Satan’s Serpent vs. Rap


All it took to summon a snake creature from the butthole of Hell was the Kulev Stick and some incredibly dense teens.


The I.D.Ts driving around in a monster truck plow over some guy’s wife. Insta-widow guy uses the Kulev Stick (a No. 2 lead pencil with mystical properties) to bring forth a bus-long half/snake, half alligator. This “snalligator” is called Vengeance, and puts the squeeze on whoever’s likeness is drawn on special toilet paper.


Taking the framework from Pumpkinhead (1988), LockJaw (aka Carnivorous, Carnivorous DMX and Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent/2008) changes the landscape only slightly by adding a rap guy (DMX) with thug tattoos and a bazooka (!) to do battle with the snalligator.


The only sex scene has the blonde supermodel going to Boner City while wearing her under garments, the movie’s best special effect. The wiggly beast doesn’t have any lines, but manages to kill/eat several people. The bazooka, it should be noted, takes second place to a homemade weapon one of the teens (“with an engineering degree”) builds: a table lamp with kitchenware taped to it.


While it never actually gets used, I bet that thing would’ve caused some serious damage. The only other impairment occurs from watching this painfully bad movie.

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