Alien Child Care


A male scientist gets pregnant (!) by a meteorite (!) that crash landed in his buddy’s yard and gives birth (!) to an octopus boy. Count how many things are wrong with that sentence.

Dr. Eric Norris, still feeling guilt over a car accident a while back that killed his wife and four year-old son, works in a lab and mopes. His friend brings in a sample of a meteorite, hoping someone with science brains could explain it. Whatever it is, it infects Norris, who, after a fling with a supermodel co-worker (he’s 65, she’s 29 – that’s some serious science fiction), wakes up to find a throbbing growth on his abdomen. (I so have a joke for that.)


An MRI confirms the growth to be a life-form that’s attached itself to his nervous system and is drawing sustenance, like stomach sauce. Somehow the FBI gets involved and chase Norris and his girlfriend to a barn where he gives birth to the creature. Amazingly, that’s not the weird part. Norris bonds with the alien kid (easing his poor driving skills guilt) and goes to court to sue for custody.


Running over more than half of Inalienable (2008), attorneys debate whether a dude can give birth and that it is indeed his biological offspring, versus being a real human or a freak of science that needs to be cut open and studied. All the while a Jerry Springer crowd is outside, yelling and waving signs in support.


The fast growing “boy” looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, but without a shell. And he has four octopus tentacles coming out of his back. They look like extra long loaves of french bread made out of clay. That everyone plays their part around this with a straight face is the best special effect of all.

Loaded with former A-listers, who appeared in everything from Star Trek, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Inalienable is not only an embarrassment of riches, it’s just plain embarrassing.

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