Archive for June, 2014

Pull My Sixth Finger

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Six Fingers

Either Bigfoot has a cousin with only six fingers – a result of unchecked in-breeding – or there’s a new species of cryptid that makes boom boom in the woods.

The Legend of Six Fingers

Enter Six Fingers, a bipedal creature so named as it has three claws on each hand. And because such a monster screams to be the star of an indie horror movie and/or t-shirt, you’ll no doubt become pregnant with excitement for The Legend of Six Fingers, arriving June 24, 2014.

The Legend of Six Fingers

Here’s the facts as the internet knows ’em: “Two filmmakers, Neil and Andrew, set out to make a documentary about a rash of domestic animal slaughters. After interviewing several local residents, the filmmakers learn about the Native American legend of Ya Yahk Osnuhsa (Six Fingers). Believing Six Fingers is responsible for the slayings, they embark on a terrifying journey to learn the truth.”

The Outer Limits: The Sixth Finger

Because I know these things, there was a multi-digit creature decades before Ya Yahk Osnuhsa. I’m referring, of course, to The Sixth Finger, an evolutionary accelerated man-creature in a 1963 episode of The Outer Limits. This guy was created in a Pine-Sol™ freshened lab. Six Fingers was born of the stink forest. Six guesses as to who makes boom boom in the woods.

Skin Solo

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunted Drum

Ping, a clothes-worthy young man in the jungles of Thailand, wishes to be a musician. In other words, he wants to be the drummer for Master Duang’s band. Duang owns a mysterious drum called the Peung Mang. (I would’ve called it “drum.”)

The Haunted Drum

The Peung Mang was reputed to have been made from the skin of a hot chick. If you play the drum right, it kicks out the jams. If you don’t, it melts your face off. Meanwhile, an opposing Master wants a battle of the bands to prove, once and for all, who jungle rocks harder.

The Haunted Drum

During the concert, the skin drum melts the face off its player. So much for his solo. The plan is for the other Master (I forget his name) to hire away all of Master Duang’s student musicians. This would result in shame like you haven’t seen since the original Foreigner broke up.

The Haunted Drum

Ping decides to work harder to become a better musician and save Duang’s band. He also falls in love with Tip, who’s…cold as ice. (Sorry.) Ping and Tip are pretty much the Ken and Barbie of Thailand. She teaches him how to properly play the Peung Mang without getting his face melted off. As well she should – the drum was made with her skin and her soul is trapped within the percussive instrument.

The Haunted Drum

When Muan (hey, I just remembered his name!) gets his group together and steals the coveted Peung Mang, you know some serious duang is about to hit the fan. Even so, The Haunted Drum (2007) is a tedious horror story, low scares, but surprisingly decent gore. But don’t get your hopes up, as this is merely a love story with melted faces.

Vampires and Heaving Bosoms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

The J.C. Penny™ catalog handsome Captain Kronos, former military man in 18th Century England and his hunchback assistant Professor Hieronymus Grost (only in England would they name somebody “Hieronymus”), hunt and kill vampires. Why? Because vampires suck. (Heh.) Actually, it’s because Kornos’ mom and sister were converted into the undead and he was forced to make them all the way dead. Thus seals his fate.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

K and H’s travels lead them to a small village plagued by a black-shrounded vampire that doesn’t suck blood, but rather the entire youth right out of young lasses with heaving bosoms. (Side note: the Professor explains that there are many species of vampires, each requiring a different methodology to kill them. Where a stake through the heart might stop one vamp, it’s merely a painful horsefly bite to another. Harshness abounds.)

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Along the way Capt. K frees a stunningly gorgeous peasant girl from the stockade. She rewards him by taking her clothes off and the such. Now the vampire hunting team has a new member. OK, that didn’t come out right.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Enter the vain and self-priveleged Durward family – deathbed mom, poofy son and narcissistic daughter – all of whom are the obvious suspects behind the sucking. Mom, whose face looks like wet plaster, lays in bed and just…won’t…die, while her kids spend all their time looking in mirrors. Their dad, a legendary undefeated swordsman, is buried nearby. Captain Kronos is an undefeated swordsman as well, though not as yet buried. Factor in vampire lore and can see where this ultimately ends up.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Several nice twists sets up the baring of fangs (in addition to boobies) and the clashing of sabers. Not terribly gory or even amped up with teeth-to-neck action, Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter (1974) nevertheless, has it’s charms, mostly due to the gorgeous peasant girl. Her scenes alone are worth some private time. Ahem. But you’ll get a right jolly chortle (British word for LOL) out of the tavern scene with a Kronos pitted against drunk bullies who tease the Professor’s condition. You don’t need to be a hunchback to know how it ends. Suffice to say, it was totally brill. (British word for LMAO. Or “awesome.” Works either way.)

Post-Apocalyptic Punks

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on June 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Caveman

The title Teenage Caveman (2002) gives you no indication of the rampant nudity, drug use, boozin’ and intestinal splattin’ inside. It’s a post-apocalyptic orgy with many boobs – naked ones, too.

Teenage Caveman

Thrown out of his cave condo for killing the tribal leader (his dad), a teenager and his posse head out into the war-destroyed world where they eventually come across Seattle and see the town in ruins. Note: This is too weird, but from their vantage point overlooking the city is exactly where I live. I would like to emphatically state that I do NOT want a caveman – or cave anthing – running around my back yard.

Teenage Caveman

That firmly declared, a nuclear-looking special effects storm cloud sweeps over the teens and they’re rescued by some future teens all hooped up on goofers. They take ’em back to their apartment and teach them how to drink, do drugs and experience sex for the first time. Problem is, once you do it with the future guy, your body goes into convulsions and you split open like a sun-ripened melon.

Teenage Caveman

The only time anyone goes caveman is when the drugs take hold and the face gets all distorted as if giving breach birth to an oversized stool. That doesn’t goon me out. Them running around my town in the future does. P.S. This movie should not be confused with the other Teenage Caveman movie, which came out in 1958. They didn’t show bare boobs in that one. Apparently, they hadn’t evolved far enough yet.

 

Getting Head From Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Monster of Piedras Blancha

There’s a prehistoric biped sea creature that’s terrorizing the “nothing ever happens here” Piedras Blanchas coastal town with not one Spanish person living there. The monster may look like a man in a rubber suit, but that’s probably because you take drugs.

The Monster of Piedras Blancha

Deducing the beast “came from the bottom of the ocean,” a handsome young educated dude, who’s been mackin’ on the hot young daughter of the grizzled lighthouse keeper whose been feeding the monster, is leading the charge to capture the anomaly for scientific and/or profit purposes.

When the free food stops, the monster has no choice but to venture further into town and decapitate whoever looks like food, which is EVERYONE.

The Monster of Piedras Blanchas

You never see the beheadings (heck, most the time the creature is just casting shadows and making hungry stomach noises). But the movie’s best – and most infamous – moment comes when the thing wanders through town holding a fresh, butcher cut noggin.

The Monster of Piedras Blanchas

The Monster of Piedras Blanchas (1959) has more talk than action, which is still more exciting than the showdown at the lighthouse. (Three enter, two leave – over the side.) Still, for your drug-induced entertainment, a man in a rubber suit!

Yet Another Gate To Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Gates of Hell, Pt. II: Dead Awakening

The Gates of Hell, Pt. II: Dead Awakening (1988). You mean to tell me there’s another Gate to Hell that isn’t the door to my apartment building?

An occultist group called the Darkness of Death (a lot of thought went into that one) resurrect a creature that’s been laying dormant for Centuries. (More like hiding out of sheer embarrassment.) They do this by opening the Gate to Hell, which looks more like the Screen Door to Hell.

The Gates of Hell, Pt. II: Dead Awakening

The cult members are guys you’d likely see emptying your garbage cans, but with sunglasses. When the demon finally shows up during the movie’s last two minutes, it looks like he put a plastic mixing bowl on his head and stood under a heat lamp. And his voice is so reverb-y it sounds like he’s talking into or out of an empty Del Monte Corn™ can.

This thing is so horrendous, it makes Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras (2003) look like The Da Vinci Code (2006).

Bacon That Eats YOU

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pig Hunt

Pig Hunt (2008) is 140 minutes long. The promised 3,000 lb. marauding boar with pink eye doesn’t make an appearance until the 131 minutes in. So what the heck happens for the first hour and a half? You’ll be sorry I asked.

Pig Hunt

Four military buddies and a hot Asian chick go pig hunting in a wooded area filled with inbred hicks with guns, a hippie cult full of stoned naked chicks, and high-grade marijuana (aka, “The Devil’s Cabbage.”). It all ties together, though the characters are so comical as to be made up on the spot. (Hippies? Gimme a break.)

Pig Hunt

The cavity-ridden hicks make the bad guys in Road Warrior (1981) look like school crossing guards, stunt moto-crossing and dune buggy racing through the trees like they knew someone was filming ’em.

Pig Hunt

As for Ripper, the adorable 3,000 pound hog with an eye infection, he eats people. He doesn’t floss afterward. Not cool. Since his screen time is limited (as was my patience), you can see he’s an impressive beast, with teeth and tusks that look like industrial-grade roto-tillers. But he just saunters in, roars a bit, makes fart faces and slobbers all over the place. Sounds like me around beer #4.

Lots of gore, bare boobies, and severely ignored dental hygiene. Sounds like my neighbors.

Vision Impaired Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts (2002) is an Asian comedy/horror flick that totally stole from Clive Barker’s Ghost Boy, whose dad is a ghost and his mom not a ghost, which gives Ghost Boy the ability to see the land of the living with one eye and the land of the dead with the other. I’m guessing they don’t make contacts for people with this kind of vision impairment.

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

Regardless, Sammi is a gold-digging widower who discovers she has the same ability. (She married into money and her surviving in-laws want her gone, but now she’s gotten used to luxuries like butlers and control top panty-hose.)

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

Before she can fill her pool with Budweiser™ (that’s the first thing I’d do if I married into money), the dead need her to function as a spiritual conduit to funnel their one remaining wish in the land of those not yet deadened. Sammi doesn’t want to deal with any of this supernatural crap. She does, however, enlist the aid of a prank-pulling spirit to help her track down her husband’s soul.

My Left Eye Sees Ghosts

More comedy than horror, I thought the concept was unique enough to give it a spin. The result? I was wrong, which is odd as I’ve never been wrong about anything in my entire life. Sammi’s easy to look at, but the rest of the movie I could’ve watched with just my left eye.

Mutants – All In The Family

Posted in Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Dead

Inheriting a rural motel from a grandfather who they were told died when they were kids, three centerfold sisters and their aftershave model boyfriends pile in an RV to head up to The Lake Motel to check things out and to see if they can sell it and go shopping.

Lake Dead

Two mutant axe swingers – into hanging, axe to the face-ing, corpse romancing – keep things lively for the out-of-towners until the law shows up. A sheriff comes by and, as it conveniently turns out, is part of a much more grim scenario. Seems the Lake Family are all inbreds. An ick factor of 50. And if you didn’t see it coming, the sisters happen to be related to the mattress mongoloids, all part of grandma’s grand plan to have one heckuva family reunion.

Lake Dead

Everybody related runs around trying to swap DNA with the girls, like they did with mom back in the good ’ol days. An ick factor of 100. Things get a bit intense as the boyfriend has to find his girlfriend before the uncle knocks her up in the barn. I know what you’re thinking – why not in slightly cleaner motel, since there’s one RIGHT THERE?

Lake Dead

Clearly there’s too many broken branches on Lake Dead’s (2007) family tree, one of which is mom, that “Sixty ’n Sexy” love machine who wraps her mouth around the end of a rifle like it was a Blue Ribbon hot dog at the mutant county fair. Let’s just say she’s really good at that sort of thing as she’s had lots of practice with her boys. (The ick factor meter doesn’t go high enough for this one.)

Don’t you dare look at me like that, I di’int make this movie. If I did, I would’ve had way more hot dog rifles.

Lake Dead

Non-Leak Demon

Posted in Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lost Souls

When she was a punk rock teen, a bunch of priests exorcised a devil thingamajig out of Maya (Winona Ryder), and made her wash her face. The experience left her with sensitivity to demons (and soap), so the Holy Men hire her to help squeeze the evil out of other unlucky hosts.

Lost Souls

One such guy is a serial killer who just happens to know the name of that who will very soon become Satan himself. Winona/Maya does her homework, finds the Chosen One – and he lives just a few blocks away! How’s that for convenience?

Lost Souls

She slowly convinces the for now non-evil dude that he’s about to become evil, and clues – like pentagrams and “visions” – help persuade the guy to kill himself before the stroke of the demonic hour of 4PM.

Lost Souls

Lost Souls (2000) crawls like a slug, the hallucinations Winona “sees” are cut-rate computer graphics, and there is an irritating lack of skin the way the Lord intended. The ending is a big bummer as well; we don’t get to see the guy transform into something that leaks pus and shoots flames. Is it asking too much of movie directors to show a little leaking pus and shooting flames? Geez.