Vampire-Proof Earrings

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

A Czech artsy fartsy, fantasy/horror flick with vampires (so white as to be transparent), boobies (a fair sampling) and weasels. (One weasel, actually. How hard would it have been to add a few more, I ask?) But to get to the good stuff you have to sit through a story line so abstract as to break your brain.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

Back in the day when people took carriages instead of cabs, a 13 year-old girl is given enchanted earrings that keep her from harm. This is good because her grandmother, mom, dad and half the town are vampires.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

A local priest is hot for the young jailbait, but can’t seem to convince her it’s not sinful to do it with a Man of the Cloth. So he brands her a witch and she’s burned at the stake. This doesn’t seem to bother her as she’s making faces at the priest and playing with her hair as she’s being rotisserie’d.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

Thanks to the magic earrings she comes back the next day, clean as a whistle (but probably smelling a bit like burnt bacon). That’s all I could figure out. The young gal takes off her asbestos and you can see she has bikini tan lines, no doubt reflective of the earring’s mysterious powers.

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders

Valerie And Her Week of Wonders (1970) is way too arty for my low-brow leanings, but if you’re bored and wanna see chicks kiss each other on the mouth, knock yourself out.

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