Archive for April, 2014

Future People Suck

Posted in Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on April 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flight That Disappeared

The L.A. to Washington D.C. passenger flight  didn’t really disappear – it was just stuck in the clouds while future people de-planed a nuclear physicist, a supermodel math expert and a rocket know-it-all, and put them on trial for crimes they were going to commit. (I.e., build an atomic bomb that will eventually wipe everyone off the face of this toilet Earth, thereby denying the distant dudes the right to be born at some point in time.) Man, future people can be so pissy.

The Flight That Disappeared

The plane, malfunctioning during a storm, climbs so high, lack of oxygen knocks everyone out and makes the engines stall. The three bomb-makers come to and try and argue their way out of being doomed to all eternity in the clouds.

The Flight That Disappeared

No one wants to live in clouds, so they bolt back to the plane, where it somehow resumes its flight, with no one the wiser (except those three soon-to-be-troublemakers).

The Flight That Disappeared

The Flight That Disappeared (1961) is a Twilight Zone knock-off, but it does have some good moments, including a TZ twist-o ending. But where future people – who don’t exist yet – buy their pants and shirts, leaves one to ponder.

Undead Conjugal Visits

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Men Walking

It begins with a guy with a shotgun turning zombie heads into salsa. Of course, the cops think he’s a serial murderer and arrest him before he can shoot himself, because seconds before the cops bust in, some zombie goo backwash splattered in the guy’s mouth. Those of us who have seen zombies in action know it’s game over, man.

Dead Men Walking

They haul the guy away to the Harwood Maximum Security Prison (conveniently located on a main downtown street) and take him to the prison doctor because he’s coughing, drooling and throwing up all over those spotless prison floors. He sneezes on the docs face and spits up black blood on other prisoners. That is so unsociable as to be downright rude.

Dead Men Walking

Like dominos, those now infected with the biotoxin virus are converting to a new religion: the incarcerated dead. From here on out it’s tired zombie meat ’n eats, although the gore is plentiful and looks a lot like the gravy surprise they serve at the prison every Friday.

Dead Men Walking

FEMA calls and puts the prison under quarantine. A CDC representative (i.e., chick with matching blouse and skirt) is stuck inside, along with the warden’s plump ’n juicy son, who looks like a menu item at the next zombie prison picnic. Guts are liberated from torsos; blood vomit decorates the walls like an abstract painting (possible Dali); prison guards are being eaten and turning into prisoners of their own skin gobbling hunger.

Dead Men Walking

As true with all zombie flicks, everyone dies. As will a part of you if you forfeit above ground time watching the paint-by-numbers Dead Men Walking (2005).

Haunted House Janitorial Service

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burnt Offerings

Here’s an idea – take a vacation and stay in a haunted house. Rent is only $900 for two months with fridge privileges, but you have to clean up the place and feed the old lady in the attic once a day. Oh yeah, you can’t talk to her or even look at her withered old face, either. Just leave the food outside the door and get your fat sack out.

Burnt Offerings

So the Rolf family moves into the spooky 37 room/50 acre Victorian mansion on the agreement they’ll take care of Aunt Bat and mop the floors, mow the lawn, clean the turds out of the pool, etc. Yep, sounds a like a real relaxing vacation.

Burnt Offerings

So mom, dad, the kid and their aunt Elizabeth (played by the iconic shriveled raisin Bette Davis) move in and slowly things start going tilt-a-whirl, like dad suddenly going mental and trying to drown his son Davey in the just-cleaned pool. Then there are the photos throughout the house depicting unrelated people, none of whom are smiling. Would you smile if there were turds in your swimming pool? Sure as heck not me.

Burnt Offerings

You’d think the Rolfs would get the hell outta there, but man, that was such a sweet deal on the rent, hard to throw it down the drain just because of violent, unexplained mood swings and dead relatives. As everyone finds out TOO FREAKIN’ LATE the house is alive – and it doesn’t want alive people in it.

Burnt Offerings

If I were to tell you the secret of Burnt Offering’s (1976) old woman in the attic, you’d probably never send me $5.00 in the mail. Let’s just say it’s spookified. And those photos in the house? Take another look. And no, I’m not in any of ’em doing the two-fingered dealie behind someone’s head. I save that for wedding pictures.

The More The Carrier

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carriers

A virus – or “plague” – has swept the landscape. If you’re infected, you’re soon dead as there is no quick fix. If you’re not gooned out, you have to wipe everything down with bleach. (That stuff will burn your eyes if you use too much.) If someone looks OK, assume that they aren’t and kill them. Twice, if you have time.

Carriers

Brothers Danny and Brian, along with their girlfriends (OK, Danny isn’t really seeing the chick tagging along, but who else is left on Earth to date?), are as yet not externally bleeding. They’re heading to the ocean where it’s clean. Hopefully.

Carriers

Along the way, a tense encounter with a man and his sick two-year old daughter results in them all traveling together, the new passengers sealed off with plastic tarp and masking tape in the back of Sick Car, everyone else with dust masks in relative comfort up front. The plan is to head to a rumored town up ahead where there was a wonder vaccine that showed promise and a working bathroom. Outta luck and out of service.

Carriers

The kid coughs on Brian’s girlfriend. Too bad she didn’t tell Brian. Too bad Brian likes to make out with her. Too bad he has to break up with her (i.e., leaving her on the side of the road). Once contracted, the disease does a slow burn, rotisserie browning your face, leaving your eyeballs as red as the aftermath of a Jack Daniels™ Box Social.

Carriers

But like all heartwarming pandemic stories, Carriers (2009) comes to a predictable end that, while sufficiently enacted, leaves you wanting more virus rot. In other words, it should’ve made you sicker, but in a good way.

Star Wars For 25 Cents

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Satrfighter

Alex Rogan, a teenager with big dreams, lives in a trailer in a trailer court. That’s where I’d put a trailer. He plays The Last Starfighter arcade game there, not realizing it was a recruitment device sent to find guys who could handle their own in an interstellar space war between Ko-Dan Armada and the Rylan Star League. (Sounds like an astronomy club bowling team.)

The Last Starfighter

His high score earns him a visit from Centauri, who looks like a 50-something human, but isn’t, and asks him to go for a ride. (Hold your jokes.) Alex is zoomed off into outer space where he is asked to help defend the Galaxy against Xur and his invading alien army.

The Last Satrfighter

So it comes down to this: stay in space, defend the Frontier and get to blast the enemy with lasers shot from his own spaceship called the Gunstar (way cool name – I’m gonna call my car that), or go back to the trailer park and dream of everything except going into outer space to kill stuff. Thankfully, Alex comes to his senses and releases his inner Gunstar.

The Last Satrfighter

The Last Starfighter (1984), a Star Wars (1977) knock-off, is mostly kid sci-fi, but entertaining the way playing a video game is without needing to bum quarters.

Mutant Snow

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier. Sounds like a medical condition.

Doctor “Big Finger” Lindermund: “Mr. Gilbert, your lab results are in and they came back positive – you have…Blood Glacier.”

Me: “No big – a chili cheese grande burrito will melt that sucker out.”

Rite-Aid™ and Taco Bell™ – they have all my bases covered.

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier (The Station), a chilling (because it’s in the Alps) horror sci-fi thriller diller, arrives in the States on May 2, 2014. Apparently, the movie’s been bumming around Europe for a while now. Like I care about anything outside my zip code. But hey, I’ll give it a spin, mostly because the plot borrows heavily from a half-dozen other horror movies. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Here’s the overly familiar scenario…

Blood Glacier (The Station)

“At a climate research station in the Alps, scientists are stunned as the nearby melting glacier is leaking a red liquid. It quickly turns to be very special juice – with unexpected genetic effects on the local wildlife.”

Sounds like they opened A Taco Bell™ in Switzerland.

Ghosts On A Deadline

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , on April 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deadline

A gorgeous, but mentally fractured chick writer moves into a remote big house to get some uninterrupted typing done. The place has everything: nicely appointed furnishings, hot and cold running water, a ghost

She hears female whimpering/crying and mysterious bumps in the day AND night. This kinda freaks her out – but not enough to require extra bleach in the laundry, if you get my drift.

Deadline

Following a pair of wet footprints into an upstairs room, she discovers a box full of video tapes. The videos are labeled: “Lucy Cooking,” “Lucy Putting On Makeup,” “Lucy Eating Brains.” OK, not that last one. But it is a telling tale of the young married couple who lived in the house several years ago…

Deadline

The husband videotapes everything to one day show their kid – whose only half incubated – how their parents were. (Boring people, from my side of the lens.) The man is clearly the needy and paranoid type and believes his wife has been having an affair. Fuel for the fire. What a stinking coincidence, because that’s exactly what happened to the writer, except she’s been seeing a she on the side.

Deadline

As the writer chick watches the tapes, she sees the husband force a confession out of his wife, then drag her into the bathroom and drown her in the tub. What are the stinking odds that the exact thing happened to both ladies in the exact same house?

If tepid ghost stories with tepid titles (Deadline/2009) and romance-gone-wrong sub-plots are your bag, I’ll leave it up to you to figure out the ending. Seemed watered down to me.

Talk To The Croc

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , on April 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Croc

A yacht-sized saltwater crocodile is eating people who work, live and marinate in the filthy Thailand waterways. That is a complete sentence.

Everybody blames an escapee from Jack McQuade’s Super Fun Crocodile Farm. But the clues – half-eaten human pot pies – are so obvious as to be embarrassing: giant carnivorous turtles! (It’s a theory I’ve been working on since the opening credits.)

Croc

Joining the hunt for the people-eater is Hawkins, a grizzled big game hunter, who wants nothing more than a fresh pair of alligator boots. Hard to find the monster, though, as it ends up in back yard swimming pools (don’t dive head first, try cannonballing) and under stylish shacks built out over the river (makes mopping way easier).

Croc

The trail of happiness leads to the croc’s cave-y lair, where it has stashed a hot chick everybody’s been looking for. That’s prudent planning – store food instead of eating it all at once. I’ll have to remember that.

Croc

The final scene finds Jack with his leg stuck in the crocodile’s mouth. He could get free if only the monster would just chomp a little harder. But there’s a really funny reason it didn’t. And it had nothing to do with the crocodile being made out of rubber and plastic, though that would explain a lot.

Croc (2007) is mildly amusing. Some real blood, some fake blood, some bloody stump sandwiches. Why do movies like this always make me hungry?

Vampire Vs. The Valley Girl

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

A teen California Valley Girl discovers she’s a descendant of a long line of vampire killers. While she’d rather go shopping than chopping, an old man/mentor arrives to coach her in the ways of being a Slayer. (Someone who kills the creatures of the night, not a band member of a popular thrash metal group by the same name.)

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Just in time – Lothos, the head vampire king with the worst vampire name of all time, just crawled out of the ground and is looking to kill something. And that’s pretty much the entire plot of the comedy horror lite (albeit kinda funny) Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992).

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

The showdown at the high school prom is quite the knee-slapper, with Buffy using, um, more modern weapons to defeat (face stab) Lothos. (Note to the makers of fine tampons: you need a version that can be easily converted into a cross. You know, for those not-so-fresh vampire killing days.)

Pee Wee Herman

Pee Wee Herman himself shows up as a vampire. He’s funnier than all of ’em combined. But you already knew that.

Wisecracking Werewolf

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Big Bad Wolf

If you’re gonna drive five hours to find a cabin deep in the woods to drink alcohol and have unsafe sex, you should probably check Mapquest™ to see if there are any werewolves in that area. Six college kids get a party started at said cabin owned by a student’s mean step-dad, who just happens to be that werewolf. And it just happens to be a full moon.

Big Bad Wolf

It’s not a horror movie coincidence that the ones having sex are the first slaughtered. But in a kinky twist, the werewolf actually talks and cracks bad one-liners (invoking the “Three Little Pigs” jingle, but substituting new easily-rhyming words like “die,” “kill,” and “bleed”). The attacks are extreme/rad/vicious, with legs being torn off, necks being opened up to see the juicy goodness inside. Oh, and there’s wrong-side-’o-the-zipper castration.

Big Bad Wolf

The werewolf even gets himself a little booty by doing it doggy style with one of the girls. “She was a virgin!” screams her boyfriend. “Not anymore!” cracks the werewolf. Touché. In a last minute move to wedgy in a sequel, the werewolf bites the son on the arm area (close to but not including the elbow), passing along his bitey heritage.

Big Bad Wolf

Big Bad Wolf (2006) features yummy gore and occasionally sharp dialogue that ranks up there with Ginger Snaps (2000), the superb chick werewolf movie. The wolf himself is pretty cool, but in the dark looks like a guy in a gorilla suit. Speaking of which, I need to go get fitted for one in case of occasions that call for me to wear nicer clothes.