Cutting Cookies With A Machete

Dark Ride

From the uninspired movie title, to the tired formula plot of a bunch of teens breaking into an amusement park fun house where gruesome murders were committed years ago, to the painful dialogue and escaped-lunatic-from-a-mental-institution killer, Dark Ride (2006) is as entry-level/paint by numbers horror as it gets.

Dark Ride

All they did was change the location and give the killer a new mask. Hell, they were so lazy, they didn’t even give him a different killing implement. Another mask-wearing killer with a machete? Really?

Dark Ride

A bunch of stereotype teens on their way to Spring Break bust in after hours for kicks. That’s when Jonah gets busy. (Couldn’t they have come up with a name that doesn’t smack of outright intellectual property infringement on 1980’s Friday the 13th’s Jason, whom Jonah is so redundantly modeled?)

Dark Ride

The only good part is when one of the chicks is giving one of the guys an oral lesson and Jonah cuts off her head right as the guy is completing his, um, homework. The look on his freshly dead face could be best described as horrified, but with an undercoat of contentment.

I never thought I’d say it, but watching teens get slaughtered is boring. Times they are a’changin’.

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