Heritage Flesh Eaters

Night of the Living Dead

Released in 1968 and filmed in glorious black and white, Night of the Living Dead is the Holy Grail of zombie movies, spawning one billion flesh-eating flicks, including its own meaty sequels.

It’s theorized that a satellite returning from spring break on Venus brought back the virus that reanimates the dead. NASA: “Don’t look at us, we didn’t do it.” As the recently deceased return to life, they’re hungry and want to eat your skin, probably because it’s flavorful and loaded with vitamins.

Night of the Living Dead

A small group of uneaten people end up in a farmhouse, barricade themselves in and have lots of arguments about which would be better: to die in the basement or die in the attic. (I’d prefer the kitchen as the refrigerator therein offers a chance for a final redemptive beer.)

Night of the Living Dead

The omnipresent threat of having your pants eaten from the inside out by the undead nearly pales in comparison to the fact that we, as humans, turn into arguing, screaming, crying idiots under stress. I blame non-alcoholic beer and romantic comedies for turning us into wussies.

Night of the Living Dead

The scene where two teens get eaten by zombies is legendary and wonderfully explicit for a movie made all those conservative years ago. Mind you, while ’60s zombies usually favor sushi flesh, fire-roasted teens still make for a tummy-filling snack. When I turn into a zombie I’ll have to try some.

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