Archive for October, 2013

Don’t Open That Door – There’s Evil Behind It

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beyond The Door

A puke-face rip-off of The Exorcist (1973) made so quick, moviegoers hadn’t finished their split-pea soup yet.

The Italian made Beyond The Door, released in 1974, finds a pregnant chick in San Francisco getting ready to give birth to Satan’s offspring. (I didn’t know they were dating, let alone getting that serious so early on in their relationship.)

Beyond The Door

When Jessica Barrett’s ex-boyfriend Richard finds out, he proves how much of a wuss he is by coming to help her through this difficult time. As she gets double pregnant, she becomes double possessed, a condition that includes (but not limited to) profusely swearing in ancient languages, rotating cranium, throwing up gallons of split-pea soup, enunciating in demonic timbres, and making stink.

Beyond The Door

Curiously, Richard isn’t fazed by any of this. In fact, that double-crossing turd is a devil-worshipper in his spare time and wants to take the baby and sacrifice it, thereby being rewarded with evil coupons, which can be redeemed at any location when you go to HELL. (Uh, he’ll actually be rewarded with extra life points. I just get carried away sometimes.)

Beyond The Door

Throughout the proceedings, Richard is taunted by a demonic voice every five minutes, which is so annoying as to be inconsiderate. (Demons can be ridiculously rude.) And the ending? It was over before it started.

Godzilla’s Revenge

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla's Revenge

Godzilla’s Revenge is also known as All Monsters Attack. Despite which title is used, this stinker, featuring a whole pile of Godzilla foe rejects, plays more like an after-school special than a giant monster blood orgy.

Godzilla's Revenge

A fat little kid is being bullied by other kids. He escapes his cowardice shame by dreaming of Monster Island, where Godzilla lives with Minilla, his dorky son (also sometimes known as, “Minya”).

Godzilla's Revenge

It’s here Godzilla faces off against Anguirus (giant porcupine), Manda (giant snake), Ebirah (giant lobster), Gorosaurus (giant dinosaur), Kamacuras (giant praying mantis), Kumonga (giant spider) and Gabara (giant Cindi Lauper with boils). There’s also a giant vulture, whom I call Beakah. (It’s a placeholder name until someone informs me otherwise.)

A few of the featured monsters just wander listlessly into the movie and don’t get their eviction notices handed to ’em by Godzilla. I haven’t seen padding like this since Jr. High School.

Godzilla's Revenge

There’s more rubber clothes here than a fetish factory. And the action, sometimes borrowing from other G-films, is as weak as Minilla’s radioactive breath. Godzilla sunk to a record low point in his career with this 1969 used enema bag.

The Abominable Snowman Is A Bear? Seriously?

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abominable Snowman

This sucks AND blows.

A human ancestry scientist is all over the news, bragging his credentials off by telling the world he can prove the Abominable Snowman was/is really a bear. That’s just dandy; he has no proof other than supposition, whereas arguments to the contrary include tons of movies, books, cartoons, blurry YouTube™ videos, novelty T-shirts, toys, shampoo bottles and even themed hamburgers to refute his refution. Clearly, this man is a quack.

Abominable Snowman

So NBC.com reports that after a yearlong quest, “Oxford University’s Bryan Sykes, a British geneticist, says he has matched the DNA from hairs attributed to Himalayan Yetis, also known as “Abominable Snowmen,” to a breed of Arctic bear that lived tens of thousands of years ago. Other researchers say that might be as good an explanation as any.”

Abominable Snowman

Are you kidding me? What’s to explain – one billion Himalayans will swear upon a stack of handmade rugs that the creature roaming the region of Nepal and Tibet is a super tall ape-like cryptid that lives off highly nutritious snow, indigenous to that part of the world. And the key word here is “ape-like.” Not “bear-like” or even “bear-esque.”

So what does all of this prove? That a degree from Oxford University isn’t worth the handmade rug it’s printed on.

Devil On Demand

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Devil's Due

Geez, the Devil is a busy gal. Besides constantly putting really fun ideas in my head, the Ultimate Evil Entity, despite being as fictional as her counterpart, is in big demand these days as a horror movie subject, the latest being Here Comes The Devil (documented in the blog posting before this one) and now with Devil’s Due, a new spooky horror flick due out January 17, 2014, which is 93 days from now. (Man, I love math – it’s so occasionally useful.)

Devil’s Due press release: “After a mysterious, lost night on their honeymoon, a newlywed couple finds themselves dealing with an earlier-than-planned pregnancy. While recording everything for posterity, the husband begins to notice odd behavior in his wife that they initially write off to nerves, but, as the months pass, it becomes evident that the dark changes to her body and mind have a much more sinister origin.”

Dark changes to her mind and body. No doubt she shotguns Jagermeister™.

Devil's Due

Devil’s Due should not be confused with the 1973 pornographical movie of the same title. In that one a young girl fleeing an abusive home life arrives in New York City and becomes involved in a satanic cult. She conspires with the cult leader’s two lesbian assistants to take over the coven. Marketing bonus: There’s LOTS of up close naked stuff.

Devil's Due

Also, don’t confuse either with erotic romance novels (stories without pictures) sporting the same title as well. As I’ve said before, books are for people who don’t have TVs.

Here Comes D’evil

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , on October 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Here Comes The Devil

Here Comes The Devil, a new horror indie made a year or so ago and finally releasing December 2013, cuts right to chase. No special guest, no opening act, just straight to the headliner. So I’m wondering why they just didn’t call it, An Evening With The Devil?

HCTD (aka, Ahí va el diablo) is said to combine modern indie filmmaking and storytelling with a hint of ’70s-styled psychological horror that “may not just be psychological.” A nice hook, although you’d first have to be familiar with ’70s-styled psychological horror. (Not only am I intimate with it, I practically invented psychological horror – just ask my baby-sitter). And the phrase “horror that may not just be psychological” could be the new buzzword to replace “based on true events.”

Here Comes The Devil

Let’s examine the plot in excruciating detail: “Felix and Sol, whose preteen son and daughter inexplicably reappear after being lost overnight on a desolate, cave-riddled mountainside after a casual hike, became every parent’s nightmare.”

“The good luck and good fortune of their return soon changes, as the children’s behavior suggests ominous and unspeakable events the night the children were lost that continue even now.”

Here Comes The Devil

The press release goes on to word barf ancient and half-whispered legends around the caves and the mountain, blah, blah, blah. But I cite the precedent of Jack and Jill, who, benignly enough, went up the hill (or “mountain”) to “get a pail of water.” Clearly, a ’70s metaphor for worshipping demonic entities. (Told you I was an expert.) You could say J&J might have just been thirsty. Yeah, thirsty for EVIL.

So the kids in Here Comes The Devil are possessed by the movie’s title and they misbehave, won’t eat their peas and refuse to clean their rooms. Sounds like every kid in the world. And me.

Space Face vs. Space Face

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

Picking up where AVP (2004) left off, we see the Alien bursting out of the chest of a fallen Predator being hauled back to its planet in a now “getting-outta-Dodge” spaceship. A squishy moment. But having an unsupervised Alien onboard makes it a little tough to fly the ship, mostly because it’s growing as fast as if it ate a big bowl of Space Cheerios™.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

The ship crashes back to Earth, but not before another Predator gets a distress signal off. By the time the big boss Predator gets the message, the Alien – now a gnarly hybrid due to mixing genes with Predator – is going through humans as though they were bags of Space Cheetos™.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

This Predalien is infecting Earth humans with more Aliens, so the Big Predator better get his ass here quick. By the time he arrives, there’s Aliens running all over the small mountain town like they were delivering newspapers. And speaking of delivering, the scene where an Alien gets into the local hospital’s maternity ward is just so wrong. Cool, yet wrong.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

When the Predalien and the Predator lock up, it’s freakin’ brutal. Best to stay out of their way and let them settle their differences. Of course, some people thought it was OK to do the opposite of what I just said. I’ll call them lasagne with shoes and extra sauce.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

The ending of Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) sets up AVP: 3 and is a bit bewildering, though after repeated viewings becomes clear. But only if you’ve seen AVP. Which I have. Numerous times. Like infecting Earth, it’s what I do.

My Dinner With Sasquatch

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , on October 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Feed The Gods

With production started in May, 2012, Feed The Gods, a new black comedy horror indie, is still in production as of this e-enunciating. The reason I’m impatient for the filmmakers to finish this movie is because it’s about Sasquatch, who is not only one of the world’s greatest and most iconic cryptids, but my BFF (Big-Footed Friend).

This cinematic endeavor thows it out there short ’n sweet: “Feed The Gods follows two brothers in search of their long lost parents. The quest leads them to Tendale – a town that has a taste for tourists…”

Feed The Gods

Right there they give it away. Either the townsfolk round up vacationing snacks to sacrifice to Bigfoot so he won’t chow down on them, or the furry outdoorsman just lies in wait for the human lunch bell to ring, or all of the townsfolk are Bigfeet and the fur flies when they get hungry. However you chew it, win/win for me.

I wish I could be in this movie with Bigfoot. That’s all I want in this world, nothing else. They could pay me in beer – and people pot roast. Hey, I need to immerse myself in the role to make it real. I’m a pro that way.

Multi-lingual Parasite

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Parasite X

I am SO confused. More so than usual, it seems. The French horror/sci-fi thrill-a-second Dead Shadows (2012) with English sub-titles is being released in Japan as Parasite X. And the movie over-borrows like Congress from the Canadian zombie horror moving picture show Rabid (1977).

Since everybody’s sticking their weenie in the campfire, I’m gonna release it myself in Antarctica with Taiwan subtitles under the name of Icky Body Worms, with all profits being donated to ME.

Dead Shadows

Dead Shadows/Parasite X/Icky Body Worms goes a little something like this: “Tonight, a new comet is going to appear and everyone in an apartment building are getting ready for a party to celebrate the event. There’s even an apocalypse theory going around. As the night falls, Chris starts to discover that people are acting strange – and it seems to somehow be connected to the comet.

People are becoming disoriented and violent and it doesn’t take long before they start mutating into something from beyond this world. In a fight for survival, Chris has to try to escape from his building with the help from some other tenants – but will they make it out alive?”

Rabid

My hope is that no one makes it out of the building alive. Cynical, I know. But I don’t watch horror movies for happy endings. I go to a massage parlor for that. You know, to help me get rid of my…ICKY BODY WORMS.

Now THAT’S product placement.

Upper Education for Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Academy

A dhampir is a half-vampire and half-human. Did not know that. But it begs the question – which half is which? Personally, I’d rather have a vampire face and a human butt. If it was the reverse, then guess what you’d have to bite in order to feed? Eeewww!

In Vampire Academy, a 2014 upcoming horror movie that looks like it owes more to the Gap™ than Bram Stoker, a supermodel dhampir attends St. Vladimir’s Academy to train on how to be a guardian. (What – Home Ec no longer in the criteria?)

Apparently there are good and bad vampires in their world: Moroi, who coexist peacefully among the humans and only take blood from donors, and also possess the ability to control one of the four elements – water, earth, fire or air; and Strigoi, blood-sucking, evil vampires who drink to kill.

I wish I could control the four elements. It’d be nice to summon fresh air if someone nearby farts in your general direction. And you could light their flatulence on fire and teach them not to be so rude. You could even command water to put out the flames after you made your point. I sure as heck wouldn’t.

Vampire Academy

So according to Vampire Academy’s press release, Rose (the main supermodel) and “other dhampir guardians are trained to protect Moroi and kill Strigoi throughout their education. Along with her best friend Princess Vasilisa Dragomir, a Moroi in possession of the almost unheard of element called spirit that forged a nigh unbreakable bond, Rose must run away from St. Vladimir’s, in order to protect Lissa from those who wish to harm the princess and use her for their own means.”

Say it ain’t so. Someone please tell me Rose and Princess Vasilisa (call her “Lissa”) will be OK. Any other outcome would just crush my emo soul. If Rose isn’t enough to die for, her shoes certainly are.

I really need to lay off the estrogen.

Vamp U

P.S. Vampire Academy should not be confused with the similar, albeit boneheaded Vamp U (2013), which involves a 300 year-old impotent vampire who teaches college history and discovers one of his female students is a dead ringer for his girlfriend, whom he accidentally killed all those unhappy centuries ago. Suddenly, the stake is working again and sexy hijinks ensues. Yawn.

It’s Only Skin…

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on October 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Anatomy

Anatomy (2000) is a delightfully grisly flick from Germany that, quite thankfully, has nothing to do with bathroom leftovers.

Anatomy

There exists a secret cult of medical type doctors who, after centuries of frustration due to constricting ethics and morals, finally say screw all that goody goody stuff and practice their craft…on the living.

Anatomy

The Anti-Hypocratic Oath-ers (aka “Republicans”) discover a chemical that turns human blood to rubber, keeping the patient alive while they dissect, carve, fold, spindle and mutilate the reluctant donors. You should see the look on the victims’ faces when they get to watch their own autopsy. It’s the same look you get when the gum doesn’t come out of the gum ball machine.

AnatomyAn inquisitive female medical student gets medical wind the cult and sets out to expose them. Her roommate – a tremendously busty (and overtly horny) blonde with an IQ 50 points higher than everybody else – has the type of anatomy she’s willing to let all the male students examine. Along the way, she gets rubber-blooded, and ultimately turned into interactive nude art in the school’s show room. (The irony being her bod was already interactive, if you get my drift.)

Anatomy

Anatomy (there’s a sequel, too), is gruesome with just enough gore, guts, and hi-jink sexcapades to make you wanna consider a career in medical research.