Frankenstein Vs. Aliens

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

Despite the misleading title of Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (1965), this is not the iconic Frankenstein monster with the bolts on his neck, looking like a droopy-faced Cure fan. This Frankenstein is a robot astronaut made up of car tires, parts from an old radio, a ratty wig and human intestines, which may or may not include functioning bowels. (That an oil stain on the back of your pants, dude?)

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

NASA built Frank (his name in the movie – really) to fly a risky mission to Mars, which the NASA geniuses estimate to be 49 million miles away. Hello, I think it’s a bit closer than that as I sometimes go there on the weekends on a single tank of rocket fuel.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

Before Frank can lift his space hopes into the upper stratosphere, nearby aliens think that despite their radar-jamming techniques, Earth people have spotted them and are launching a preemptive strike. So they blow up the rocket with energy beams. But Frank manages to eject and float back to earth with thoughtfully-provided parachutes.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

The aliens pursue Frank so he won’t tell on them. A short ray gun battle leaves Frank with his face half melted off and his circuits on the bleep, which causes him to kill a few people with a sharp thing. The aliens botch capturing Frank and go back to their original plan, which is to round up sweet Earth ladies for a breeding program to re-populate their planet. Seems an atomic war has wiped everybody out. That happens on a LOT of planets. So they capture a bunch of girls in bikinis. That’s where I’d start.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

The scientist in charge of Frank tracks him to an underground cave in Puerto Rico (!), attaches scientific alligator clips to his exposed circuits and has him rescue his hottie assistant who has just been taken aboard the space craft – for breeding purposes. Once inside, Frank goes all Earth justice on ’em. But they have a secret weapon – a space monster with fangs and abundantly hairy underarms.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster

The girl escapes, but Frank knows this is a fight to the finish as his logic board won’t let those g-damn bikini-apprehending aliens make off/out with our Earth skanks.

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster is padded with awesome NASA and military footage. The scene where Air Force jets are pounding the space craft with missiles is an appropriate show of military strength. That the bombs don’t even leave a scratch on the UFO is beside the point as the message is clear: Join the Army – and beat the stinkin’ crap outta aliens. USA! USA!

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