Archive for March, 2014

Aliens vs. Rednecks

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Altered

Fifteen years ago some young boys were out hunting and ran into some aliens wanting to play “probe the redneck.” Thankfully, they don’t show this. Now potty-mouthed adults with mullets and guns, they manage to track and trap one o’ them gol’durn aliens and make him pay for killing one of their friends and messing up the mind of another.

Altered

They wrap it in tarp, bind it in chains and put a welder’s mask on it so that its thought beams can’t shoot out and get you. They bring the alien to the house of the sole abductee survivor for a little R&R (revenge and retribution). It’s here this entertaining film turns up the fun volume.

Altered

If the alien bites you, you’re cooked. Literally. Like a Komodo dragon, the infected wound eats you up from the inside until you’re begging for someone to put a bullet in your rotting face. The best scene comes when one of the aliens plays tug-of-war with human intestines still attached.

Altered

Loosely based on the TRUE Travis Walton UFO incident in 1975 where Travis was actually sucked into a UFO (OK, that didn’t sound right), Altered (2006) is as taut as a stretched intestine. Though it was directed by one of the people behind The Blair Witch Project (1999), one of the worst horror movies of all time and space, Altered, with an alien that seems to like Earth bathrooms, is a probing good time.

Altered

At War With Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot Wars

Once Bigfoot Wars comes out on May 23, 2014 , it’ll change the entire film industry. How do I know this? Several reasons. But first, the plot…

Bigfoot Wars focuses on a small-town sheriff who with the help of a “Dixieland Mafioso” family patriarch sets out to hunt a creature that is widely believed to be a myth. They soon find themselves battling for survival as they discover they aren’t dealing with just one beast, but are at war with many.”

Bigfoot Wars

The movie’s title is an ass kick. That is to say it kicks ass. Secondly, they aren’t doing a movie with just one Sasquatch, but lots and lots. My hope is that there are 30 dozen of the iconic cryptid. Even if there’s a mere 100 of ’em, that alone makes Bigfoot Wars the must see movie of the year. And don’t let the fact the C. Thomas Howell, who has been in more SyFy Channel™ movies than me, keep you from seeing it.

Bigfoot Wars, incidentally, is based on the bestselling novels from Eric. S. Brown. I have no idea what the “S” in his middle name stands for. Probably “success.” He’s written more books than a library can hold.

Bigfoot Wars

Too bad I can’t read, because with books titled Space Stations and Graveyards, Season of Rot and Zombies II: Inhuman sure sound like quality entertainment. But hey, I can still watch TV with the best of ’em. Some call it a gift.

Vampires Bite Uranus

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodsuckers

For a movie about vampires to call itself Bloodsuckers (2005) makes you wonder who got paid to come up with it. If it was more than a dollar, they were over-paid. Fortunately, someone kinda sort a fixed it when the made-for-TV sci-fi flick was retitled Vampire Wars: Battle For The Universe. Still dumb, but not Bloodsuckers dumb.

In the future we find that the universe is being scourged by a snack-pack variety of vampires. Teams of vampire hunters roam the galaxy and shout “lock ’n load, people” pseudo-military slogans and do a lot of synchronized posing.

Bloodsuckers

One such team has a hot vampire chick working with them (she can smell vampire B.O., even in space), who has to drink plasma (space term for blood) instead of “snecking.” (Snacking on necks.)

Bloodsuckers

They land on an abandoned planet, only to discover the place is overrun with dozens, maybe even a hundred dozen vampires. Seems some disenchanted Earth people have teamed up with the vampires to eliminate humans throughout the star system because they’re fed up with humans acting so aggressively towards EVERYTHING.

Bloodsuckers

No flinching on the gore and cannibalism (some vampires eat the flesh of their victims as though it were Red Vines™), and if you can put up with the painful dialogue (“That their genetics were merged by the vampirazation process was of profound interest.”) you’ll be rewarded with a talking chest-burster parasite (i.e., phallic-shaped sock puppet), and the super hot vampire chick offering to have sex with the captain to get him to relax.

Bloodsuckers

Because sex with a vampire can be fatal (I’m willing to risk it), she does the whole “tantric non-touching” space boot-knocking that’s alledgedly mind-blowing. Thanks, but in the future I’ll stick with making out with a lunar chick in the back seat of my space pod. (I hope I can afford one of those in the future. Space pod, not a lunar chick.)

Swamp Things

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bog Creatures

A history professor  needs to verify his theories that a race of totally mean army guys called Berserkers (looking like they just stepped out of Supercuts™) existed to do nothing but chase shirtless chicks around and use their blood for some sort of ritual. So he sends five lippy college kids out into the swamp to dig up remains.

Bog Creatures

During the dig a frightened chick is discovered, her camp in disarray and her tight shirt barely clinging for life. The forest poop and rummage sale clothed Bog Creatures, unhappy that their rituals were interrupted for a few hundred years, begin again, rise and go berserk on the twerps.

Bog Creatures

In an “almost didn’t see it coming” twist (insert roll-y eyed sarcasm here), the frightened chick turns out to be a descendant of the priestess doing all the rituals back in the day, and is responsible for gassing up the Boggy Men. “Look at me—I raised the dead…and I didn’t even finish grad school!” she gleefully proclaims. Good for her.

Bog Creatures

Bog Creatures (2003) are as threatening as mud puddles and the students deserve a failing grade for thinking they could act their way out of the swamp.

Space Turtle vs. Space Squid

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Destroy All Planets

I’ve always wanted to destroy all planets. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine. Some aliens in ping-pong ball shaped spaceships painted to look like bumblebees taped together have the same idea. I had it first, though.

Gamera, being the giant space turtle an self-appointed Guardian of the Universe, intervenes and jams his head into the spaceship and makes it explode. Just before Gamera did that, though, the aliens got off a signal telling their home planet that Gamera is now their enemy. Well, duh.

Destroy All Planets

Back on Earth, two boy scout kids are visiting Marine Land (or whatever its called) and get aboard a mini-sub. That they’re able to fire it up and figure out the controls is a testimony to the Federation of Boy Scouts. Today’s scouts are tomorrow’s neckerchief-wearing sub commanders.

Destroy All Planets

While underwater, they see Gamera and race him. Gamera could totally win, but he LOVES horsing around with them, and at one point even looks like he’s smiling. But a second ping-pong ball spaceship arrives and snags the mini-sub in a “super catch ray.” Crap – it worked on Gamera, too!

Destroy All PlanetsThe boys are taken aboard the ship and Gamera’s brain waves are scanned for clues as to his weakness: children. Gamera loves kids so much, he won’t stomp on them or eat them raw.

Destroy All Planets

Eventually the super catch ray weakens and Gamera escapes. But the aliens threaten to kill the boys if Gamera does not allow them to attach a brain-controlling device on his big turtle-y head. This device makes Gamera do the Riverdance™ all over Tokyo, smecking (smashing and wrecking) plaster buildings, balsawood bridges and cardboard dams.

Destroy All Planets

Meanwhile, the boys are causing hell for the Virans aboard their own spacecraft. They find a squid monster and think it, like Gamera, was captured as well. The joke’s on them – it’s Viras, the mutli-tentacled leader of the Virans. Double crap! The resourceful scouts, though, manage to help free Gamera, who then proceeds to make destruction happen on the aliens.

Destroy All Planets

Viras kicks into high-gear and grows to the size of Gamera (approximately 2,160 inches) and the two knock boots, but not in a good way. Gamera wins. Gamera ALWAYS wins. When Destroy All Planets came out in 1968 it was called Gamera Vs. Outer Space Monster Viras. It should’ve been titled Gamera Kicks Your Space Face In.

This Dragon Is A Drag

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on March 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dragon Fighter

In the blandly-titled Dragon Fighter (2003), a Russian scientist with a German accent is being transported to a top-secret underground lab to experiment with Jurassic Park cloning techniques. Seems they have an actual dragon from the days in the past when flying, fire-farting reptiles were part of the social system.

Dragon Fighter

They revive the leapin’ lizard and it goes on a rampage, burning up the underground laboratory with all the digital effects flame he can muster. Later, the dragon pursues a helicopter, thinking its a potential booty call.

Dragon Fighter

Does he get lucky? Nope. And neither will you if you watch this lazy attempt at combining sci-fi with reality.

Faust In The House

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Faust: Love of the Damned

Gargantuan boobs, wholesale decapitations, kegs of blood, devil dealings, icky demons, cool red capes… Why Faust: Love of the Damned (2000), a horror/sci-fi-/fantasy flesh rodeo wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award™ offends me.

Faust: Love of the Damned

A knock-off of Spawn (1997), another artist type witnesses his mail-order girlfriend being killed with a blowtorch to the eye. Ouch-y. Depressed about this, he is later interrupted by a freakishly weird weirdo whilst trying to off himself by flying off a bridge without a hang-glider. The busybody is the mysterious “M,” who offers suicide boy revenge in exchange for his soul. Standard deal. But sure, why not?

Faust: Love of the Damned

Contract signed in sticky blood, the man grows Wolverine blades on his arms, which he uses to Cuisinart™ his enemies. He also cuts a train in half with ’em, which is cooler than you’d initially think.

Faust: Love of the Damned

Along the way he falls for a supermodel psychotherapist who has daddy issues every since she was sexually initiated at the ripe old age of 11. Then there’s a cop who learns “the truth” and signs up for a soul-searching vacation in Hell.

Faust: Love of the Damned

M’s girlfriend is a sex-dispensing hottie who has a novel way of breaking up with boyfriends she’s just met and had sex with: she kills them, sometimes before they even get their pants back on. Hey, if you’re gonna go…

Faust: Love of the Damned

Based on a comic book, Faust is a clever, fun and sometimes goofy movie for those who enjoy dismemberment and demon sex in-between handfuls of blowtorch popcorn.