Human Seafood


Richard Harris (the first DumbledoreAlbus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, to be g*ddamn exact) plays Nolan, a barnacled sea captain who is offered many sand dollars if he can capture a great white shark for a big time aquarium. Don’t forget to pack the Band-Aids™ and tourniquets, pal.


Not knowing the difference between a shark and an orca, Nolan and his crew harpoon a female killer whale. As she’s being pulled out of the sea, she miscarriages all over the place. I was completely unaware she was pregnant, let alone married or living in sea sin.


Before the crew can haul her back to the aquarium, her mate comes to the rescue and pounds the living crap out of the fishing vessel. The decision is made to cut the female loose, which they wisely do. But the male orca is not done with them yet and eats one of the sailors. (He probably smelled enough like fish to be considered edible.)


Nolan is super unhappy about this and now it becomes a sea foam-y grudge match. Rather than stay onshore where the orca can’t ever get him, Nolan unwisely decides to go after the maddened whale. Ha – that’s all part of the orca’s plan as he leads them north to cold and icy water. (He got this idea from his good buddy, Frankenstein’s monster.)


A showdown on an iceberg clearly puts the ball in orcas’ court, wherein it gets a hold of Nolan and flings his harpoon-happy ass onto the ice. They don’t call him a killer whale for nothing. The scene where Nolan slowly slides into the water is classic – he looks like a frozen Otter Pop™ with facial hair.


If anything Orca (aka, Orca: The Killer Whale/1977) confirms my lifelong theory that you shouldn’t piss of anything with the word “killer” in its name.

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