Putting The Squeeze On King Cobra

King Cobra

Bored with cloning sheep for the betterment of society, a group of scientists cross-breed a good ’ol Texan rattlesnake with an African King Cobra in order to milk its altered venom for a hangover cure (or something equally medically ground-breaking).

King CobraA convenient explosion in the lab mutates the oversized Slinky and it slides to a nearby town holding its first microbrew fest. (I was not invited back after that unfortunate incident involving one of the Porta-Pottys™ last year.) Wally Worm is 30 feet long and has teeth the size of fireplace pokers, which it uses to dispense much poking. People wandering around the woods looking for a place to pee (the Porta-Pottys™ are closed until further notice) are rudely interrupted by the snack-minded snake.

King Cobra

King Cobra’s (1999) inexcusably lazy title/casting/DVD cover/plot notwithstanding, the monster looks like one of the rubber snake toys you win at the carnival for popping balloons with symbolically dull darts.

King Cobra

Karate Kid’s (1984) Pat Morita shows up as a professional reptile wrangler and gets his head bitten off. Why he didn’t give the snake a kung-fu grip is beyond me. Erik Estrada makes a painful three-minute cameo as a gay PR agent organizing the town’s drunkapalooza. Coin toss as to whether Erik or the snake made the biggest mistake by signing up for this flickering flick.

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