Spring Break Shark Attack: Where’s The Reef?

Spring Break Shark Attack’s (2005) title outlines the entire “plot.” Teens. Spring Break. Sharks. Attacking. Yep, that about sums it up.

Rubber sharks swarm to a popular Florida spring break beach, attracted by methodic chumming of the area by a rival club owner two miles up the beach. His club used to be THE place to go to do Jell-O™ shots, partake in wet T-shirt contests and dance poorly to mindless hip-hop music. But every since an artificial reef was constructed to attract scuba divers willing to shell out a lotta clams (sorry) to dive there, the club owner faces bankruptcy.

Where there’s a beach, there’s drunk college douche bags ready to throw up on it. The sharks swarm in by the dozens and casually pick at their food, a sinking party raft loaded with 40 or so snacks. Yes, there’s a mindless sub-plot involving boy-girl drama, but all that does is fill up time between mouthfuls.

My only complaint besides EVERYTHING is that when the sharks do their whole feeding frenzy bit, they almost act bored. The teens scream like something was biting them, but the sharks just float there, barely phoning it in. (One even looked asleep.)

Someone better get sharks that are motivated to make with the chew chew if they expect me to sit through the sequel.