Wed, Dead, Shot In The Head

The Blood Spattered Bride

The Blood Spattered Bride (1972), with its multiple stab wounds, vampire neck biting, and noisy shotgun blasts to the head and coffin, certainly lives up to its descriptive title. Only thing it doesn’t tell you is that the story, while provocative for its time, is like waiting for multiple stab wounds to heal.

The Blood Spattered Bride

It all starts with Susan, a very gorgeous and very young newlywed, who keeps having violent sex visions and a wispy lady in a white gown who always seems to be just out of visual reach. Susan’s older and sexually predatory husband (referred to as “husband”, which is like calling your pet dog, “dog”) spirits Susan off to his big ‘ol country mansion and forcibly proceeds to get busy with her, over and over and over. Geez, hub – save some for tomorrow.

The Blood Spattered Bride

And still the lady in white looms. Turns out she’s the husband’s ancestor, Mircalla Karnstein, a vampire with no bra to speak of. She and Susan have a lot in common, what with Mircalla being sexually violated in a manner of ways on her honeymoon all those ancient years ago. This carried a severe penalty – the newly dubbed Mrs. Karnstein stabbed her newly dead husband one billion times and cut off his hangy doo. I don’t know which is worse.

The Blood Spattered Bride

Mircalla finally makes herself known (now going as Carmilla) and is found by husband buried in seashore sand, wearing nothing but a scuba mask and snorkel (!). Seems husband was out digging for clams and, well, found a keeper!

The Blood Spattered Bride

Bringing Sand-ra (heh) back to the house, it doesn’t take long for Susan and Carmilla to develop a special, um, bond, swapping spit and comparing husband infractions. It’s settled then – Susan will need to kill horny husband and cut off his hangy doo. But husband, whose hangy doo almost became a hangy don’t earlier, discovers the two slumbering vamps in a coffin in the basement, wearing nothing but invisible nightgowns.

The Blood Spattered Bride

Husband goes all proactive on ‘em and unloads 40 rounds into the lunch box with a rifle that never seems to run out of ammo. After shooting his servant’s 12 year-old daughter in the head as well (she revealed she’s now a vampire, too), husband opens the coffin and, with a knife worthy of carving a fresh roast holiday Turkey, starts hacking away at…

Guess.

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