Ghosts That Give You Static

White Noise

Jonathan Rivers’ (played by Michael Keaton/Batman) new wife gets suspiciously killed right after she tells him she’s pregnant. All consuming grief ensues. Soon thereafter a fat guy comes to Rivers and tells him the deceased wife has been trying to make contact via white noise. (That’s the sound that comes out of most loud women’s mouths).

The man, like me, is an expert on EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), meaning that when a TV channel is set to one of those stations that isn’t broadcasting a televised signal, voices and even images can be heard and seen in MTV-edit snippets.

White Noise

Recorded and freeze-framed, sure enough, Rivers’ wife pops up for a second with a message Jonathan can’t decipher. Her hair looks nice, though. So he buys a bunch of electronic equipment, a bunch of TV sets and recorders and does nothing but sit mindlessly in front of the tube all day. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

White Noise

Soon, more communications from beyond start coming through. But not all of them are from nice ghosts. There are three gnarly dead things (probably Republicans) that are making people do stuff they more than likely wouldn’t do, like swan dive off of hi-rise apartment balconies.

White Noise

Rivers has to start assembling clues given by his dead wife’s transmissions and sets out to rescue somebody she keeps urging him to save. (She probably told him to take out the trash as well, but that’s in the director’s cut.)

White Noise

White Noise (2005) feels like an extended X-Files episode and kinda starts to go into cool spooky areas. But the last 15 minutes swamp the boat, with the evil trio, commanding a serial killer to do their bidding (the same killer who did in Rivers’ wife), pop out and do a second-rate goofy Casper routine.

Even if you haven’t seen White Noise, you already know how this ultimately ends. And all we’re left with is a bunch of static.

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