Vampires and Heaving Bosoms

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

The J.C. Penny™ catalog handsome Captain Kronos, former military man in 18th Century England and his hunchback assistant Professor Hieronymus Grost (only in England would they name somebody “Hieronymus”), hunt and kill vampires. Why? Because vampires suck. (Heh.) Actually, it’s because Kornos’ mom and sister were converted into the undead and he was forced to make them all the way dead. Thus seals his fate.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

K and H’s travels lead them to a small village plagued by a black-shrounded vampire that doesn’t suck blood, but rather the entire youth right out of young lasses with heaving bosoms. (Side note: the Professor explains that there are many species of vampires, each requiring a different methodology to kill them. Where a stake through the heart might stop one vamp, it’s merely a painful horsefly bite to another. Harshness abounds.)

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Along the way Capt. K frees a stunningly gorgeous peasant girl from the stockade. She rewards him by taking her clothes off and the such. Now the vampire hunting team has a new member. OK, that didn’t come out right.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Enter the vain and self-priveleged Durward family – deathbed mom, poofy son and narcissistic daughter – all of whom are the obvious suspects behind the sucking. Mom, whose face looks like wet plaster, lays in bed and just…won’t…die, while her kids spend all their time looking in mirrors. Their dad, a legendary undefeated swordsman, is buried nearby. Captain Kronos is an undefeated swordsman as well, though not as yet buried. Factor in vampire lore and can see where this ultimately ends up.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Several nice twists sets up the baring of fangs (in addition to boobies) and the clashing of sabers. Not terribly gory or even amped up with teeth-to-neck action, Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter (1974) nevertheless, has it’s charms, mostly due to the gorgeous peasant girl. Her scenes alone are worth some private time. Ahem. But you’ll get a right jolly chortle (British word for LOL) out of the tavern scene with a Kronos pitted against drunk bullies who tease the Professor’s condition. You don’t need to be a hunchback to know how it ends. Suffice to say, it was totally brill. (British word for LMAO. Or “awesome.” Works either way.)

One Response to “Vampires and Heaving Bosoms”

  1. Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter was intended to be the first of a series.
    Unfortunately, despite the efforts of Caroline Munro’s enormous talents, it failed at the box office. And as a result, Hammer Films almost went out of business, which created an emergency-level shortage of drive-in quality lesbian vampire movies.

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