Archive for September, 2013

UFO Farm

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on September 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skinwalker Ranch

Skinwalker Ranch (releasing October 30, 2013) is a sci-fi movie about a farm out in the middle of Dirt, Utah that’s home to cows, probably a pointy pitchfork, a tractor that gets two miles to the gallon, and dirt. It’s also a supernatural hotspot and may be the force responsible for the vanishing of a cattle rancher’s 10 year-old son. (That, or he fell down the well and Lassie, tired of that sh*t, just walked away.)

Skinwalker Ranch

Skinwalker Ranch, by the way, is a real place with real UFO activity. But in those parts, they call it Sherman Ranch in Utah. I like Skinwalker Ranch because it just sounds way cool. Note to the nearly one million non-readers of this blog: there is also a werewolf movie called Skinwalkers (2002). I don’t think the werewolves live on farms, though. More likely a downtown condo with quick ‘n easy access to human groceries.

Skinwalker Ranch

So SW-R is inspired by TRUE events that shocked paranormal communities around the world. A scientific team (they rarely travel alone as they need constant validation), investigates the kid’s disappearance. (Note to lab coats – check the well.) If he’s not in the well, I bet his abduction has something to do with those dangly things hanging under cows. Those weirdo appendages have to be of extraterrestrial origin.

I bet they’re bio communication antennas, which might explain why my cereal tastes a bit odd sometimes.

Mars: Closed For The Season

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Days on Mars

Mars is the fourth planet from the Sun. This is true; I counted. It’s also the second smallest planet in our solar system. (Unable to fact check this.) Mars is also referred to as the “Red Planet” because it looks red. Good call, NASA. (Note: The red color, it is theorized by me, comes from the yeast additive to George Killian’s Irish Red, where the orange-y beer is brewed. Cheaper overhead on Mars.)

Mars

The reason I bring this up is that there is a new sci-fi movie coming out called The Last Days on Mars. The story line revolves around a rocket booze cruise to the Irish red planet. Too much partying and scientific experimenting happens and the next thing you know, Martians Gone Wild videos are showing up on the Internet and hilarity ensues.

The Last Days of Mars

As good as that is, it’s not the real plot. This is: An astronaut crew on Mars is on the verge of a major breakthrough, having collected rock specimens that reveal microscopic evidence of life.

In their last hours on the planet, two astronauts go back to a cavernous valley on the surface of Mars to collect further evidence for their discovery, but a routine excavation turns deadly when one of them falls to his death and his body is taken as a host and re-animated by the very life form they sought to discover.

Sounds a heckuva lot like Apollo 18 (2011). But hey, I’m always up for an alien throw down.

Apollo 18

The Last Days on Mars releases to most popular viewable formats on Halloween, 2013 and then – in case you reject technology – to movie theatres on December 6, 2013. Seems pointless to do that as you’ll be able to get a bootleg of it about 30 seconds after it hits VOD. (It won’t be me as I don’t know how to do that. I reject technology.)

Ghosts That Give You Static Pt. 2

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on September 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White Noise 2: The Light

After having his wife and young son gunned down in front of him while having breakfast in a restaurant (that’s one way of getting out of paying the bill), Abe Dale decides he can’t take the grief after three months and kills himself (booze and pills, not necessarily in that order).

Technically he kills himself. He goes through the dark tunnel with the light at the end (kinda like what a gopher might see waking up on a sunny spring morn) and his dead wife and as equally dead kid are waiting there to greet him. That’s so nice.

White Noise 2: The Light

But thanks to electricity, specifically resuscitation paddles, the doctors are able to bring him back. But Abe is changed: He can see an aura-like light coming out of people about to die. The stronger the light, the sooner they’ll kick the bucket like a soccer ball. Being a good guy, he decides to save them.

White Noise 2: The Light

It works: an old fart about to be run over by a car, a street fight that almost had another guy being tossed off a highway overpass, the cute nurse who waited on him in the hospital (she was in the process of being mugged in the parking garage).

White Noise 2: The Light

Yep, ’ol Abe is a hero now. But there are consequences to interrupting the flow of death. These people were supposed to die. By being Mr. Rescue, he’s paved the way for them to cause even more deaths (i.e., the old fart plows his van into a crowded bus stop). But it gets way more f’d up, and I mean that in a good way. There are several non-predictable, nasty twists that will have you going, “No freakin’ way, man – that is SO messed up!” One scene in particular – in a hotel lobby – is harshly awesome.

White Noise 2: The Light

White Noise 2: The Light (2007) takes its foot off the gas a bit at the end, but that’s small breakfast servings with a side of ammunition as it totally smokes White Noise (2005, sequel by name only.) You’ll have to use your brain on this one, which I was not used to doing. I have to take aspirin as my head always hurts when I think.

Ghosts That Give You Static

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White Noise

Jonathan Rivers’ (played by Michael Keaton/Batman) new wife gets suspiciously killed right after she tells him she’s pregnant. All consuming grief ensues. Soon thereafter a fat guy comes to Rivers and tells him the deceased wife has been trying to make contact via white noise. (That’s the sound that comes out of most loud women’s mouths).

The man, like me, is an expert on EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), meaning that when a TV channel is set to one of those stations that isn’t broadcasting a televised signal, voices and even images can be heard and seen in MTV-edit snippets.

White Noise

Recorded and freeze-framed, sure enough, Rivers’ wife pops up for a second with a message Jonathan can’t decipher. Her hair looks nice, though. So he buys a bunch of electronic equipment, a bunch of TV sets and recorders and does nothing but sit mindlessly in front of the tube all day. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

White Noise

Soon, more communications from beyond start coming through. But not all of them are from nice ghosts. There are three gnarly dead things (probably Republicans) that are making people do stuff they more than likely wouldn’t do, like swan dive off of hi-rise apartment balconies.

White Noise

Rivers has to start assembling clues given by his dead wife’s transmissions and sets out to rescue somebody she keeps urging him to save. (She probably told him to take out the trash as well, but that’s in the director’s cut.)

White Noise

White Noise (2005) feels like an extended X-Files episode and kinda starts to go into cool spooky areas. But the last 15 minutes swamp the boat, with the evil trio, commanding a serial killer to do their bidding (the same killer who did in Rivers’ wife), pop out and do a second-rate goofy Casper routine.

Even if you haven’t seen White Noise, you already know how this ultimately ends. And all we’re left with is a bunch of static.

An Independent Giant Reptile Monster

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on September 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster Movie

In the cleverly named and independently filmed Monster Movie (2008, and with a budget big enough to get an order of fries with it), a group of fat hicks decide to go to a cabin on a lake where it was reported a giant reptile monster was lurking about. Thinking this might be a chance for one of them to finally score a date, they take their video camera along to document.

Monster Movie

What follows is 60 excruciating minutes of fat guys hanging out and talking. The monster shows up and whaddaya know – it’s a plastic toy being waved around in front of the camera. Well heck, dudes – run! The men – and I use the term loosely – take off, with the toy in hot pursuit. They run all through the night and make it back to the cabin just in time for lunch.

I thought there were laws about letting fat hicks have cameras.

Board With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , on September 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Am Zozo

The horror movie I Am Zozo, a story about a Ouija board gone wild, releases to VOD, DVD, OMG, LOL and more importantly, WTF, on November 19, 2013. Besides sporting a title that sounds like a dumb internet start-up, I Am Zozo also has a plot that’s been used so many times, they teach it in pre-school. (The Ouija board has been featured as a main plot device and/or cameo in 40 plus horror movies, beginning with The Uninvited in 1944 and more recently in The Devil’s Playthings (2013).

Ouija

Horror academic lesson: The Ouija board (pronounced “wee-jee”) is also known as a spirit board or talking board, is a flat board marked with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0-9, the words “yes”, “no”, “hello” (occasionally), and “goodbye”, along with various symbols and graphics. It uses a planchette (small heart-shaped piece of wood) or movable indicator to indicate the spirit’s message by spelling it out on the board during a séance. Participants place their fingers on the planchette, and it is moved about the board to spell out words.

You can talk to the deceased and or demonic entities with the Ouija board, which comes in a glow-in-the-dark version for $19.99 on Amazon.com™. (If only farts could glow in the dark.)

Ouija

I Am Zozo, predictably enough, concerns five teens on Halloween night who decide to liven up their party with some innocent fun: by summoning the spirits. At first, it’s all nervous laughter and scoffing. Then, the night takes a sinister turn: the board reveals truths, exposes secrets it cannot possibly know, and triggers inexplicable events within the darkened house.

Ouija

As the session continues, an entity reveals itself: Zozo. And as the terrified teens are about to discover, once you make contact with this ancient, demonic force, you’re no longer playing a game…the game is playing you. A pulse-pounding, edge-of-your-seat supernatural thriller based on multiple reports of spirit board encounters with this savagely malicious spirit.

Ouija

Even the marketing buzzwords are stock: “pulse-pounding,” “edge-of-your-seat.” Heck, that describes practically every toilet in the world. An apt correlation as I consulted my own Ouija board (it looks a lot like a paper plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it), asking it if I should watch I Am Zozo. The answer: “Not unless you want to waste 90 minutes that could better be spent drinking.”

Wise is my Ouija board.

Sci-Fi Amtrak

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snowpiercer

An advance sneaky peek at the upcoming futuristic sci-fi thriller Snowpiercer, courtesy of the French, all of whom I probably owe francs to. (Money, not hot dogs.)

Big expectations surround Snowpiercer, a cautionary tale of global warming and future violence as it pertains to my personal entertainment. Bong Joon-ho, the South Korean filmmaker behind the superior giant monster movie The Host (2006), is helming this one. Makes perfect sense that a Korean director would be making an English sub-titled sci-fi movie based on a French graphic novel that no one can read except the French.

Snowpiercer

Based on Le Transperceneige, the F.G.N. (figure it out), Snowpiercer is “set in a future where, after a failed experiment to stop global warming, an Ice Age kills off all life on the planet except for the inhabitants of the Snow Piercer, a train that travels around the globe and is powered by a sacred perpetual-motion engine. A class system evolves on the train but a revolution brews.”

Snowpiercer

Curse my sub-standard language interpretation skills – I could have sworn Snowpiercer was a story about a vigilante hunter of vampire snowmen/women, a sort of Van Helsing in stylish ski wear. But a future choo-choo works for me just as well.

Snowpiercer comes out sometime in le future.

Heritage Flesh Eaters Makeover

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on September 10, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

This 1990 remake of the classic Night of the Living Dead was helmed by special effects horror maestro, Tom Savini. Must’ve been like shooting fish in a barrel for him as the story was all laid out – all he had to do was make it more gory (which he did in spades), more violent (ditto) and thereby more cool (um, kinda).

Night of the Living Dead

For some reason, though, the 1968 version was more shocking and stomach upsetting (the zombies that ate human flesh in the original didn’t use napkins and they took seconds without asking).

Night of the Living Dead

The same premise of people boarding themselves inside a rural farmhouse to fend off the undead frames the unrelenting eat-a-thon, which oddly enough is where it doesn’t work.

Night of the Living Dead

A near note-for-note re-telling – other than super graphic flesh-eating in color (the original was in black and white) – nothing new is brought to the dinner table. The human condition falls apart under the strain, counterpoints ensue and the zombies merely wait for their cue to get chopped, hacked, bullet-holed and burned.

While the flesh consumption scenes were tastefully (sorry) executed (sorry), I just thought there’d be more flavor. (Sorry).

Heritage Flesh Eaters

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , on September 9, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

Released in 1968 and filmed in glorious black and white, Night of the Living Dead is the Holy Grail of zombie movies, spawning one billion flesh-eating flicks, including its own meaty sequels.

It’s theorized that a satellite returning from spring break on Venus brought back the virus that reanimates the dead. NASA: “Don’t look at us, we didn’t do it.” As the recently deceased return to life, they’re hungry and want to eat your skin, probably because it’s flavorful and loaded with vitamins.

Night of the Living Dead

A small group of uneaten people end up in a farmhouse, barricade themselves in and have lots of arguments about which would be better: to die in the basement or die in the attic. (I’d prefer the kitchen as the refrigerator therein offers a chance for a final redemptive beer.)

Night of the Living Dead

The omnipresent threat of having your pants eaten from the inside out by the undead nearly pales in comparison to the fact that we, as humans, turn into arguing, screaming, crying idiots under stress. I blame non-alcoholic beer and romantic comedies for turning us into wussies.

Night of the Living Dead

The scene where two teens get eaten by zombies is legendary and wonderfully explicit for a movie made all those conservative years ago. Mind you, while ’60s zombies usually favor sushi flesh, fire-roasted teens still make for a tummy-filling snack. When I turn into a zombie I’ll have to try some.

Hippie Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bad Vibes

Bad Vibes is an upcoming horror movie about hippie werewolves. There’s at least one thing wrong with that sentence.

Regardless of my enduring distaste for that particular brand of stinky subculture, when you think about it, werewolves would make suitable hippies. Hairy, unwashed, covered in fleas, untrimmed facial hair, an expressive love for nature and fellow man. OK, maybe not that last one. But hey, werewolf hippies make more sense than hippie vampires. (That’d mean they double suck. Heh.)

Here’s the plot: Bad Vibes is set in the psychedelic rock scene of the late ’60s, where Sunrise Majesty is at the top of the charts with their message of “free love” for all.  But after an encounter with a strange groupie, band leader and mastermind Max Cassidy is left with a gift that can’t be cured with a shot of penicillin.

Max has been touched with the curse of the werewolf, transforming him into a dark and brooding nihilist whose new sound is almost as disturbing as his new plan: to hold a huge love-in at the band’s ranch where he and the group will infect all their fans, unless Cynthia, Max’s girlfriend and the last untouched member of the band, can stop them.

The Werewolf of Woodstock

There was another hippie/werewolf mash-up in 1975 called The Werewolf of Woodstock. In that piece of cinematic dog doo, an electrical charge turns a local farmer into a hippie-dispatching werewolf during the 1969 Woodstock rock concert. Farmers do good work.

So tie dye becomes tie DIE. (Man, I’m on fire today.) All of this, though, begs the question: what will horror filmmakers think of next? As usual I have the answer: zombie hippies. And you could call ’em the Grateful Undead.

And still Hollywood never calls. I think my phone is broken.