Nutty Horror

Squirrels have been referred to as rats with good PR. That’s dang funny. I’ve since paraphrased in order to impress the high society crowds I hang out with by employing lines like, “I say dear fellow, waffles are merely pancakes with good PR.” Top drawer stuff. Always gets a laugh.

Squirrels are in the Top 10 of all time cute animals that you just want to rub against your face and give ’em adorable names like “Mr. Fuzz,” “Chip Monk,” and “Destroyah.” In truth, though, squirrels, the latest animal to be made a horror villain, are four-legged toilets brushes that can infect you with foamy rabies with one well-place nibble.

Scheduled for release in 2014 and based on a 30-second concept by producer Timur Bekmambetov (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter/2012), the blandly titled Squirrels finds our furry forest friend wreaking utter havoc. Hence…

“When a young man’s estranged father is killed under suspicious circumstances, he returns home for the first time in years to get to the bottom of the mystery. Hoping to uncover some logical explanation, he instead finds his mom’s sleazy new boyfriend, a natural gas company buying up the town, an angry female sheriff who happens to be his ex-girlfriend, and an army of flesh-eating squirrels hellbent on destroying everything in their path due to an erosion of their food chain as a result of environmental destruction by the gas company.”

Flesh-eating squirrels. Kinda rolls right off the tongue. I bet these squirrels would eat your tongue. If they didn’t, then the movie wouldn’t have a whole lot of appeal. Yeah, the whole thing sounds pretty dang dumb. I’d rather see a movie about acid syrup-spraying waffles that punch square holes in you. And the movie could be made in Belgium. And cities under siege by these lethal breakfast monsters call on butter companies to combat… Yeah, pretty dumb as well. I really thought I was on to something there for a sec.

And then the beer wore off.