Catholic Vampires

 

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) reveals what I’ve suspected all along – organized religion is responsible for creating the blood-hungry undead. During a totally botched exorcism back in the day when such practices were considered standard, a master vampire was thus born.

Six hundred years later the Catholic church is still trying to clean up their mess without compromising the power of the collection plate. Enter James Woods as a modern bad ass day job slayer, a mercenary hired by the Vatican to end all the neck-biting wrongness.

He and his dead-hunting associates shoot vampires with crossbows, then drag them out into the sunlight where the turn into overcooked marshmallows (but not nearly as delicious, though).

Explosions of creative gore, gnarly decapitations and the resultant gushing of the good red stuff. Too bad the dialogue bites harder than the vampires. Woods is an emotional roller coaster as Jack Crow (he probably got lessons from a 12 year-old girl), but the action and splat and the ridding of vampires make this flick worth most of his PMS-ing.