Balding Sasquatch

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

The problem with movies about Bigfoot is that the monster always looks really dumb. The Sasquatch in the Jack Links Beef Jerky™ TV commercials looks way cooler than those used in low-rent films such as Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch (2005). Why not borrow the Jack Links™ Bigfoot and use him to rip people apart like beef jerky?

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

A bunch (four) of drunk, redneck poachers are attacked in the woods by Sasquatch, three of which get their guts ripped out. The surviving redneck (played by Miles O’Keeffe, that poser Tarzan in 1981), is p*ssed his friends are no longer around to drink beers with and to go four-wheelin’ and a’shootin’. So he rounds up three more redneck replacements to hunt down the “bear” that performed open-heart surgery on his bestest buddies.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

Four high school students go camping in the very same woods on a homework assignment. The local sheriff has his hands full trying to keep people out of the woods and take care of the “bear” problem in time for tourist season. An Indian deputy (played by that Indian guy in Ginger Snaps III) knows the problem isn’t a bear, but Taku He (pronounced “talk-oooh-hey”), the mythical creature foretold in his culture’s instruction manual.

The racist rednecks don’t like the Indian and plan on shooting him and making it look like a hunting accident – right after that next case of beer. That they pass the time lighting their farts around a campfire means they’re just waiting for the right moment.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

The students, though, are unknowingly caught in the middle, with Sasquatch throwing rocks (or “mountain stones”) at their tents to get them to leave so he can mangle the redneck’s red necks. When Sasquatch does appear, he looks like Trog’s uncle and is sporting a receding hairline. This is unusual as male pattern baldness is rare among missing links.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

Building to a tedious climax, Sasquatch spares the kids, the deputy survives being shot, the rednecks all die, and the local news station airs the footage of Sasquatch taken by one of the students. Everyone thinks it’s a hoax. But WE know the truth – it was a bear dressed up as Sasquatch. Really, it’s the only logical explanation.

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