That ’50s Giant Spider

Earth vs. The Spider

Earth vs. The Spider (1958) is classic ’50s giant bug movie, only this time they used a Hollywood spider instead of one of those stuffy off-Broadway insects.

Two teens in love (i.e., horny) wander into the Carlsbad Caverns and happen upon some human skeleton bones and trawler net-sized webbing to capture those needing their flesh removed. With all that love going on, it isn’t long before the giant spider within straps on the food bag. It comes out of hiding and makes a horrendous screeching and sci-fi sound, just like my vacuum cleaner when I try and suck up silverware/robot parts. Unfortunately, they escape unharmed.

Earth vs. The Spider

Informing the town’s sheriff who thinks the teens are hopped up on goofers (drugs and/or hormones), half the police department is sent to the cave and sees for themselves. Yep – giant spider, just like they hysterically indicated. Much running and screaming at this point. It’s decided to spray the eight-legged tank with some DDT. Personally, I would’ve opted for 700 gallons of Raid™, but hey, their town, their rules.

Earth vs. The Spider

The spider is thought to be killed after the hosing, so they get the bright idea to haul the carcass back to town and put it in the school’s gymnasium. How they got it through the doors only the principal can say.

Earth vs. The Spider

The students aren’t that impressed with a giant dead spider in their school and set about having a sock hop dance with a wild band playing what would later become hippie music. The crunchy grooves and gyrating pelvises wake up the spider and it’s time to do some grocery shopping.

Earth vs. The Spider

With much fanfare the spider makes its way back to the cave where officials (rednecks with guns) seal the arachnid hole with dynamite. Aw, geez – the same two teens are trapped inside with the beast, who by now has snack-man fever. (Hey kids, get a room, for crying out loud.)

Earth vs. The Spider

An easily implementable plan is devised to drill through the top of the caverns, snake long wires attached to a utility pole outside, get on either side of the spider with hand-held electrons and zap that multi-legged suck face, thereby rescuing the drill-seeking teenagers.

Earth vs. The Spider

Thankfully, someone had the sense to wear rubber gloves before turning on the juice, or Spidey would’ve had himself a nice char-broiled teen burger dinner. And the kids? Why, they became your parents. I thought you knew that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: