Archive for October, 2013

A Ghost You Can’t Bust

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on October 23, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Asphyx

In the oddly titled The Asphyx (1973), Sir Hugo Cunningham, a turn-of-the-Century science dude, stumbles across a curious phenomenon. Having invented a motion picture camera, he films a hanging execution of a criminal. (Fun to run in reverse.) During the playback notices a small, fart-like, black smudge zooming into the condemned man right before the trap doors put an end to his wrong-filled life. (Fart-like is such a handy phrase.)

The Asphyx

Later, Hugo and his family go row boating on the lake without life preservers. That no one knew how to swim is none of your business. While filming the accidental drowning of his son and his wife, he later plays back the footage and notices that same dark smudge fly across the frame and go into his son as he was about to swallow lake. He deduces this to be the Asphyx (pronounced, “ass fix”), a death spirit.

The Asphyx

This gives Hugo a bright idea – to see if he can capture his own death spirit by tricking it into thinking he’s about to die. Hugo manages to succeed in a grim sequence that will make your pants bunch up around your puckered lower orifice. It’ll also cause a fart-like stain and/or noise down there.

The Asphyx

More experiments with remaining family members, which ends in a few “oops” moments. Anguished at the oops of his entire family, Hugo tries to take his own life – but it’s not working. With his Asphyx successfully stuck in a bottle, Hugo can’t die. Harshness abounds.

The Asphyx, which looks like a glow-in-the-dark version of Slimer from Ghostbusters (1984), is a cheesy special effect. Still, he sure is a cute little fellow. I wonder if you can get your picture taken with him without croaking?

A Bloody Good Read

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Book of Blood

Mary Florescu, a 40-something paranormal professor and published author, along with her ghost hunter sidekick Reggie, are investigating a mysterious spooky house where several ritual murders have occurred.

Book of Blood

There are mysterious spooky warnings scribbled all over the walls: “Do Not Mock Us.” The penmanship left a little to be desired, but the message was clear – don’t mess with us ghosts.

Enter Simon McNeal, a morose young student and clairvoyant, who is hired to spend a few nights in the haunted house to help solve the mystery. Simon, turns out, is less of a clairvoyant than I am. (OK, I’m not clairvoyant. BUT I WANT TO BE.)

Book of Blood

He fakes a string of ghostly events that convinces Mary he’s the real deal. But Simon underestimated the real ghosts living in the house, which happens to be an intersection for the dead.

Book of Blood

While he may have staged the earlier visitations, the one last night was unfortunately real. Soon it’s a poltergeist jamboree with the walls in Simon’s room fading away to reveal the after-life, with thousands of ghosts with stories to tell, lining up to autograph/carve Simon’s body while he lays there screaming. That’ll teach him.

Book of Blood

Clive Barker’s Book of Blood (2009) doesn’t have as much blood as the title advertises, though there is one face-ripping, six schoolgirl skeletons dancing in a fountain, and 150,000 (give or take) dead souls with poor writing skills.

Craptacular Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , on October 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood of the Werewolf

Blood of the Werewolf (2001) is a trio of zero-budget tales, each involving a werewolf and each sucking harder than the one before it.

You know you ordered a turd sandwich with all the trimmings when the first scene opens and it’s the director’s friends as your “actors” and the music soundtrack is the band that rehearses in the garage next door.

Blood of the Werewolf

The werewolves (and I use the term loosely) look like they were made of wet clay and dog hair sweepings. The dialogue appears to have been written by a comatose patient on life support. And how dare you put two lesbians in a movie and not have them rub each other?

As punishment, those involved with this crap-o-rama should be forced to watch it for all eternity.

Don’t Open That Door – There’s Evil Behind It

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beyond The Door

A puke-face rip-off of The Exorcist (1973) made so quick, moviegoers hadn’t finished their split-pea soup yet.

The Italian made Beyond The Door, released in 1974, finds a pregnant chick in San Francisco getting ready to give birth to Satan’s offspring. (I didn’t know they were dating, let alone getting that serious so early on in their relationship.)

Beyond The Door

When Jessica Barrett’s ex-boyfriend Richard finds out, he proves how much of a wuss he is by coming to help her through this difficult time. As she gets double pregnant, she becomes double possessed, a condition that includes (but not limited to) profusely swearing in ancient languages, rotating cranium, throwing up gallons of split-pea soup, enunciating in demonic timbres, and making stink.

Beyond The Door

Curiously, Richard isn’t fazed by any of this. In fact, that double-crossing turd is a devil-worshipper in his spare time and wants to take the baby and sacrifice it, thereby being rewarded with evil coupons, which can be redeemed at any location when you go to HELL. (Uh, he’ll actually be rewarded with extra life points. I just get carried away sometimes.)

Beyond The Door

Throughout the proceedings, Richard is taunted by a demonic voice every five minutes, which is so annoying as to be inconsiderate. (Demons can be ridiculously rude.) And the ending? It was over before it started.

Godzilla’s Revenge

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla's Revenge

Godzilla’s Revenge is also known as All Monsters Attack. Despite which title is used, this stinker, featuring a whole pile of Godzilla foe rejects, plays more like an after-school special than a giant monster blood orgy.

Godzilla's Revenge

A fat little kid is being bullied by other kids. He escapes his cowardice shame by dreaming of Monster Island, where Godzilla lives with Minilla, his dorky son (also sometimes known as, “Minya”).

Godzilla's Revenge

It’s here Godzilla faces off against Anguirus (giant porcupine), Manda (giant snake), Ebirah (giant lobster), Gorosaurus (giant dinosaur), Kamacuras (giant praying mantis), Kumonga (giant spider) and Gabara (giant Cindi Lauper with boils). There’s also a giant vulture, whom I call Beakah. (It’s a placeholder name until someone informs me otherwise.)

A few of the featured monsters just wander listlessly into the movie and don’t get their eviction notices handed to ’em by Godzilla. I haven’t seen padding like this since Jr. High School.

Godzilla's Revenge

There’s more rubber clothes here than a fetish factory. And the action, sometimes borrowing from other G-films, is as weak as Minilla’s radioactive breath. Godzilla sunk to a record low point in his career with this 1969 used enema bag.

The Abominable Snowman Is A Bear? Seriously?

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abominable Snowman

This sucks AND blows.

A human ancestry scientist is all over the news, bragging his credentials off by telling the world he can prove the Abominable Snowman was/is really a bear. That’s just dandy; he has no proof other than supposition, whereas arguments to the contrary include tons of movies, books, cartoons, blurry YouTube™ videos, novelty T-shirts, toys, shampoo bottles and even themed hamburgers to refute his refution. Clearly, this man is a quack.

Abominable Snowman

So NBC.com reports that after a yearlong quest, “Oxford University’s Bryan Sykes, a British geneticist, says he has matched the DNA from hairs attributed to Himalayan Yetis, also known as “Abominable Snowmen,” to a breed of Arctic bear that lived tens of thousands of years ago. Other researchers say that might be as good an explanation as any.”

Abominable Snowman

Are you kidding me? What’s to explain – one billion Himalayans will swear upon a stack of handmade rugs that the creature roaming the region of Nepal and Tibet is a super tall ape-like cryptid that lives off highly nutritious snow, indigenous to that part of the world. And the key word here is “ape-like.” Not “bear-like” or even “bear-esque.”

So what does all of this prove? That a degree from Oxford University isn’t worth the handmade rug it’s printed on.

Devil On Demand

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Devil's Due

Geez, the Devil is a busy gal. Besides constantly putting really fun ideas in my head, the Ultimate Evil Entity, despite being as fictional as her counterpart, is in big demand these days as a horror movie subject, the latest being Here Comes The Devil (documented in the blog posting before this one) and now with Devil’s Due, a new spooky horror flick due out January 17, 2014, which is 93 days from now. (Man, I love math – it’s so occasionally useful.)

Devil’s Due press release: “After a mysterious, lost night on their honeymoon, a newlywed couple finds themselves dealing with an earlier-than-planned pregnancy. While recording everything for posterity, the husband begins to notice odd behavior in his wife that they initially write off to nerves, but, as the months pass, it becomes evident that the dark changes to her body and mind have a much more sinister origin.”

Dark changes to her mind and body. No doubt she shotguns Jagermeister™.

Devil's Due

Devil’s Due should not be confused with the 1973 pornographical movie of the same title. In that one a young girl fleeing an abusive home life arrives in New York City and becomes involved in a satanic cult. She conspires with the cult leader’s two lesbian assistants to take over the coven. Marketing bonus: There’s LOTS of up close naked stuff.

Devil's Due

Also, don’t confuse either with erotic romance novels (stories without pictures) sporting the same title as well. As I’ve said before, books are for people who don’t have TVs.