Archive for September, 2013

Time-Eaters

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on September 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Langoliers

Without hyperbole, I can emphatically overstate that The Langoliers (1995) is the all time worst movie adaptation of one of horror author Stephen King’s books ever made in the history of the everything. (The wretched Rose Red/2002 is a close second.)

The Langoliers

A commercial flight full of passengers goes through a time rift (like a regular rift, but with more colors), and come out the other side with most of the people gone, as though they turned into transparencies and departed the plane in mid-air.

The Langoliers

A handful of wildly disparate characters – including a 10 year-old hyper-intelligent blind girl and a freakishly paranoid corporate executive – discover there’s no one left on land, either. Also, beer doesn’t fizz when opened, farts don’t smell and sandwiches taste like cardboard. And not that cool designer cardboard, either. All the while they hear a strange, ominous crunching sound off in the distance, like someone rolling around on bags of potato chips.

The Langoliers

As the corporate exec slips his grip and goes off the mental high dive, the rest struggle with the theory of what is believed to be the Langoliers, creatures that eat leftover time itself. They need to get their ass out of the past and back into present time where beer fizzes the way its supposed to.

The Langoliers

The ground and buildings around them are being devoured by the laughable Pac-Man type creatures as everyone not dead (um, there was a few regrettable incidents) re-boards the plane and heads for the time rift. Unfortunately, they have to be asleep in order to sync back up with the present. Someone needs to be awake to fly the plane and… No sequel for one lucky person.

The Langoliers

Interesting premise, but the unlikely characters (they work better in book form) and the horrendous Langoliers that look like giant clams with teeth (dumb name, dumber monsters) make you wish you could go back in time and not watch it all over again.

Mexicano Hombre-Lobo

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , on September 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

Something is killing off all the goats in the goat capitol of Furlough, Texas (population 327 – for now), and it’s not for lack of tourist dollars. The small toilet town on the Texas/Mexico border is ravaged by racism, boredom and grisly death.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

The Mexicans think it’s a Chupacabra. (They’re wrong.) The redneck in-bred whiteys think it’s the Mexicans. (They’re stupid and wrong.) The police think it’s a coyote. (They have guns and can believe anything they want.) And the bored-and-looking-for-excitement high school students think it’s fun that something cool is finally happening in their dustbowl of a town.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

Whatever the case, first it’s the goats, then tasty humans, who become carne asada, with a trail of outer and inner body parts strewn all over the pristine unswept sidewalks. Mob rules dictate it’s definitely a Chupacabra, so the townsfolk get guns and wait for it to come a’bitin’.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

The local mortician – less than happy his teen daughter is dating a Mexican – gets the idea to fashion Chupacabra evening wear out of coyote pelts so he can eliminate the boyfriend problem and conveniently blame it on Chupie. Meanwhile, the slaughter continues, with the locals being ripped into chorizo.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

The best moment comes when the marauding monster is chomping away at the Toyota™ truck containing two high school gals, and the town slut flashes her boobs at the frenzied beast. This stops our hirsute hero dead in his tracks for a brief moment (me, too), giving the resourceful girls a chance to give Chupie a taste of Japanese steel by running him down. Five times.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

He’s really a werewolf (okay, a hairy dog with an alligator head), even though everyone is more ready to believe in the Chupacabra than a lycanthrope. That’s small town thinking for you. All told, Mexican Werewolf in Texas (2005) is mildly entertaining horror flick that strays off the eaten path.

Frankenstein Vs. Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

Despite the misleading title of Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (1965), this is not the iconic Frankenstein monster with the bolts on his neck, looking like a droopy-faced Cure fan. This Frankenstein is a robot astronaut made up of car tires, parts from an old radio, a ratty wig and human intestines, which may or may not include functioning bowels. (That an oil stain on the back of your pants, dude?)

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

NASA built Frank (his name in the movie – really) to fly a risky mission to Mars, which the NASA geniuses estimate to be 49 million miles away. Hello, I think it’s a bit closer than that as I sometimes go there on the weekends on a single tank of rocket fuel.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

Before Frank can lift his space hopes into the upper stratosphere, nearby aliens think that despite their radar-jamming techniques, Earth people have spotted them and are launching a preemptive strike. So they blow up the rocket with energy beams. But Frank manages to eject and float back to earth with thoughtfully-provided parachutes.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

The aliens pursue Frank so he won’t tell on them. A short ray gun battle leaves Frank with his face half melted off and his circuits on the bleep, which causes him to kill a few people with a sharp thing. The aliens botch capturing Frank and go back to their original plan, which is to round up sweet Earth ladies for a breeding program to re-populate their planet. Seems an atomic war has wiped everybody out. That happens on a LOT of planets. So they capture a bunch of girls in bikinis. That’s where I’d start.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

The scientist in charge of Frank tracks him to an underground cave in Puerto Rico (!), attaches scientific alligator clips to his exposed circuits and has him rescue his hottie assistant who has just been taken aboard the space craft – for breeding purposes. Once inside, Frank goes all Earth justice on ’em. But they have a secret weapon – a space monster with fangs and abundantly hairy underarms.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

The girl escapes, but Frank knows this is a fight to the finish as his logic board won’t let those g-damn bikini-apprehending aliens make off/out with our Earth skanks.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster is padded with awesome NASA and military footage. The scene where Air Force jets are pounding the space craft with missiles is an appropriate show of military strength. That the bombs don’t even leave a scratch on the UFO is beside the point as the message is clear: Join the Army – and beat the stinkin’ crap outta aliens. USA! USA!

UFO Farm

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on September 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skinwalker Ranch

Skinwalker Ranch (releasing October 30, 2013) is a sci-fi movie about a farm out in the middle of Dirt, Utah that’s home to cows, probably a pointy pitchfork, a tractor that gets two miles to the gallon, and dirt. It’s also a supernatural hotspot and may be the force responsible for the vanishing of a cattle rancher’s 10 year-old son. (That, or he fell down the well and Lassie, tired of that sh*t, just walked away.)

Skinwalker Ranch

Skinwalker Ranch, by the way, is a real place with real UFO activity. But in those parts, they call it Sherman Ranch in Utah. I like Skinwalker Ranch because it just sounds way cool. Note to the nearly one million non-readers of this blog: there is also a werewolf movie called Skinwalkers (2002). I don’t think the werewolves live on farms, though. More likely a downtown condo with quick ‘n easy access to human groceries.

Skinwalker Ranch

So SW-R is inspired by TRUE events that shocked paranormal communities around the world. A scientific team (they rarely travel alone as they need constant validation), investigates the kid’s disappearance. (Note to lab coats – check the well.) If he’s not in the well, I bet his abduction has something to do with those dangly things hanging under cows. Those weirdo appendages have to be of extraterrestrial origin.

I bet they’re bio communication antennas, which might explain why my cereal tastes a bit odd sometimes.

Mars: Closed For The Season

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Days on Mars

Mars is the fourth planet from the Sun. This is true; I counted. It’s also the second smallest planet in our solar system. (Unable to fact check this.) Mars is also referred to as the “Red Planet” because it looks red. Good call, NASA. (Note: The red color, it is theorized by me, comes from the yeast additive to George Killian’s Irish Red, where the orange-y beer is brewed. Cheaper overhead on Mars.)

Mars

The reason I bring this up is that there is a new sci-fi movie coming out called The Last Days on Mars. The story line revolves around a rocket booze cruise to the Irish red planet. Too much partying and scientific experimenting happens and the next thing you know, Martians Gone Wild videos are showing up on the Internet and hilarity ensues.

The Last Days of Mars

As good as that is, it’s not the real plot. This is: An astronaut crew on Mars is on the verge of a major breakthrough, having collected rock specimens that reveal microscopic evidence of life.

In their last hours on the planet, two astronauts go back to a cavernous valley on the surface of Mars to collect further evidence for their discovery, but a routine excavation turns deadly when one of them falls to his death and his body is taken as a host and re-animated by the very life form they sought to discover.

Sounds a heckuva lot like Apollo 18 (2011). But hey, I’m always up for an alien throw down.

Apollo 18

The Last Days on Mars releases to most popular viewable formats on Halloween, 2013 and then – in case you reject technology – to movie theatres on December 6, 2013. Seems pointless to do that as you’ll be able to get a bootleg of it about 30 seconds after it hits VOD. (It won’t be me as I don’t know how to do that. I reject technology.)

Ghosts That Give You Static Pt. 2

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on September 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White Noise 2: The Light

After having his wife and young son gunned down in front of him while having breakfast in a restaurant (that’s one way of getting out of paying the bill), Abe Dale decides he can’t take the grief after three months and kills himself (booze and pills, not necessarily in that order).

Technically he kills himself. He goes through the dark tunnel with the light at the end (kinda like what a gopher might see waking up on a sunny spring morn) and his dead wife and as equally dead kid are waiting there to greet him. That’s so nice.

White Noise 2: The Light

But thanks to electricity, specifically resuscitation paddles, the doctors are able to bring him back. But Abe is changed: He can see an aura-like light coming out of people about to die. The stronger the light, the sooner they’ll kick the bucket like a soccer ball. Being a good guy, he decides to save them.

White Noise 2: The Light

It works: an old fart about to be run over by a car, a street fight that almost had another guy being tossed off a highway overpass, the cute nurse who waited on him in the hospital (she was in the process of being mugged in the parking garage).

White Noise 2: The Light

Yep, ’ol Abe is a hero now. But there are consequences to interrupting the flow of death. These people were supposed to die. By being Mr. Rescue, he’s paved the way for them to cause even more deaths (i.e., the old fart plows his van into a crowded bus stop). But it gets way more f’d up, and I mean that in a good way. There are several non-predictable, nasty twists that will have you going, “No freakin’ way, man – that is SO messed up!” One scene in particular – in a hotel lobby – is harshly awesome.

White Noise 2: The Light

White Noise 2: The Light (2007) takes its foot off the gas a bit at the end, but that’s small breakfast servings with a side of ammunition as it totally smokes White Noise (2005, sequel by name only.) You’ll have to use your brain on this one, which I was not used to doing. I have to take aspirin as my head always hurts when I think.

Ghosts That Give You Static

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White Noise

Jonathan Rivers’ (played by Michael Keaton/Batman) new wife gets suspiciously killed right after she tells him she’s pregnant. All consuming grief ensues. Soon thereafter a fat guy comes to Rivers and tells him the deceased wife has been trying to make contact via white noise. (That’s the sound that comes out of most loud women’s mouths).

The man, like me, is an expert on EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), meaning that when a TV channel is set to one of those stations that isn’t broadcasting a televised signal, voices and even images can be heard and seen in MTV-edit snippets.

White Noise

Recorded and freeze-framed, sure enough, Rivers’ wife pops up for a second with a message Jonathan can’t decipher. Her hair looks nice, though. So he buys a bunch of electronic equipment, a bunch of TV sets and recorders and does nothing but sit mindlessly in front of the tube all day. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

White Noise

Soon, more communications from beyond start coming through. But not all of them are from nice ghosts. There are three gnarly dead things (probably Republicans) that are making people do stuff they more than likely wouldn’t do, like swan dive off of hi-rise apartment balconies.

White Noise

Rivers has to start assembling clues given by his dead wife’s transmissions and sets out to rescue somebody she keeps urging him to save. (She probably told him to take out the trash as well, but that’s in the director’s cut.)

White Noise

White Noise (2005) feels like an extended X-Files episode and kinda starts to go into cool spooky areas. But the last 15 minutes swamp the boat, with the evil trio, commanding a serial killer to do their bidding (the same killer who did in Rivers’ wife), pop out and do a second-rate goofy Casper routine.

Even if you haven’t seen White Noise, you already know how this ultimately ends. And all we’re left with is a bunch of static.