Horror With A Mortgage

A new family (guy marries a chick with kids, like that’s a good idea) moves into the ferociously haunted Amityville horror house, where a mass murder went down a year ago. (Note to whomever: it wasn’t referred to that in the real estate brochures.)

Shortly thereafter, spook ass events happen at 3:15AM every flippin’ night: noises, thumpings, cross turnings… Sounds just like my neighbors. But all this paranormal stuff is making George Lutz, the newly married dad with a step family, seriously gooned out. Especially since he’s the only one who hears the demonic commotion.

Apparently, the house was built atop an ancient Native American burial ground. That’s like putting ketchup on an ice cream sundae. A discovered secret room in the basement reveals the source of all the evil angst and, along with the swarms of flies in the upstairs room, gives the Lutz’ good cause for abandonment.

Other paranormal fun time activities include a flying pig named Jodie (I would’ve named it Hover Pork), a chair that rocks by itself (I do the same thing) and hot and cold running demons. The Amityville Horror (1979) also comes complete with one of the more iconic horror movie soundtracks this side of The Exorcist (1973).

So if you’re gonna be forced from your house by evil spirits, you may as well have a little reconciliation music to go with your self-exploding furniture, basement oil pit and hover porkers.