Red Riding in Da Hood

Red Riding Hood

Her name isn’t Red Riding Hood, it’s Valerie. I like her gangsta name better. The dreamy guy she longs to ride is named Peter. (Gimme a break.) Both live in the stink Medieval village of Daggerhorn, with chickens running around like they owned the place, heavy metal blacksmiths, religious fanaticism and a werewolf.

Red Riding Hood

Seems there was an agreement – the villagers would put up their finest livestock for sacrifice every full moon and the werewolf wouldn’t eat them. Fair trade. Until the werewolf, after 20 years, takes out Valerie Hood’s older sister.

Red Riding Hood

An angry mob attack on the werewolf’s cave yielded a stunt double’s head on a stick. But the monster, who looks like a computer-generated version of my neighbor’s rabies-infected dog, has ’em all fooled and has come to take Valerie with him into the woods for whatever perverted reasons.

Red Riding Hood

Getting in the way of all this is dumbass teen drama surrounding two guys wanting to get under Red’s hood and a hammy religious freak who shows up with bodyguards to exterminate the werewolf whom he believes is living right in their midst.

Red Riding Hood

Val-Red can mind-meld with the werewolf, which has her branded a witch and condemned to become bait. False swerves swerve all over the place, from every horny guy in the village and even Red’s grandma being suspected of werewolvery. Cute.

Red Riding Hood

Barely any blood/gore/face-eating worth mentioning, only half a naked boob shot from Valerie who finally hooks up with one of the horny guys in the snow (!), and a very unconvincing werewolf. You already know Red Riding Hood’s (2011) twist ending. Here’s a better one: the OFF button.

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