Archive for March, 2014

Swamp Things

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bog Creatures

A history professor  needs to verify his theories that a race of totally mean army guys called Berserkers (looking like they just stepped out of Supercuts™) existed to do nothing but chase shirtless chicks around and use their blood for some sort of ritual. So he sends five lippy college kids out into the swamp to dig up remains.

Bog Creatures

During the dig a frightened chick is discovered, her camp in disarray and her tight shirt barely clinging for life. The forest poop and rummage sale clothed Bog Creatures, unhappy that their rituals were interrupted for a few hundred years, begin again, rise and go berserk on the twerps.

Bog Creatures

In an “almost didn’t see it coming” twist (insert roll-y eyed sarcasm here), the frightened chick turns out to be a descendant of the priestess doing all the rituals back in the day, and is responsible for gassing up the Boggy Men. “Look at me—I raised the dead…and I didn’t even finish grad school!” she gleefully proclaims. Good for her.

Bog Creatures

Bog Creatures (2003) are as threatening as mud puddles and the students deserve a failing grade for thinking they could act their way out of the swamp.

Space Turtle vs. Space Squid

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Destroy All Planets

I’ve always wanted to destroy all planets. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine. Some aliens in ping-pong ball shaped spaceships painted to look like bumblebees taped together have the same idea. I had it first, though.

Gamera, being the giant space turtle an self-appointed Guardian of the Universe, intervenes and jams his head into the spaceship and makes it explode. Just before Gamera did that, though, the aliens got off a signal telling their home planet that Gamera is now their enemy. Well, duh.

Destroy All Planets

Back on Earth, two boy scout kids are visiting Marine Land (or whatever its called) and get aboard a mini-sub. That they’re able to fire it up and figure out the controls is a testimony to the Federation of Boy Scouts. Today’s scouts are tomorrow’s neckerchief-wearing sub commanders.

Destroy All Planets

While underwater, they see Gamera and race him. Gamera could totally win, but he LOVES horsing around with them, and at one point even looks like he’s smiling. But a second ping-pong ball spaceship arrives and snags the mini-sub in a “super catch ray.” Crap – it worked on Gamera, too!

Destroy All PlanetsThe boys are taken aboard the ship and Gamera’s brain waves are scanned for clues as to his weakness: children. Gamera loves kids so much, he won’t stomp on them or eat them raw.

Destroy All Planets

Eventually the super catch ray weakens and Gamera escapes. But the aliens threaten to kill the boys if Gamera does not allow them to attach a brain-controlling device on his big turtle-y head. This device makes Gamera do the Riverdance™ all over Tokyo, smecking (smashing and wrecking) plaster buildings, balsawood bridges and cardboard dams.

Destroy All Planets

Meanwhile, the boys are causing hell for the Virans aboard their own spacecraft. They find a squid monster and think it, like Gamera, was captured as well. The joke’s on them – it’s Viras, the mutli-tentacled leader of the Virans. Double crap! The resourceful scouts, though, manage to help free Gamera, who then proceeds to make destruction happen on the aliens.

Destroy All Planets

Viras kicks into high-gear and grows to the size of Gamera (approximately 2,160 inches) and the two knock boots, but not in a good way. Gamera wins. Gamera ALWAYS wins. When Destroy All Planets came out in 1968 it was called Gamera Vs. Outer Space Monster Viras. It should’ve been titled Gamera Kicks Your Space Face In.

This Dragon Is A Drag

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on March 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dragon Fighter

In the blandly-titled Dragon Fighter (2003), a Russian scientist with a German accent is being transported to a top-secret underground lab to experiment with Jurassic Park cloning techniques. Seems they have an actual dragon from the days in the past when flying, fire-farting reptiles were part of the social system.

Dragon Fighter

They revive the leapin’ lizard and it goes on a rampage, burning up the underground laboratory with all the digital effects flame he can muster. Later, the dragon pursues a helicopter, thinking its a potential booty call.

Dragon Fighter

Does he get lucky? Nope. And neither will you if you watch this lazy attempt at combining sci-fi with reality.

Faust In The House

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Faust: Love of the Damned

Gargantuan boobs, wholesale decapitations, kegs of blood, devil dealings, icky demons, cool red capes… Why Faust: Love of the Damned (2000), a horror/sci-fi-/fantasy flesh rodeo wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award™ offends me.

Faust: Love of the Damned

A knock-off of Spawn (1997), another artist type witnesses his mail-order girlfriend being killed with a blowtorch to the eye. Ouch-y. Depressed about this, he is later interrupted by a freakishly weird weirdo whilst trying to off himself by flying off a bridge without a hang-glider. The busybody is the mysterious “M,” who offers suicide boy revenge in exchange for his soul. Standard deal. But sure, why not?

Faust: Love of the Damned

Contract signed in sticky blood, the man grows Wolverine blades on his arms, which he uses to Cuisinart™ his enemies. He also cuts a train in half with ’em, which is cooler than you’d initially think.

Faust: Love of the Damned

Along the way he falls for a supermodel psychotherapist who has daddy issues every since she was sexually initiated at the ripe old age of 11. Then there’s a cop who learns “the truth” and signs up for a soul-searching vacation in Hell.

Faust: Love of the Damned

M’s girlfriend is a sex-dispensing hottie who has a novel way of breaking up with boyfriends she’s just met and had sex with: she kills them, sometimes before they even get their pants back on. Hey, if you’re gonna go…

Faust: Love of the Damned

Based on a comic book, Faust is a clever, fun and sometimes goofy movie for those who enjoy dismemberment and demon sex in-between handfuls of blowtorch popcorn.

Haunted Chicks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunting of Helena

Horror movies like to kiss each others’ b-holes. A truer statement was never made. This is why after Paranormal Activity came out in 2007 and hit big box office Lotto™ double mega gold, we’ve seen no less than 30 horror movies that invoke the buzzword, “paranormal.” (I’d list them all here but I’m low on activity.)

So the new trigger word to get you to buy in to horror crap-o-rama is “haunting.” That’s a good go-to word as it implies ghosts, ghost demons, unexplained ghosts, lingering beer farts… There are near countless books, TV shows and movies that employ the money word. Curiously, though, is how it is applied to horror movies with girl names. Like I said, b-hole kissing.

The most current (as of this e-blog barfing) invocation of “haunting” as paired with a chick comes with The Haunting of Helena (2013), which attempts to goons you out with a formulaic story line: “A single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history.”

Meh.

Haunted Chicks

The first “haunted girl” movie came in 1977 with The Haunting of Julia, which is actually a decent ghost-y story: “After the death of her daughter, Julia Lofting, a wealthy housewife, moves to London to re-start her life. All seems well until she is haunted by the sadness of losing her own child and the ghosts of other children.”

Sounds meh, but is actually pretty cool.

In 2003 came The Haunting of Rebecca Verlaine (aka, Garden of Love): “A woman who’s family was brutally murdered when she was little is instructed by her family’s ghosts to bring the killers to them so their souls can rest in peace.”

Was this accomplished? Meh.

Haunted Chicks

Then there’s The Haunting of Molly Hartley and The Haunting of Amelia, both released in 2008. Molly: “Molly Hartley looks to put her troubled past behind her with a fresh start at a new school, where she sparks with one of the most popular students. But can her secrets stay buried, especially as she learns more about the horrific truth that awaits her once she turns 18?”

A meh teen ghost story made for the Twilight dorks.

The Haunting of Amelia (aka The Other Side of the Tracks): “Ten years after a tragic train accident killed his girlfriend, Josh finds himself haunted by disturbing visions from somewhere between the world of the living and the dead, haunting memories that keep him from moving on.”

Haven’t seen this one. Kinda burned out on “The Haunting of…” type horror movies. Maybe I’ll give it viewing once I hold a seance in the light of the refrigerator to conjure the spirits of a six-pack.

Undead Cinderella

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cadaverella

Cadaverella (2007) is a trailer park re-telling of Cinderella (1950), with the wicked stepmother being a step-stripper, a ghost dad, a romantic guy in a wheelchair and a voodoo entity that seems like a pretty cool guy. He doesn’t do anything evil; he just creates situations where evil  can hit the fan. I wonder if he has a Facebook™ page?

Cadaverella

Any ol’ way, Cinder is a redhead virgin about to turn 21, where she’s due to inherit a pile of cash from her late father. The step-stripper mother, though, has designs for said cash and hires/beds a tough guy as a “gardener” who is obsessed with having sex with, then killing, Cinder. He does this.

Cadaverella

Cinder, though, with help from the voodoo guy, is resurrected from the beyond and gets a shot at revenge by giving her until midnight to go revengin’. She initially does this topless, which is required by back-from-the-dead law.

Cadaverella

You know how as a kid you’d go around squeezing the brains out of your little brother/sister? That’s what Cinder does to step-mom. And the psycho guy gets his right in the gut bucket.

Cadaverella

Cinder looks like a Wal-Mart™ version of your sister and has really nice shirt stuffers. Before she dies, she gives below-the-equator hand and mouth massages to her wheelchair-bound boyfriend. That is so thoughtful. Oh, and she cusses a lot. Dead or alive, you’ll really want to go out with her. Unless she’s your sister. In which case, eewww!

 

I Dream of Witches

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dreams In The Witch House

In Dreams In The Witch House (Masters of Horror Series, 2005), Walter Gilman is a grad student working on his thesis of inter-dimensional physics. (Hey Walter – I hear Jack-In-The Box™ is looking for someone with your education.)

Dreams In The Witch House

Walt moves into a really cheap (i.e., slummy) boarding house with a weird old guy downstairs, a fat slob landlord, and a single mom hot chick with a squalling brat who cries even louder when a human-faced rat comes out of the wall and starts to nibble on him. What a cry baby.

Dreams In The Witch House

Walter saves the day by fixing the woman’s hole, but inherits the problem in his room, which just happens to be a gateway for a witch who needs a sacrifice of a child to do more witch-y stuff. Of course, being an “educated” type, Walter doesn’t believe in his nightmares or that talking rodent. The old creepy man downstairs does and tries to warn Walter. Yep, not goin’ there, either.

Dreams In The Witch House

One day the gal asks Walter to baby-sit. Guess he shouldn’t have fallen asleep on the job because the kid was taken by the witch and is in the attic somewhere. Digging his way through the wall like a human-faced rat, Walter, confronted by the Demoness, is forced to give the kid a knife nap. Someone should call the school and tell them Walter won’t be coming back.

And the rat? He has one last thing to do – and it’s double icky gross. Probably not for a rat. But for a human, totally.

Sci-Fi Virgin

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Am A Virgin

A tongue-in-lower-cheek spoof of I Am Legend (2007), which was a spoof of Omega Man (1971), which was a spoof of The Last Man on Earth (1964), I Am Virgin (2010) is a sub-budget “sci-fi” movie set three years into the future after a virus wipes out everybody except a young guy named Robby.

I Am Virgin

All other survivors are ultra-horny vampires who suck everything except blood. Robby, the son of ultra-strict religious parents who drilled it into his head that sex and women will lead to the destruction of all mankind (they were almost right about that one), watches porn by night and searches for the right woman by day, bemoaning his virgin status on video blogs, which he posts daily.

I Am Virgin

How the internet and electricity is still functioning after three years is anyone’s guess. But sci-fi doesn’t have to explain anything to you, man.

I Am Virgin

Robby won’t give in, though, believing that the right woman might have survived the Armageddon and that he’ll someday find her. With his luck, she’ll turn out to be a lesbian.

Goth Airlines

Posted in Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Satan death metal thrash Goth rocker Slade Craven is performing a concert – in the cargo hold aboard a 747 commercial flying machine. This means the cockpit is now the mosh pit. The first-ever airborne heavy metal gig is also being simulcast on the Internet, or “world wide web.”

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Shortly after take-off the show begins, with Craven looking like a cross between Marilyn Manson and that white-faced vampire thing in Subspecies (1991). In the background, a law-pursued hacker manages to hack his way into the web TV’s mainframe to watch the concert for free. (I totally bet it was my neighbor.)

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

During the show something goes wrong besides the concept; Craven shoots the pilot – and personal baggage is NOT stored safely in the overhead compartment. Seems an imposter Craven – a real devil-worshipper – is hijacking the plane with the plan to crash it into a specific church in Kansas, reputed to be the gateway to Hell, thereby letting out all the stink demons. (No wonder Dorothy wanted out of that town so bad.)

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

The hacker sees all of this on his screen, as does the FBI, and the race is on to save a plane load of really stupid-looking Goth rocker fans from a fate they deserve for dressing so stupid.

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Wild twists and cool shifts in plotting turn this preposterous premise into a real headbanger. At the very least, no one can accuse Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001) of being clichéd. FYI: The ending is worth three times the DVD rental. I won’t spoil it so as to not ruin your heavy metal dreams. And hey, death metal songs to sing along with!

Eating Corn With A Pitchfork

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scarecrow Slayer

As a four-year-old riding on a farm tractor at midnight, plowing the fields (couldn’t it wait until morning?), Tony Todd (Candyman in a previous life) watched his dad get pitch-forked by a demonically possessed scarecrow. At this point we don’t know if the pitchfork was real or just a prop.

Scarecrow Slayer

When Tony grew up, he wrote numerous books about the forked up cornfield guardian and learned that yes, booze can solve just about all of your problems. He even managed to capture the darn thing, tied it up in said field of corn and keep his shotgun and mind-clearing whiskey at the ready.

Scarecrow Slayer

Along comes two frat pledges whose job is to steal the scarecrow and bring it back to the dorm (probably to have relations with it). Tony, senses amplified by alcohol, runs out with all guns blazing and shoots one of the kids in the stomach-y area. Through the magic of Art Institute™ special effects, the boy’s soul is sucked into the scarecrow, thereby reanimating it and setting out on a murderous vegetable-esque rampage.

Scarecrow Slayer

Tony made two mistakes in regards to Scarecrow Slayer (2003): one was starring in it. The second was not having enough booze to blot out this epic career fail.