Archive for December, 2013

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

In overload marketing prep for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (arriving July, 2014) now comes four teaser posters, each looking quite badass.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I don’t want to spoil the party, but I think the apes are favored to win this game. How could I possibly know that? Here’s the plot: “A growing nation of genetically evolved apes led by Caesar is threatened by a band of human survivors of the devastating virus unleashed a decade earlier. They reach a fragile peace, but it proves short-lived, as both sides are brought to the brink of a war that will determine who will emerge as Earth’s dominant species.”

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Yep, sounds familiar. This, of course, is the bone structure of 1973’s Battle for the Planet of the Apes. In case you haven’t seen it 27 times like me, or read a truncated review on this here blog back on Christmas Day, 2011, here’s what gets flung against the wall…

After getting served in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972), the humans, with radioactive sores on their units, rally for some payback.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

It’s now the 21st Century, 10 years after the apes dehumanized the world. And what non-radioactive humans are left are kept in corrals out in the woods and made to do minimum-wage stuff for their ape masters. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Head ape Caesar, tired of all the non-getting-alonging, decides it might be time for peaceful coexisting with their hairless pets. Damn hippie. But the easily agitated General Aldo ain’t downtown with that. He’d just as soon turn ’em loose in a cornfield and do a little sport huntin’.

Caesar, Aldo decides, must be stopped, and Ape City (not really a city, more like tree houses with indoor plumbing) must be invaded. Aldo murders Caesar’s son when the little branch-swinger overhears the gorilla’s plan to overthrow the current government. Monkey doo is about to hit every fan left working.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

But as history shows, humans are no match for their ape overlords, and get their sore asses handed to ’em yet again in an old style Western shoot-out. Now it’s time to talk to Aldo about that murdering thing. It’s cool for apes to kill humans, but NOT COOL for ape to kill ape. Let’s just say another rule gets broken on that, the first of many future days.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

While Battle for the Planet of the Apes has some fun moments, the lack of spectacular sets, doomsday bombs and Dr. Zaius makes it the most lackluster of the Apes series. Still, monkeys that talk. That’s pretty neat.

Giant Cursed Frog

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , on December 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Croaker

A giant cursed frog. Strangely, I’m down with this. I’m even OK with Croaker, the movie’s somewhat goofy name. I’ve always regarded frogs as being one of nature’s whoopee cushions as they make really funny disgusting noises when squeezed.

But far be from me to perform injustices on these pond ambassadors, like dissection in school classrooms or experiments with firecrackers firmly jammed where weapons of mass destruction should not be jammed.

Croaker

But I digress. Croaker is an indie horror move arriving February 1, 2014 with initial distribution secured for Amazon™, iTunes™, Netflix™ and Hulu Plus™. I say good for them.

Croaker

So here’s what to expect from Croaker, which was shot in Canonsburg, PA: “Four friends. Two brothers. One curse.” Yep, that’s all there is. I’m thinking, though, that the curse is genital warts.

Croaker

Hard to tell what the frog creature looks like head to flipper. But up front it bears an uncanny resemblance to the frog faced guy in Cirque du Soeil’s Totem. Giant frogs are one thing, but giant frogs skilled in the art of choreographed performance art is a whole new realm of horror. In a good way, though; Cirque puts on some quality entertainment. Just wish I could understand it as I have no idea what a “cirque” is. That’s probably French for “giant frogs rip your face off.”

Told you they were quality entertainment.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. So wrong and yet so right. Then again, the movie – designed to capitalize on the Sharknado cultural phenomenon – is being done by The Asylum, the movie studio that waits for someone else to come with an idea, then they “re-purpose it” for $1.49 for the bottom feeding cash-in.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Due out January 28, 2014, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark needs no more than a one sentence plot: “When a new Mega Shark threatens mankind, the government unleashes the top-secret Mecha Shark to defeat the monster in a pitched battle that threatens the planet.”

I’ll make a bold prediction here – the planet survives. You won’t, though.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Now that I’ve wrecked the entire movie for you, here’s something else to chew on: Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark was partially inspired by last summer’s RoboCroc (2013), a heartwarming tale of a science-enhanced crocodile that becomes mechanized and gets loose in a water park filled with the dying screams of kids that pee in the pool.

Expect more mecha mash-ups as Hollywood – even fake Hollywood – is clearly running out of ideas.

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

P.S. Japanese sci-fi has had mechanical monsters battling their biological counterparts since the early ’70s. Heck, they even invented the word “mecha.” I wouldn’t blame them for peeing in the ocean where we get our shark sushi.

Big Hair Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , on December 10, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exte: Hair Extensions

You know that shudder you get when you find a hair in your Jell-O™? OK, multiply that by one hundred million and you get Exte: Hair Extensions (2006), a freakishly odd Asian horror movie about possessed hair.

Exte: Hair Extensions

A female corpse shows up in a huge freight container packed full of black hair. She has surgical scars and, besides missing her own hair, is also coming up short of inner organs. This is another in a string of unsolved murders in which numerous young girls have been killed alive for their inner workings.

Exte: Hair Extensions

But what the cops can’t figure out is why each has no hair. The coroner might be able to tell you, but he’s too busy indulging in his hair fetish, and has a new toy with the stolen corpse as her hair keeps growing and growing. And not just out of her head. Eyes, nostrils, fingernails… Am I forgetting any other orifices? Hair pours out of these portals.

Exte: Hair Extensions

This gives him enough to trim and sell to the local salons, who pay good money for human hair to use as wigs and extensions. One of the salon gals gets the new tresses and the hair goes evil on her, sprouting like black spaghetti gone wild. The coroner, waist deep, literally backstrokes in all the hair his corpse keeps growing – and he’s getting happier and weirder by the minute.

Exte: Hair Extensions

The corpse wants revenge and her hair back. The cops want to arrest somebody. All these elements come together in one of the hairiest scenes filmed. And the coroner? Let’s just say he’s about to have a really bad hair day and wig out. Heh.

A Rural Exorcism

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackwater Valley Exorcism

Eric Forester, former religious dude and now a psychiatrist, is given the green light by the Catholic Church™ to validate demonic possession. What a sweet gig – being paid to watch people cuss and vomit.

Blackwater Valley Exorcism

Eric travels to a house out in the sticks containing a young woman seemingly possessed by evil. Looks easy to disprove as she doesn’t float around the bed, puke up Campbell’s Soup™ and/or swear in ancient languages. She does, though, have a spooky voice that sounds like she’s gargling the aforementioned soup while talking.

Then there’s the demon girl’s sister, who just happened to be Eric’s former girlfriend. Seems the psychiatrist has some demons in his closet as well, as he punched her out back in the day. But she’s over it now and wants to kiss his lap. But his guilt won’t allow a freebie. And that’s yet another problem with religion.

Blackwater Valley ExorcismEveryone’s being manipulated by the evil presence and having a good time doing it. Clues lead Eric to zero in on the real possessed person, and the revelation is so underwhelming as to cause soup yawning.

Blackwater Valley Exorcism

They needed to spend more money designing the demon gal, who looks like those Goth idiots who smear mall blood on their faces and walk around at parties as if to say, “Look at me – I’m an authentic Goth!” 

As for the devil stuff, I give Blackwater Valley Exorcism (2006) an authentic “meh.”

Raiders of the Lost Shark

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Raiders of the Lost Shark

From the makers of Jurassic Shark (2012) now comes Raiders of the Lost Shark, an admittedly tongue-in-cheek chew-a-thon done on a budget that wouldn’t cover your monthly shark repellent bill.

Jurassic Shark

Literally zero is known about the plot at this time. However, they might think about re-titling the movie as it’s been used before, going all the way back to the heavily-copyrighted Raiders of the Lost Shark Disney cartoon in 1994.

Raiders of the Lost Shark

Then there’s the upcoming The Ghastly McNastys: Raiders of the Lost Shark kid’s book by Lyn Gardner and Ros Asquith that comes out in May 2014.

The Ghastly McNastys: Raiders of the Lost Shark

Then there are the Raiders of the Lost Shark movie poster spoofs littering the internet…

Raiders of the Lost Shark

I could go on. But I choose not to at this time as I’m busy hunting down a replacement DVD of the holiday shark movie, Santa Jaws. I wore out my last two copies.

Santa Jaws

That ’50s Giant Spider

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on December 5, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Earth vs. The Spider

Earth vs. The Spider (1958) is classic ’50s giant bug movie, only this time they used a Hollywood spider instead of one of those stuffy off-Broadway insects.

Two teens in love (i.e., horny) wander into the Carlsbad Caverns and happen upon some human skeleton bones and trawler net-sized webbing to capture those needing their flesh removed. With all that love going on, it isn’t long before the giant spider within straps on the food bag. It comes out of hiding and makes a horrendous screeching and sci-fi sound, just like my vacuum cleaner when I try and suck up silverware/robot parts. Unfortunately, they escape unharmed.

Earth vs. The Spider

Informing the town’s sheriff who thinks the teens are hopped up on goofers (drugs and/or hormones), half the police department is sent to the cave and sees for themselves. Yep – giant spider, just like they hysterically indicated. Much running and screaming at this point. It’s decided to spray the eight-legged tank with some DDT. Personally, I would’ve opted for 700 gallons of Raid™, but hey, their town, their rules.

Earth vs. The Spider

The spider is thought to be killed after the hosing, so they get the bright idea to haul the carcass back to town and put it in the school’s gymnasium. How they got it through the doors only the principal can say.

Earth vs. The Spider

The students aren’t that impressed with a giant dead spider in their school and set about having a sock hop dance with a wild band playing what would later become hippie music. The crunchy grooves and gyrating pelvises wake up the spider and it’s time to do some grocery shopping.

Earth vs. The Spider

With much fanfare the spider makes its way back to the cave where officials (rednecks with guns) seal the arachnid hole with dynamite. Aw, geez – the same two teens are trapped inside with the beast, who by now has snack-man fever. (Hey kids, get a room, for crying out loud.)

Earth vs. The Spider

An easily implementable plan is devised to drill through the top of the caverns, snake long wires attached to a utility pole outside, get on either side of the spider with hand-held electrons and zap that multi-legged suck face, thereby rescuing the drill-seeking teenagers.

Earth vs. The Spider

Thankfully, someone had the sense to wear rubber gloves before turning on the juice, or Spidey would’ve had himself a nice char-broiled teen burger dinner. And the kids? Why, they became your parents. I thought you knew that.

Wrestling With Dracula And Wolf Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman

In this 1972 action-packed supernatural bout, undefeated pro wrestler/crime fighter/super hero Santo and his bestest buddy Blue Demon go after the recently resurrected Dracula and his servant, Rufus Rex (aka, the Wolfman).

Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman

The ill-intent criminals’ plan is to kidnap some chicks and sacrifice them to Satan, their employer. Before that can be done they have to assemble an army of vampires and wolf men. They accomplish this by biting people.

Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman

The inevitable “no falls/no disqualification” match in the Chamber of Caves is the very definition of action. As if fighting off an army of wolf men wasn’t exciting enough, all the werewolves are wearing sweaters and button-up shirts. Their chests and hands aren’t hairy, though. Spanish werewolves don’t have to obey the rules, man.

Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman

Santo and Blue Demon pull out their best moves to vanquish the sinvergüenzas sucios (look it up). As with all the great Santo movies, it begins and ends with real wrestling matches (two out of three falls). The third one – against El Angel and that godd*mn Renato The Hippie – is almost as good as the movie itself, with priceless commentary from the announcer: “Blue Demon is attentive!” “The multitude’s idols win again!” and my fav, “Get away, hippie!”

Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman

Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & The Wolfman (1973) is sub-titled. But for real fun, turn ’em off and watch it in Spanish. I translated one killer wrestling move as, “Aiiyeee – he just pulled my neck! Referee – make him stop!”

Interpreting Spanish is so easy, I’m surprised more people don’t do it.

Drunk Dinosaur

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on December 3, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Reptilicus

Despite looking like a pension drunk dinosaur puppet with wings, skin that’s as tough as Godzilla’s dickey (a faux shirt front worn under the jacket that looks quite stylish with powder blue tuxedos), and the ability to DUI fly, Reptilicus (1962) is quite badass.

Reptilicus

That he can regenerate himself from any chunk blown off during an exchange of military fire, makes ’Tilicus one durable city-wrecker. Oh, yeah – he can also shoot cartoon green acid glop from his frozen snarl. Again, badass.

Reptilicus

Miners making holes in the ground unearth (or “dig up”) a section of Reptilicus’ tail. Cool – something for the mantle. Once the tail thawed, it reformed itself into the aforementioned giant drunk monster. From there it goes on a party binge in Copenhagen, being that one ass hat of a guest who wouldn’t leave.

Reptilicus

Reptilicus was not played by a man in a rubber suit or computer-generated, which means he’s a puppet whose strings and patience are being yanked. Scientists figure out how to poison the monster long enough for the military to ’86 poor misunderstood Reptilicus and… Wait – did I just see his unharmed foot fall into the sea? PARTY!

Reptilicus

Vampire-Proof Earrings

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Witches with tags , , , , , on December 2, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

A Czech artsy fartsy, fantasy/horror flick with vampires (so white as to be transparent), boobies (a fair sampling) and weasels. (One weasel, actually. How hard would it have been to add a few more, I ask?) But to get to the good stuff you have to sit through a story line so abstract as to break your brain.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

Back in the day when people took carriages instead of cabs, a 13 year-old girl is given enchanted earrings that keep her from harm. This is good because her grandmother, mom, dad and half the town are vampires.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

A local priest is hot for the young jailbait, but can’t seem to convince her it’s not sinful to do it with a Man of the Cloth. So he brands her a witch and she’s burned at the stake. This doesn’t seem to bother her as she’s making faces at the priest and playing with her hair as she’s being rotisserie’d.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

Thanks to the magic earrings she comes back the next day, clean as a whistle (but probably smelling a bit like burnt bacon). That’s all I could figure out. The young gal takes off her asbestos and you can see she has bikini tan lines, no doubt reflective of the earring’s mysterious powers.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders (1970) is way too arty for my low-brow leanings, but if you’re bored and wanna see chicks kiss each other on the mouth, knock yourself out.