is because of the whole drug thing that left her crack-smoking boyfriend dead and her brought to the brink of joining him. (What an emo douche.) But someone else is sending a signal, too – the mutilated bodies of Melanie’s classmates. How icky is that?

Fingerprints

In all fairness, the signs of wrongness do point directly to Melanie. But she still looks too squeaky clean and too wholesome to commit any crime other than having split ends and poor boyfriend choices.

Fingerprints (2006) embodies a few scares (sort of but not really), very little gore, a little boobie showing, and, like the Taco Bell™ El Grande I had for breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner/snack, a predictable outcome.

Standard choo choo doo doo. The ghost kids? Yep, real as you or I. But they keep leaving their grimy fingerprints all over freshly-washed cars. If that isn’t a crime, I don’t know what is.

 

This Shark Is The Bomb

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Atomic Shark

It used to be we were justifiably afraid of sharks, what with their emotionless biting off of limbs and/or employable extremities. Now that our ferocious friends of the foamy sea have been tornado’d, tomato’d, super-sized and mechanized, the continuously-mocked apex predator has been relegated to a one punch line cinematic joke. Shame on everyone except me.

And the knee-slapping continues with the impending Atomic Shark (coming 2014), wherein a terrorist and a biologist devise a device that makes great white sharks attack a variety of anything. As if sharks ever need an excuse to chew you out.

To add some padding to the plot, criminal humans attach bombs to the sharks, kinda like what the Navy’s been doing with delicious dolphins for decades now. The terrorist’s target? A nuclear sub that, once bitten by a shark that thinks it’s a heavy metal hot dog, would explode and smear everyone except me in a cloud of radioactive hair product.

I’ll say this about Atomic Shark, though – at least they didn’t turn the hapless eating machine into a comedy act hybrid, ala Sand Sharks, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, Snow Shark, Psycho Shark, Avalanche Sharks, etc., etc., etc. Why can’t we pick on oysters for a change?

The Atomic Sharks

P.S. Do not confuse this movie with The Atomic Sharks, the educational kid’s music  ukulele duo comprised of Kris Hensler and Kenny Taylor, both of whom still have employable extremities.

Extraterrestrials vs. Over-Priced Psychiatry

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fourth Kind

If you live in Nome, Alaska and turn up missing, chances are you got drunk and lost in the woods and eaten by a bear. Or you were abducted by extraterrestrials. I’m split down the middle on this one, mostly due to the alleged true events The Fourth Kind (2009) proposes.

The Fourth Kind

Reportedly using actual archival video interview footage of psychologist Dr. Abigail Tyler, whose distraught patients are being visited nightly by an owl (not a real one, but probably evil all the same), we’re led to conclude aliens are probing for something more than oil deep within their personal tundra.

The Fourth Kind

And the recollection of which is so horrifying, they suppress it, thereby causing paranoid schizophrenia. This results in messed up sheets, vomiting towards the floor, and levitating from one’s bed. Might as well throw suicide into the mix as well.

The Fourth Kind

Dr. Tyler has a bunch of patients experiencing the same nightmare. The local sheriff wants Tyler to stop stirring up the bees in people’s heads, as it’s making them freak out even more. But Tyler has her own bees to deal with – a short while back her husband was murdered in the bed next to her, the trauma of which left her young daughter blind and her son full of rage unexpressed rage. (He’ll be OK once someone buys him a toy, something in the $30 price range.)

The Fourth Kind

A clue as to WTF in the form of a tape played back after she fell asleep reveals that while she was screaming her freakin’ head off, another voice – using ancient Sumarian – spoke and did “things” to her body. I’m overflowing with theories.

The Fourth Kind

Up front they tell you they’re portraying a reenactment, mixing footage together split-screen style (pioneered by the 1973 sorta horror movie, Wicked, Wicked.)This is kind of cool and gives the movie a nice creepy “real” feel, but the story unravels to the point where you’re not sure if it really was aliens doing the dirty work, or just a smokescreen for bigger issues, like bears eating drunks lost in the woods. Like I said, split down the middle.

 

Extreme Wizardry

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Boxer's Omen

A mysterious ghost monk needs a revenge-seeking gangsta’s help, and leads him to a temple where the criminal finds out he’s the ancestral twin of the monk who was murdered by a bad wizard and can’t achieve immortality until the curse is lifted.

The Boxer's Omen

Here’s the b*tch of it all – he’s due to die in two weeks. So he trains to be a Buddhist monk, shaves his head, swears off pre-marital sex, booze, drugs and all the good-for-you things in life. If I had two weeks to live, I’d do the EXACT OPPOSITE of that last sentence.

The Boxer's Omen

The impending black magic battle is where this sucker gets disgustingly surreal: a chicken is cut open, its guts eaten raw and regurgitated and to create spells. Spiders with poisonous needles attack; The wizard pulls his own head off and uses the dangling veins and muscle tissue to tie up the new monk.

The Boxer's Omen

A freakin’ huge alligator is later cut open and its guts eaten. A maggot-covered mummy is stuffed in the belly of the unfortunate reptile, additional regurgitation, a few spells, lovely scented candles and a naked evil priestess is reborn out of the gator to battle the new monk. All of the above: ick.

The Boxer's Omen

But thinking he had previously bested the bad wizard, the gangsta lied to Buddha and goes back to his pre-marital sex ways. So the curse is reinstated unless he can find the deceased monk’s Golden Ashes from another temple way the fart far away and do battle with the priestess and bad wizard one more freakin’ time. The animal gut eating is real, as are the maggots. I’m not sure if the bad wizard really pulled his own head off, but it sure looked authentic to me.

The Boxer's Omen

Boobies, blood, body goosh, alligator gut feasts, maggots… You can look but you aren’t likely to find a horror movie as surreal and messed up as The Boxer’s Omen (1983). And I try ALL the time. P.S. If I screwed up describing the plot, it’s because the movie is in Japanese and I don’t know what that is.