Archive for April, 2014

Star Wars For 25 Cents

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Satrfighter

Alex Rogan, a teenager with big dreams, lives in a trailer in a trailer court. That’s where I’d put a trailer. He plays The Last Starfighter arcade game there, not realizing it was a recruitment device sent to find guys who could handle their own in an interstellar space war between Ko-Dan Armada and the Rylan Star League. (Sounds like an astronomy club bowling team.)

The Last Starfighter

His high score earns him a visit from Centauri, who looks like a 50-something human, but isn’t, and asks him to go for a ride. (Hold your jokes.) Alex is zoomed off into outer space where he is asked to help defend the Galaxy against Xur and his invading alien army.

The Last Satrfighter

So it comes down to this: stay in space, defend the Frontier and get to blast the enemy with lasers shot from his own spaceship called the Gunstar (way cool name – I’m gonna call my car that), or go back to the trailer park and dream of everything except going into outer space to kill stuff. Thankfully, Alex comes to his senses and releases his inner Gunstar.

The Last Satrfighter

The Last Starfighter (1984), a Star Wars (1977) knock-off, is mostly kid sci-fi, but entertaining the way playing a video game is without needing to bum quarters.

Mutant Snow

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier. Sounds like a medical condition.

Doctor “Big Finger” Lindermund: “Mr. Gilbert, your lab results are in and they came back positive – you have…Blood Glacier.”

Me: “No big – a chili cheese grande burrito will melt that sucker out.”

Rite-Aid™ and Taco Bell™ – they have all my bases covered.

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier (The Station), a chilling (because it’s in the Alps) horror sci-fi thriller diller, arrives in the States on May 2, 2014. Apparently, the movie’s been bumming around Europe for a while now. Like I care about anything outside my zip code. But hey, I’ll give it a spin, mostly because the plot borrows heavily from a half-dozen other horror movies. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Here’s the overly familiar scenario…

Blood Glacier (The Station)

“At a climate research station in the Alps, scientists are stunned as the nearby melting glacier is leaking a red liquid. It quickly turns to be very special juice – with unexpected genetic effects on the local wildlife.”

Sounds like they opened A Taco Bell™ in Switzerland.

Ghosts On A Deadline

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , on April 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deadline

A gorgeous, but mentally fractured chick writer moves into a remote big house to get some uninterrupted typing done. The place has everything: nicely appointed furnishings, hot and cold running water, a ghost

She hears female whimpering/crying and mysterious bumps in the day AND night. This kinda freaks her out – but not enough to require extra bleach in the laundry, if you get my drift.

Deadline

Following a pair of wet footprints into an upstairs room, she discovers a box full of video tapes. The videos are labeled: “Lucy Cooking,” “Lucy Putting On Makeup,” “Lucy Eating Brains.” OK, not that last one. But it is a telling tale of the young married couple who lived in the house several years ago…

Deadline

The husband videotapes everything to one day show their kid – whose only half incubated – how their parents were. (Boring people, from my side of the lens.) The man is clearly the needy and paranoid type and believes his wife has been having an affair. Fuel for the fire. What a stinking coincidence, because that’s exactly what happened to the writer, except she’s been seeing a she on the side.

Deadline

As the writer chick watches the tapes, she sees the husband force a confession out of his wife, then drag her into the bathroom and drown her in the tub. What are the stinking odds that the exact thing happened to both ladies in the exact same house?

If tepid ghost stories with tepid titles (Deadline/2009) and romance-gone-wrong sub-plots are your bag, I’ll leave it up to you to figure out the ending. Seemed watered down to me.

Talk To The Croc

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , on April 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Croc

A yacht-sized saltwater crocodile is eating people who work, live and marinate in the filthy Thailand waterways. That is a complete sentence.

Everybody blames an escapee from Jack McQuade’s Super Fun Crocodile Farm. But the clues – half-eaten human pot pies – are so obvious as to be embarrassing: giant carnivorous turtles! (It’s a theory I’ve been working on since the opening credits.)

Croc

Joining the hunt for the people-eater is Hawkins, a grizzled big game hunter, who wants nothing more than a fresh pair of alligator boots. Hard to find the monster, though, as it ends up in back yard swimming pools (don’t dive head first, try cannonballing) and under stylish shacks built out over the river (makes mopping way easier).

Croc

The trail of happiness leads to the croc’s cave-y lair, where it has stashed a hot chick everybody’s been looking for. That’s prudent planning – store food instead of eating it all at once. I’ll have to remember that.

Croc

The final scene finds Jack with his leg stuck in the crocodile’s mouth. He could get free if only the monster would just chomp a little harder. But there’s a really funny reason it didn’t. And it had nothing to do with the crocodile being made out of rubber and plastic, though that would explain a lot.

Croc (2007) is mildly amusing. Some real blood, some fake blood, some bloody stump sandwiches. Why do movies like this always make me hungry?

Vampire Vs. The Valley Girl

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

A teen California Valley Girl discovers she’s a descendant of a long line of vampire killers. While she’d rather go shopping than chopping, an old man/mentor arrives to coach her in the ways of being a Slayer. (Someone who kills the creatures of the night, not a band member of a popular thrash metal group by the same name.)

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Just in time – Lothos, the head vampire king with the worst vampire name of all time, just crawled out of the ground and is looking to kill something. And that’s pretty much the entire plot of the comedy horror lite (albeit kinda funny) Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992).

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

The showdown at the high school prom is quite the knee-slapper, with Buffy using, um, more modern weapons to defeat (face stab) Lothos. (Note to the makers of fine tampons: you need a version that can be easily converted into a cross. You know, for those not-so-fresh vampire killing days.)

Pee Wee Herman

Pee Wee Herman himself shows up as a vampire. He’s funnier than all of ’em combined. But you already knew that.

Wisecracking Werewolf

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Big Bad Wolf

If you’re gonna drive five hours to find a cabin deep in the woods to drink alcohol and have unsafe sex, you should probably check Mapquest™ to see if there are any werewolves in that area. Six college kids get a party started at said cabin owned by a student’s mean step-dad, who just happens to be that werewolf. And it just happens to be a full moon.

Big Bad Wolf

It’s not a horror movie coincidence that the ones having sex are the first slaughtered. But in a kinky twist, the werewolf actually talks and cracks bad one-liners (invoking the “Three Little Pigs” jingle, but substituting new easily-rhyming words like “die,” “kill,” and “bleed”). The attacks are extreme/rad/vicious, with legs being torn off, necks being opened up to see the juicy goodness inside. Oh, and there’s wrong-side-’o-the-zipper castration.

Big Bad Wolf

The werewolf even gets himself a little booty by doing it doggy style with one of the girls. “She was a virgin!” screams her boyfriend. “Not anymore!” cracks the werewolf. Touché. In a last minute move to wedgy in a sequel, the werewolf bites the son on the arm area (close to but not including the elbow), passing along his bitey heritage.

Big Bad Wolf

Big Bad Wolf (2006) features yummy gore and occasionally sharp dialogue that ranks up there with Ginger Snaps (2000), the superb chick werewolf movie. The wolf himself is pretty cool, but in the dark looks like a guy in a gorilla suit. Speaking of which, I need to go get fitted for one in case of occasions that call for me to wear nicer clothes.

Giant Tropical Spiders

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Arachnid

In Arachnid’s (2001) believability-testing opening sequence, a stealth fighter pilot encounters a water spout in the middle of one of the oceans and flies in for a closer look. And by look, I mean to shoot it. This results in Nature winning the skirmish and pilot blows up his very expensive aircraft and parachuting to safety on a small island where he is eaten by a giant something-or-rather.

Arachnid

A chartered aeroplane filled with scientists, island natives, foreign-talking people and the acceptably attractive sister of the eaten pilot also crash land their malfunctioning flying machine on the very same island. It doesn’t take long for Smart Car™ sized insects to turn up and start munching on human flesh.

Arachnid

One guy gets caught up in its web and is injected with some sort of paralysis cream. When the others find him, he’s covered up to the neck in a vaguely familiar white sticky substance. (Could this be one of those porn spiders I keep hearing about on the news?) The spider looks authentic enough, but nothing to write to Spider-Man™ about.

Arachnid

For an alien spider movie, though, Arachnid was quite the yawner. Make movie about a giant demon grasshopper and you’ve got my attention.