Talk To The Croc


A yacht-sized saltwater crocodile is eating people who work, live and marinate in the filthy Thailand waterways. That is a complete sentence.

Everybody blames an escapee from Jack McQuade’s Super Fun Crocodile Farm. But the clues – half-eaten human pot pies – are so obvious as to be embarrassing: giant carnivorous turtles! (It’s a theory I’ve been working on since the opening credits.)


Joining the hunt for the people-eater is Hawkins, a grizzled big game hunter, who wants nothing more than a fresh pair of alligator boots. Hard to find the monster, though, as it ends up in back yard swimming pools (don’t dive head first, try cannonballing) and under stylish shacks built out over the river (makes mopping way easier).


The trail of happiness leads to the croc’s cave-y lair, where it has stashed a hot chick everybody’s been looking for. That’s prudent planning – store food instead of eating it all at once. I’ll have to remember that.


The final scene finds Jack with his leg stuck in the crocodile’s mouth. He could get free if only the monster would just chomp a little harder. But there’s a really funny reason it didn’t. And it had nothing to do with the crocodile being made out of rubber and plastic, though that would explain a lot.

Croc (2007) is mildly amusing. Some real blood, some fake blood, some bloody stump sandwiches. Why do movies like this always make me hungry?

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