Old Time Western Cannibalism

The Burrowers

Everyone pointed fingers at the Ute Indian tribe after a family turned up with six members slaughtered and four more missing, including little kids and an Irish immigrant’s fiancée. That’s a big family. Must not have heard of CONDOMS.

The remaining corpses had neck wounds that looked cauterized, but not burnt. There was also a suspicious lack of blood. One’s mind goes immediately to vampires, but folk back in 1841 didn’t believe in that sort of thing, preferring to spooked by Indians and religion instead.

The Burrowers

A posse is rounded up (or rounded off) and everyone, including the guy wanting his fiancée back for some reason, gets their horses moving in the direction indicated by unusual round holes in the ground. These holes are way too big for golf, so it must be something new the Ute’s have been working on.

During the night the Burrowers, underground ick creatures mistakenly believed to be the guilty Indian tribe, come for a few late night snacks. These things look like a cross between a man-size mole and a man-size grasshopper, with round mouths and factory-fresh sharp piranha teeth. But since it’s dark, it’s believed the Indians are tracking them.

The Burrowers

This all leads up to one of the head guys getting his neck sliced and some sort of wet goo spit on it to keep it from bleeding. This maintains the infection and allows for a slow, motor-skills debilitating paralysis. Just like beer.

The Burrowers’ methodology is designed to keep their prey in place and not let the internal organs rot, so they can be eaten at a later date, oven fresh. I say yum to that.

The Burrowers

The Burrowers (2008) is a well done western, with believable cowboy dialogue and a way to introduce the monsters without seeming gol’durn goofy. And the Burrower monsters? That’s one tribe the White Man won’t be trying to take land away from any time soon.

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