Archive for November, 2013

Dirt-y Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on November 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unearthed

Something ate an entire Indian tribe 500 years ago. And it’s highly doubtful whatever did it flossed its teeth afterward. But that something has just been “unearthed” and is hungry again.

Unearthed

Way out in the desert an archaeologist with a tattooed face is tracking this “thing.” The town’s sheriff is a supermodel brunette whose drinking herself into the dirt because of an f’d up bust that resulted in a little girl’s death. And another supermodel Native American is a scientist who, with the help of a microscope, determines that the DNA of this “thing” has been eating people, plants and animals since the Jurassic Park days (the point in time, not the movie).

Unearthed

When the monster shows itself it’s a near photocopy of the Alien. Are there no other monster ideas out there? Movie makers are more than welcome to use me as an example after a night of drinking myself into the dirt.

Unearthed

Guns don’t stop that thing, but uranium might. Good thing in that really small desert town they have equipment handy to extract the radioactive ore, distill it, put it in a syringe and get close enough to the monster to inject it.

Unearthed

Most of the action in Unearthed (2007) is done in the dark and you can’t see who’s getting their guts opened for public display. This was probably to keep the creature from being seen in its plagiaristic glory so you’d watch the rest of the movie. But hey, if you wanna waste 93 minutes, that’s your call.

Halloween – Just In Time For Christmas

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trick or Treat

Decidedly evil (though recently deceased) rock star Sammi Curr speaks to a dysfunctional headbanger teen by means of your ordinary, run-of-the-mill back-masked heavy metal record. (Note to those who don’t know what a record album is: It’s like a plastic MP3 but with credits.)

Trick or Treat

Being dead, however, doesn’t keep hammy Sammi from playing a Halloween concert at the high school he graduated from for some Carrie-esque styled revenge in 1986’s blackened Trick or Treat.

Trick or Treat

Sammi looks like Poison’s CC Deville, who looks like Phyllis Diller, but with more crack, alcohol and eyeliner. KISSGene Simmons makes a cameo as does Ozzy Osbourne playing a preacher, denouncing heavy metal. (Note to organized religion: You’ve been punked.)

Trick or Treat

Titanic Failure

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Titanic II

Here’s a good idea: rebuild the chill-fated Titanic to spec, loudly proclaim nothing can sink it, then go on an ocean cruise that traces the original Titanic’s scenic route near whale-sized icebergs. That totally sounds like something I’d do while under the guidance of Budweiser™.

Titanic II

Thanks to global warming, glaciers are splitting off in Greenland and headed straight for cocktails in America. An incoming tsunami  that apparently no one saw coming throws the ice chunks right at U.S.S. Screwed Yet Again.

Titanic II

The rest of the movie has everyone trying to saves themselves, though I don’t know why. It’s not like they can realistically do a sequel with me as its star who saves everyone and gets all the chicks at the end.

Titanic II

The interior shots of this “state of the art” cruise liner has people going into the hold that looks like a ratty warehouse with peeling paint and leaking pipes. But then, that was the predestined fate of Titanic II (2010) – to boldly sink to new depths.

Car Insurance Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , on November 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stuck

Cute ’n second date worthy Brandi works in a retirement home and hoses down old guys who crap in their beds. Because she does this with a smile on her face (actually it’s more of a grimace), she’s up for promotion. That would mean handing out sh*t instead cleaning it up. Celebrating with a co-worker, she takes drugs. It’s hard to take pills without something to wash ’em down, so she chases it with numerous, yet delicious alcoholic beverages.

Stuck

Driving home later, she’s drunk and high and talking on the cell phone, and doesn’t notice 50-something Tom in the street. (He lost his job, his apartment and had nowhere to go except the middle of the road.) WHAMMO! He goes halfway through her windshield, his face lacerated, a windshield wiper perforating his abdomen, and his right leg sustaining a compound fracture, complete with exposed shinbone.

Stuck

Brandi tries dumping him off at a hospital, but freaks out and drives home into the garage, with Tom, barely alive, half in the passenger seat, the other half on the blood-smeared hood. And there he stays – for days.

Stuck

Tom’s predicament is excruciating to watch as he tries to free himself from the impalement. Then there’s that “loss of blood” thing going on. Stuck (2007), based on a true story I actually saw on the news, is not all serious black – there’s a scene with a little dog that’s both funny and sick. (I couldn’t help it, I LOL’d.) The ending, though, is a real windshield-smacker.

All of the above – twistedly awesome.

Zombie Rainbow

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone

Do you like intestines, stomach parts and/or limbs separated from their plug-ins? Then you’ll totally heart Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone (2001), an extreme gore gooshfest.

Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone

Zombies here come in all the colors of the Dutch Boy™ rainbow: vein blue, bile green, ripped rectum red, even seagull egg white. A med student who can’t figure out how to do exams with his finger, a nerd-boy who doesn’t know what a female boob is, and a pro wrestler unite to do battle with this colorful zombie plague that has overtaken their Argentinian (!) urban village.

Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone

But these brain-hungry zombies aren’t brainless – they’re being controlled by someone. The city has been cordoned off by the FBI, so it’s either have lunch or be lunched on. Along the way the pro wrestler employs the use of a ridiculously long intestine (that keeps farting) to trip up the zombie rappers, ninjas and poker players. (I don’t care what you say – fart jokes NEVER get old).

Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone

Another excellent scene: where Max (the wrestler) rips an arm off a presumably dead body and uses it like a nunchuck.

Outstanding gore – and buckets of it: Heads go split, flesh goes rip, torsos go splat, eyes go burst. This ain’t drama, it’s art. Sure, it looks like it was made with a mid-range priced Best Buy™ digital video camera. But this isn’t the time nor place for Hollywood.

Clowning Around With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , on November 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Circus of the Dead

Circuses and/or circus clowns are no strangers to horror movies, which I find to be an odd sub-genre given that a circus and subsequent clownage is supposed to bring joy and laughter, not die kill bleed.

The first such horror movie featuring circus-y stuff that gooned me out was Carnival of Souls (1962). That creepy dude who kept following the freaked out blonde chick gave me nightmares about blonde chicks for years.

But that’s sorta all behind me now. Ahem.

So a new themed horror movie being prepped for 2014 is titled Circus of the Dead. I like the title. Here’s more to like…

Circus of the Dead

“A man becomes entangled in a deadly morality game when the circus comes to town and a sadistic clown forces him in the most horrific ways to examine the things in life he takes for granted.”

I need to be careful here; the things in life I take for granted are toilet paper (for dabbing purposes and what not), my toaster (I just think those things are so darned neat) and air. I do not want a sadistic clown to take away any or all of those things from me. So to all clowns out there, I repent my wicked attitudes.

Japanese Rat Monster

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on November 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nezulla - The Rat Monster

In Japan, a U.S. co-funded attempt to create a super soldier accidentally creates the Bacillus Virus, which gives people hundreds of black sores on their faces. That these sores look like someone took a laundry marker and just made dots is not really the point.

Nezulla - The Rat Monster

Their experiments mutates a lab rat into a seven-foot tall lab rat monster with baby walrus-sized fangs and a red rubber face frozen in a roller coaster expression of “Aiyeeeeee!” Other distinguishing features include red eyes (to convey aggressive behavior), sharp claws (a way to open cans of rat food in case there’s no rat food opener handy), and a head that looks like sunburnt meatloaf (though it really does go with the whole fangs/claws ensemble). What looks to be a giant brain stuck on its back could indeed be plastic. My research is inconclusive at this time.

Nezulla - The Rat Monster

The scientists wanted to make a soldier who would be impervious to chemical warfare and germs, but they couldn’t make themselves impervious to Nezulla, the rat monster, who wants to chew the fat with each and every one of them locked in the containment facility.

Nezulla - The Rat Monster

A double agent is sent in to blow up the place, thereby eliminating any evidence that could link them back to the virus that’s gooning people out. Soldiers, speaking both Japanese and money-in-the-bank English, are systematically made null and void by Sunburnt Meatloaf Head. But Nez ain’t got time to mess around – when confronted with one soldier, he pushes him down! (That’ll teach ’em.)

Nezulla - The Rat Monster

Another soldier triggers an explosive device and shoves it deep Nezulla’s mouth, but forgets to extract his arm. Nezulla, doing what mutated rats do, bites the arm off. No time to savor it’s deliciousness as the bomb goes off and Nezulla, alas, is no more.

Nezulla - The Rat Monster

But this train wreck of a horror/sci-fi movie keeps going even after its star power has been finely minced. So face-scrunchingly bad is Nezulla – The Rat Monster (2002), it train wrecked my evening. OK, not really. But close.