Archive for January, 2014

Sewer Phantom

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , on January 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Phantom of the Opera

The eternally classic Phantom of the Opera (1925) is adapted from the book Le Fantôme de l’Opéra, which I never even looked at because I can’t read French. I assumed I could. My bad.

The Phantom of the Opera

So this opera lovin’ dude has a f’d up face, so he wears a mask and lives in what seems like a million feet below the Paris Opera House where Christine, his muse, sings songs in a really high voice. (You don’t get to hear it as this is a silent movie. Just use your imagination.)

The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom threatens mega unhappy times if the theater/theatre owners do not let his song bird perform instead of that singing diva c-word, Carlotta. He makes good on the threat by dropping a massive chandelier (fancy name for fluorescent lighting) on the audience during a sold-out show. Dude! 

The Phantom of the Opera

The Phantom, who has been secretly coaching Christine, finally gets the nerve to ask her out, and takes her to his nicely appointed crib in the sewers. (French sewage – loaded with recycled wine, butter and stink cheese.)

The Phantom of the Opera

He tells her not to fixate on his mask and that if she touches it, will totally wreck their relationship. She touches it. Snap! That turned out to be one of horror’s all time kick ass shock moments as the Phantom looks like a mummy with too much eye shadow and lipstick.

Inevitably, the cops show up and beat the arts outta him. Too bad – the Phantom showed serious sequel potential.

 

Evil Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Satan’s Baby Doll

Despite Satan’s Baby Doll (1982) title (Satan doesn’t appear, he just licensed his name for this production), this half-baked Euro-sleaze tale about sex from beyond the grave does have its rewind moments.

Dad kills mom for sleeping with everybody but him. Geez, lighten up, Francis. Mom returns as a naked ghost spirit that possesses her mega-hot teenage daughter to continue her sexing ways. The uncle is a paraplegic who is attended to (i.e., hand-bathed with the glory of the washcloth) by a supermodel/nun.

Satan’s Baby Doll OK, she’s not quite ordained yet, but she wears the right clothes until bedtime. Then she takes ’em off to reveal thigh-high silk stockings and high heels. No point in adding a bra to this functional yet stylish casual attire.

Satan’s Baby Doll

When possessed, the teen daughter exposes her religion-proof body and wanders around the family’s castle, looking for someone to do. Dad is hooked on drugs, dabbles in the Black Arts, and tries to make it with the nun, but she ain’t having “nun” of that. Heh.

Mom returns from the grave – nude as naked could be – to seduce dad to death. But drugs have made his bacon under cooked, so he has to go away. Too bad he had to die with Mr. Wink dangling through his unsecured bathrobe. That can’t be anything but embarrassing.

Satan’s Baby Doll

Mom, though, wants to pick up where she left off with the nun (aha – that explains the inherently sexy underwear), but needs her daughter’s body to do it. The nun, though, wants to set the daughter’s soul free. To do this, she has to get naked and… I’ll let you connect the rest of the dots. Use both hands.

Satan’s Baby Doll

This Spanish lurid horror sex romp (aka, La bimba di Satana) at least had hot women if not a hot plot. Man, I wish I lived in a Spanish castle with an unsecured bathrobe and supermodel who could assist me with my daily hygiene rituals.

Religion Gone Wild

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Nun

To say the uber-strict Sister Ursula gets into her job is an understatement. She tortures “godless and impure” girls at the Catholic convent school, stuffing passed notes in mouths and sticking a water nozzle where God hadn’t intended a water nozzle should be stuck. Clearly, religion holds a special place in her heart.

The Nun

Fed up with being nozzled, stuck and stuffed, the students turn on Sister Ursula and drown her in a bathtub. Baptized with bubbles. Homework assignment completed, they haul the Sister’s body out to the school’s deep pond and give her a proper burial at sea.

The Nun

Twenty years later the pond was drained, which means Sister Ursula’s revenge-driven soul was allowed to escape. (Her bones, though, were probably eaten by pond sharks.) Because she died by water, so does that become the method of her revenge.

The Nun

The ordained effects in The Nun (aka, La Monja/2005) are kinda cool, what with the floating Sister doing stuff with water only a Catholic Aquaman could do. No nudity (dang), colorful dismemberment (sweet), and a mystery that couldn’t stump a bone dry Nancy Drew. All in all, not a bad way to spend an hour and a half. That, or in a confessional.

People McNuggets

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , on January 18, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rogue

When you get down to it, giant crocodiles eating people is a solid business model. You have your scenic outdoor sequences, nature narratives, screamy tourists, and hey, no unnecessary story lines – just meet ’n eat.

Rogue

A bowlful, uh, boatload of tourists vacationing in Australia go up the wrong river without a paddle. Something – I’m not saying what – smashes into their flotation device and flips it over, forcing them to swim for a small mud island.

Rogue

Some can dog-paddle faster than others. Good for them. Those who can’t… You may as well call the sandbar a dinner plate as it isn’t much of a safe haven due to a fast rising tide, leaving the leftovers, uh, tourists to figure out how to get across the river to what they think is safe ground. From here on out it’s a guessing game to see which annoying tourist gets snacked in half and in what order before the “into the croc pot” ending.

Rogue The tourist guide – a blonde supermodel – still thinks she’s in charge. That is, until Mr. Snappy makes out with her with his toothy kiss of death. So much for a second date.

Rogue

Great butt-clenching tension as everyone tries to get to dry land on a rope line suspended a few feet over the water. The angle of the dangle. You know what’s gonna happen, but it’s still fun to see it all go down. (Yeah, down Mr. Snappy’s throat – ha!)

Rogue

The crocodile of the moment is pretty big (the credits say 23 feet in length), doesn’t look fake and prefers a side order of screaming with his meals. Which makes Rogue (2007) on par with the other exact plot croc movie, Black Water (2007) and almost as good as Primeval (2007). Like I said, a solid business model.

Giant Mexican Cephalopod

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster from the Ocean Floor

Pffft – some monster; it looks like an octopus made out of a meatball with one eye and tentacles that seem to be waving at eight different clams at the same time.

Monster from the Ocean Floor

So while you/me/we breathlessly wait to see this oven baked creature (total screen time: 13 seconds spread over three “sightings”), we have to put up with a chick vacationing in Mexico who, upon hearing about said water devil, becomes obsessed with finding it. Not sure what she planned on doing with it once located. Maybe to give her much-needed acting lessons.

Monster from the Ocean Floor

Her new marine biologist boyfriend, who smokes nutritious cigarettes and plays the acoustic guitar (a cross between a tone deaf James Taylor and worn brakes), doesn’t share her belief system as all he wants to do is snorkel in her sea grotto.

Monster from the Ocean Floor

Then there’s a half-baked attempt to pad the plot even more with a concerned local with territorial community spirit who wants to keep the monster around to eat tourists. Now who will buy those novelty day-glo sombreros?

Octopus Hot Dogs

You already know how this ends – with you wanting a full refund. Monster from the Ocean Floor (1954) will give your eyes “see food” poisoning.

Three Heads, Two Tails, Four Names

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of Astro-Monster

Astro-Monster is really King Ghidorah with a different name. Actually, in this 1965 sci-fi classi movie, he’s referred to by four different names: Monster Zero, Astro-Monster, Ghidrah and the aforementioned King Ghidorah. I bet this gets really confusing to the cops that pull him over for speeding.

Invasion of Astro-Monster

Planet X, parked right behind Jupiter in the Scorpion Galaxy (yes, that’s a real galaxy), is sending out a distress signal. So an American and Japanese astronaut fly there to check it out. A little more than a commuter flight, the lunar dudes land on the barren planet, only to be greeted by Xians, inhabitants that have to live five miles underground because of you-know-who zapping them in the meteor hole.

Invasion of Astro-Monster

These Xians wear silver space suits and New Wave sunglasses and offer Earth a miracle drug that will cure any disease (not Budweiser™, but close) in exchange for their help in getting rid of you-know-who. (It’s not determined if the miracle drug can eliminate hangovers. If it did, I’d be on the next rocket headed to the very REAL Scorpion Galaxy.)

Invasion of Astro-Monster

The Xians need to borrow Godzilla and that pecker head Rodan, the only two things that could possibly defeat the lightning-spewing beast. So they come to Earth in flying saucers (even referred to by the Xians as flying saucers) and using technology, transport the city-wreckers back to Planet X in space bubbles, where an epic point-counterpoint with King Ghidorah ensues.

Invasion of Astro-Monster

Back on Earth, the astronauts find out they’ve been hoaxed by the Xians who want to control our world. Those stinkin’ butt-heads. They have Godzilla and Rodan under control and bring King Ghidorah to our previously happy planet to smash it, the irony being that we were doing it fine on our own.

Invasion of Astro-Monster

Urban mega damage and battle destructo-ness transpires. Despite Godzilla doing a premature one-legged victory hop dance (an entirely embarrassing moment, even if he was drunk with power), Invasion of Astro-Monster is good time giant monster fun. And really, isn’t that why we’re all here?

Flaunt Your Haunt

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on January 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House on Haunted Hill

Frederick Loren, millionaire, knows how to throw a party. First, he has five guests (who don’t know each other) picked up and dropped off at his creepy mansion in hearses. Then he offers each of them $10,000 to stay the entire night. ($11,000 if they do it without pajamas.) There’s a catch – the freakin’ place is freakin’ haunted.

House on Haunted Hill

In order to help them sleep better, each is given a loaded gun. So far, so good. Throw in a little booze (what is a personal firearm without alcohol but a harmless party favor?) and it’s an easy eight hours to Spend City. Or is it?

House on Haunted Hill

During the night the guests are made Underoos™-staining frightened by animated skeletons, bodies with no heads (I know, I could’ve used the word “disembodied” here), and one of the scariest floating old women you’ll ever see this week. 

House on Haunted Hill

Horror icon Vincent Price as Frederick Loren is priceless as the manipulative millionaire whose wife is a royal pain in the pocket book. But then that’s why he threw the party – to make everyone realize what a royal pain she is. I totally would’ve shot her with my party favor.

Made in 1959, House on Haunted Hill (1959) thing stands as one of the coolest all-time spookers.

House on Haunted Hill