Archive for July, 2013

Godzilla – Standing Fully Erect

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on July 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Few things in life anymore are able to give you a rise in your Levis: ViagraCialasLevitra… (As opposed to when I was 13 – EVERYTHING.)

Forget all that stuff – the teaser poster for Godzilla (2014) is the best shot of full blown testosterone you can get without a prescription.

Godzilla

From what I’m able to gather in-between fits of uncontrollable drooling and cold showers, this “Godzilla” thing looks to be a mega gigantic reptile that more than likely comes out of the ocean and SMASHES EVERYTHING. Other than that, I know nothing.

I do know one thing, however – ask me for directions right now and I can point without using my hands.

The Horror of Air

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , on July 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Happening

Something in The Happening (2008) is causing people to stop what they’re doing and kill themselves. Some accomplish this by jumping off rooftops, others by laying down in front of industrial lawn mowers. Both harsh, but effective.

Thinking it might be a terrorist attack (man, those guys get blamed for everything), or a military thing gone wrong, no one grasps why this is happening, but are instructed to get out of major populated areas all the same.

The Happening

Everybody’s freaked out, especially Zooey (it doesn’t, but it should rhyme with “gooey”), who thinks meeting another man for lunch constitutes an affair, for which she feels plot-distracting guilt. Nice timing. Her husband Marky Mark Walhberg is trying to keep her and some kid they got saddled with away from the invisible airborne threat that’s systematically working its way through towns and cities, and heading right for them.

The military can’t help because they keep shooting themselves in the head. No one seems to know which direction to go as intermittent reports indicate this invisible “contamination” is almost upon them.

The Happening

Seeking refuge in an old lady-occupied house out in the country, Marky, Zooey and their newly-adopted daughter get about two minutes rest before the elderly house-owner becomes possessed by the thing everybody’s been avoiding like the plague, and smashes her own face into glass, thereby bringing an end to a boring country life no one gave an industrial lawn mower about.

The Happening

Tired of running, Marky, Zooey and the kid give up and go outside for one final embrace. Just like the movie, nothing happens. The media reports that the “epidemic” was perhaps a warning (probably for us to quit watching movies like this). The world is back to normal. Sorta. Next stop on the contagion tour: Paris, France. Good – Paris smells weird and the air will help air it out.

To get all the way through the flick only to find out the thing causing all the suicides was nothing more than eco-friendly wind, is a total eco cop-out. As such, The Happening ain’t happening.

Mad At Mad Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on July 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Grudge

The Grudge (2004) is a near frame-by-frame remake of the sequel crazy Japanese horror hit Ju-on: The Grudge (2003).

The Grudge

The US-made version merely substitutes Japanese actors for round eye Americans. They even used the same director, the same haunted condo and the same ghosts, only this time no one is screaming in sub-titles.

The Grudge

The near-plotless story revolves around a murder in a small, unassuming modern townhouse in a Tokyo suburb. Yep, that scared the hakama (Japanese pants) right off of me, what with its feng-shui, bamboo top counters and daylight windows to let relaxing sunshine in while you sip your green tea and read New Age haikus.

The Grudge

The ghosts that stick around are really mad (where the title gets its name) and any non-ghost that moves in is terrorized by the little ghost boy who snarls like a cat and the black-haired chick ghost with one eye poking out from her stringy black tresses.

So boring is this re-boot, you’ll actually look around your house for real ghosts to entertain you.

Godzilla – The Ultimate Pest Control

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on July 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus

As Tokyo’s most bankable franchise, the world’s greatest reptile returns in Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus (2000) yet again to battle a new fast food tie-in toy, er, devastating foe, this time a giant dragonfly.

Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus

In their bid to develop a weapon powerful enough to make Godzilla quit wrecking stuff, scientists accidentally create a sort of “black hole”, which accidentally allows a creature from the other side to slip through. This ray beam is dubbed the Dimension Tide. (That’d be a cool name for a space laundry detergent.)

Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus

Megaguirus, said giant dragonfly, sees its chance, pops in for a howdy, lays an egg, then goes back into the hole. That somehow seems familiar. A kid finds the egg, and when it starts leaking, he responsibly dumps it in the sewer. But the egg isn’t just an egg – its just a shell holding hundreds of eggs. When they hatch, one million baby Meganuron pop out. After they grow to adult size, they’re referred to as Meganuera. I stepped in a pile of Meganuera once. Not cool.

Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus

These swarming bugs flood Tokyo (cool scene, but noticeably fake) and attack Godzilla where they suck out some of his blood as if heavy metal mosquitoes. Flying back into the sewer the Meganuron transfer the blood into a huge sleeping Queen Meganuera. After moulting, she grows to the size of Godzilla’s guest house and the two go at it like they were enemies or something.

Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus

Megaguirus has some cool powers, like the radiation ball. But Godzilla is nothing if not a huge nuclear reactor that feeds on radiation. Do your friggin’ homework, Megaguirus. During the battle Godzilla bites Meg’s stinger off and jumps 500 feet (!) into the air, squashing the buggering bug as if it was an employee of Orkin™. Corny, but mildly entertaining.

The military unleashes the Dimension Tide and kaBOOM – Godzilla is gone. (Gonzilla – heh.) That is, until the dust settles. It’s then that you hear Godzilla’s trademark skronk. I’d give anything to be able to make that noise, especially in a public restroom toilet stall. Good place to make people crap their pants.

Mythological Gargoyle

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on July 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Garuda

In Bangkok, Thailand, the Garuda is a real life giant winged mythological creature in Hindu and Buddhist mythology that gets unearthed by the need for modern advancement (i.e., another tunnel). The monster is 50 feet tall and looks like a heavy metal parrot. Once unleashed, it throws all that mythological nonsense out the window and wrecks stuff.

Garuda

A supermodel archaeologist has to figure out how to get rid of the pesky thing. And to think all she had to do was give it back its claw, which she wears as jewelry (it goes with anything).

Garuda

Garuda is impervious to all things bullet, which isn’t making anyone happy, least of which is a supernatural commando squad the military keeps on the payroll for just such an instance.

Garuda

The pacing of Garuda (2004) is either really fast or mythologically slow, and makes you wish Garuda would just eat everyone, fly over the city, and crap ’em out on cars and espresso carts. Yeah, the creature looks like it was designed for a video game. But you knew that. I did, too, and still rented it. Dang me. Dang me to heck.

Dead Can Dance

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , on July 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dance of the Dead

Stinky half rotted cadavers in a cemetery next to a high school AND nuclear power plant (!) rise from their dirt naps as the now converted into flesh-eaters to attend the school prom. This would never happen in the real world as there are strict dress codes for such scholastic events.

All the loser teens who couldn’t get dates discover the zombie invasion and band together to rescue the girls who turned them down in the first place. (Note to Carol Ognibean – you shouldn’t have crushed my prom dreams under your cold verbal heel…you’d be zombie bait if I was doing the “rescuing.”)

Dance of the Dead

The school’s stoner metal band is Dance of the Dead’s (1994) best moment, playing a non-stop concert for the undead, who are held in thrall by the crunchy grooves and dark lyrics, giving birth to…emo zombies.

Dance of the Dead

The school’s coach, a former military guy with a cache of weapons and artillery in his suburban garage, joins the battle, and plans to blow up the school. My kind of guy.  To plant bombs throughout the institute of higher learning, the uneaten have to wade through a horde of the dancing dead, somewhat distracted by the band.

Dance of the Dead

The movie starts slow but picks up steam, with most of the funny stuff (I hope this is a comedy), happening in the third act. Example: two zombies kissing each other, then chewing each other’s faces off while looking dreamily into each others’ pus-filled eyes). You’ll LOL over that one. I did. And I hardly LOL about anything – until I’ve had about 11 beers. Then I’m LOL-ing all over the place. You should see it – quite entertaining.

No new zombie ground is broken here, but the plentiful gore gets extra credit and the entertaining teen characters don’t make you wanna chew you own face off.

Ghost in a Wheelchair

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , on July 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Changeling

After losing his wife and young daughter  in a car accident (they were smooshed by a truck), John Russell, a composer, moves to Seattle (where I live – whoooo!) to teach music at the University of Washington. (I totally know where that is.)

The Changeling

Russell rents a huge mansion from the Hysterical Society, uh Historical Society, and soon comes to realize the darn place is stinking haunted. Loud pounding on the walls occurs at the same time every day. Doors open and shut without anybody opening or shutting them. Anybody living, that is.

The Changeling

Time to call in the experts. Russell (George C. Scott) holds a seance with his hot real estate representative, her mother (’ol what’s her face, the Flying Nun’s TV mom) and two spiritualists, one of whom is an automatic writer. This means she goes into a trance, stares blindly into space while ghosts make her write stuff down on paper. Who are you? Where did you die? Why are you not resting in peace? Do you know where they buried the body of Casper the Friendly Dead Kid? No audible answer.

The Cahngeling

Russell records the seance and later plays it back. Each question is answered by a ghost voice. You can go ahead and freak in your pants right now. He discovers the entity is a kid murdered in the house 50 years ago. Time to get in the Mystery Van with some teenagers and a talking dog and get to the bottom of this paranormal throw down.

The murder mystery gets a bit complex, but the final scene is as hairy as Bigfoot, who also lives in Seattle. This is why movie producers always want to film here. I’ll allow that as long as the flicks are as good as The Changeling (1980).

Incarcerated Alien

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , , , on July 10, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien 3

You remember in Aliens (1986) that escape pod Ellen Ripley, Newt (that little unwashed girl survivor), Hicks – the marine with an alien-inflicted head wound, and the ready-for-the-junk heap android Bishop shot into space in? It crashed landed on Fiorina 161, an all-male penal (heh) colony filled with religious freaks, woman-haters, father rapers… Pretty much the cream of the crap.

In Alien3 (1992), Ripley is the only survivor of said wipeout and needs to perform an autopsy on Newt (ick) to see if an alien had set up shop in her and caused the jettison craft to malfunction and go crash.

Alien 3

Meanwhile, the inmates are getting agitated that a woman is in their midst. They probably would’ve shut the hell up had they known an alien was running loose in the industrial confines of their extended stay warehouse.

Alien 3

Shaving her head to fit in, Ripley, now looking a LOT less sexy than she did in the first two Alien movies, finds the creature, or rather it finds her and… Wait just a space a minute – isn’t the alien supposed to shoot that slide ruler thing out its mouth and punch a hole in her face? There’s a reason it didn’t, and it might have something to do with Ripley and the alien sharing more than acid spit kisses.

Alien 3

Bleak and grimy, this sequel only has one alien, as opposed to several hundred in the last one. More character-driven than chest-bursting action, it’s still a super tense set-up for what you kinda figured out would be the end. I did, however, like the violence and stew-ready body parts. Didn’t much care for the foul language of the inmates, though. That kind of talk will lead you down the wrong road later in life.

Ripley, for the third time in a row, is badass and “out mans” the males. I change my mind – she is sexy with a shaved head. Just don’t ask me to, like, rub it or anything.

AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter. Sound Familiar?

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , on July 9, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter

The “hunter” in AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter (2007) is a guy dressed in leftover meatloaf pans and spandex. And that helmet on his head looks like an intergalactic pie plate.

The “alien” is a cross between a giant spider with Praying Mantis arms and a third-cousin resemblance to the Alien.

AVH: Alien vs. Hunter

Now for the unpleasant part: Two fireballs land on a mountain side. The title characters are in those fireballs. Humans are in the way. Various deaths ensue. William Katt, slumming on a level usually reserved for Lorenzo Lamas and Casper Van Dien, plays a washed-up journalist who spends the entire movie whimpering and yelling stuff like, “We have GOT to get off this mountain!” and “We need bigger guns!”

Throw in a few redneck survivalists with bazookas (!), a spaceship that looks like the inside of a garbage can with stereo knobs, and you have an instant sci-fi colostomy bag.

AVH: Alien vs. Hunter

A poor attempt at humor has the Hunter taking off his mask at the end of the movie while talking with someone in English via radio. The human-looking Hunter takes out a cigarette, lights it and says he’s outta here as there isn’t anything on Earth worth hunting.

AVH: Alien vs. Hunter

I’ve filled my pants with better endings. If after reading this you rent/watch AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter you’re as unsmart as the people who made it. I saw it for free on the SyFy Channel™. It was overpriced.

Croczilla

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on July 8, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Croczilla

The cover of Croczilla (2012) is like going to a four-star restaurant and ordering a peanut butter and jelly entree, only to have the waiter bring you a sandwich with said peanut butter – and NOT any jelly. My frustration is measurable on the Richter scale.

First and foremost Croczilla is a puzzling retitling of Million Dollar Crocodile, China’s first monster movie, first covered by ME right HERE on May 22, 2012.

Secondly, when you invoke the suffix of “Zilla,” you’re putting on some big shoes. Zilla, which is God’s last name (and by extension, Jesus Zilla), implies giant monsters crushing eye-full towers. The “monster” in Croczilla is a 24-foot crocodile that gets loose in China’s tea fields and crushes tall grass, vines and market crops.

Croczilla

The DVD cover of Croczilla shows a subway train-sized crocodile with the kicker line, “Japan was just the appetizer.” Not sure how a 24-foot Chinese female crocodile takes down Japan. You’d need a passport to get there for one thing. Secondly, the cover shows a heavily-armed helicopter overhead, waiting to blast Ah-Mel (the croc’s name, spelled phonetically as I can’t write Chinese until I’ve had my morning green tea and Jagermeister™ energy drink). There is no such helicopter – of any type, in this movie.

I could keep going and going about everything that is wrong here. Originally titled Million Dollar Crocodile, an overly frantic woman’s stylish handbag is eaten by Ah-Mel, which contains $100,000 Euros, referenced numerous times. Depending on the constantly fluctuating money exchange, this may or may not translate to one million dollars, which suggests the title is wrong again.

Croczilla

Million Dollar Croczilla has literally no gore, very little blood, horrible over-acting and is played both dramatically and comedically at the same time. Neither work. The actual crocodile looks convincing enough, but only eats one fat person, which you don’t get to see. I would like to see a person, overweight or not, get eaten by movie crocodile if it isn’t too much to ask.

Apparently it is.