Dirt-y Horror


Something ate an entire Indian tribe 500 years ago. And it’s highly doubtful whatever did it flossed its teeth afterward. But that something has just been “unearthed” and is hungry again.


Way out in the desert an archaeologist with a tattooed face is tracking this “thing.” The town’s sheriff is a supermodel brunette whose drinking herself into the dirt because of an f’d up bust that resulted in a little girl’s death. And another supermodel Native American is a scientist who, with the help of a microscope, determines that the DNA of this “thing” has been eating people, plants and animals since the Jurassic Park days (the point in time, not the movie).


When the monster shows itself it’s a near photocopy of the Alien. Are there no other monster ideas out there? Movie makers are more than welcome to use me as an example after a night of drinking myself into the dirt.


Guns don’t stop that thing, but uranium might. Good thing in that really small desert town they have equipment handy to extract the radioactive ore, distill it, put it in a syringe and get close enough to the monster to inject it.


Most of the action in Unearthed (2007) is done in the dark and you can’t see who’s getting their guts opened for public display. This was probably to keep the creature from being seen in its plagiaristic glory so you’d watch the rest of the movie. But hey, if you wanna waste 93 minutes, that’s your call.

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