Archive for June, 2013

Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on June 20, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead

Geez, there sure are a lot of corpses (or “rot bods”) buried everywhere you step in ancient Japan. These suckers pop out of the ground at the slightest provocation and have maggots in their eye sockets, yet still retain their kung-fu fighting skills. I wish I could do that. Not the maggot-in-my-eye part – that’d be way too icky.

Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead

A good monk (White), along with his sidekicks, Fire (in his 20s) and Sun (12) are escorting 10 vampires to their final resting place outside of town. This pisses off the bad Monk (Black), a former colleague and kung-fu master. He doesn’t think vampires are worthy of having their soul redeemed and wants to kick them in their undead asses. I kinda side with Black on this one because hey, vampires.

White insists everyone should be buried with respect and honor and have their souls reincarnated as fire butterflies to go where fire butterflies go (probably Mothra’s crib).

Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead

When an evil warlord/vampire/zombie/model appears out of freakin’ nowhere, White and Black knock heads to see which one gets the glory of beating down this crusty butthook. Both perform the kind of high-flying ninja moves you’d expect from someone with that level of skill and chanting.

Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead

Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead (2004) has cool rapid-fire special effects, but not as mind-blowing as in the sequel Shaolin Vs. Evil Dead: Ultimate Power (2006). Lots of comedic pratfalls, most of which distract from the task at hand: to kick evil right in the dishonorable noodle bowl. Still, plenty of fun and zombies and maggots and hopping vampires. Yes, I said hopping.

Lesbian Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , on June 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampyros Lesbos

Countess Nadina Carody, the clothes-phobic star of Vampyros Lesbos (1971) is so hot, just the mere thought of her sends other women into a lustful rage. Me, too. This gal is in real life a vampire seductress, using women for personal gain, which as it turns out, is blood.

Linda Westinghouse, a clothes-phobic business woman, has just fallen under Nadine’s spell after seeing her in a naked/nude performance art play. Me, too.

Vampyros Lesbos

Linda pays a business visit to Nadine, who lives in a castle on a Turkish beach (!) where bathing suits have no significant meaning. The two have a lot in common once the clothes come off, the mutual sharing of suntan lotion being one of them.

Vampire Lesbos

When Linda doesn’t come home from her trip, boyfriend Omar gets suspicious and tracks her to a mental care health facility (aka, “loony bin”), where the somewhat-evil Dr. Seward is treating her for Nadine overdose. Finally coming to her senses, she knows she must break the spell and send Nadine back to sapphic hell. (FYI: That place doesn’t exist.)

Vampyros Lesbos

What Nadine does: Have long, dreamy naked moments with those she “calls.” What Nadine doesn’t do: Sprout fangs, bat wings, or let commercial grade bath soap touch her flawless butt zone. Yep, there’s some blood, but for some reason you don’t seem to notice it. I wonder why?

So you’re basically left with ridiculously hot naked women making out with each other and comparing bare boobies. One star for the actual movie, four stars for that last sentence.

Witchcraftery, Womanhood & Walnuts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , on June 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Touch of Satan

Jodie is a ’70s “go whichever way the wind blows” kinda guy on a car journey, hoping to “find” himself. He finds himself wanting to feel up Melissa, a country hottie who lives on a walnut farm with her dad, mom and mutated grandma in the upstairs bedroom.

A Touch of Satan

It’s not really her grandmother, but her sister from the 1800s when she was saved from being roasted by witch-hunting villagers back in the good ’ol days. The fire grilled half her face, but a quick deal with Satan ensured that Melissa could rescue her sister and that they could live forever in league with evil and walnuts. Grandma Sister kills a few people, which isn’t the right way to market the family business.

The Touch of Satan

Sick to the point of throwing up in the driveway, Jodie is surprisingly reticent when Melissa tells him she’s a witch. To prove it, she has sex with him, which instantly lifts the curse and she turns into a burnt pillow face. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

Only one way to save her. And no, not with fire extinguisher lotion. If you can’t guess, then I hereby command ye to watch The Touch of Satan (1971), a flaccid tale of witchcraftery, womanhood and walnuts.

Don’t Make Light of the Dark

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , on June 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark

On August 14, 2003, New York City was caught up in a widespread power outage that affected an estimated 10 million people in Ontario and 45 million people in eight U.S. states. In solidarity, I unplugged my refrigerator and had to drink a twelve pack of tall boys before they spoiled. You’re welcome, New York.

The blackout started at the FirstEnergy Corporation in Ohio, where electric cornfields overloaded the Matrix and tripped the circuit breaker. Hey, I do my homework, man.

A psychological horror movie about the blackout is being prepped as of this e-scribbling, titled simply, Dark. And since you’re just dying to know the plot, I happen to have cut and pasted it here for your consideration…

Dark

“Set in NYC during the blackout of 2003, Kate, a struggling 30-something model with a troubled past, has just moved into her girlfriend Leah’s Brooklyn loft, but already doubts about their relationship have begun to loom.”

“When Leah leaves for the weekend, Kate unexpectedly find herself alone in the apartment in the midst of the worst blackout in North American history. As darkness falls over the city, Kate’s paranoia grows and she begins to believe someone in the building is stalking her. With no one to help her and escape out of reach, Kate is forced to confront her deepest fears as she fights to survive through the night.”

Dark

Seriously? That’s it? Yeesh. At least during filming they’ll save a ton on lighting.

Last time my block had a blackout, I had to watch TV in the dark.

Tokyo Zombie

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , on June 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tokyo Zombie

Fujio and Mitsuo work in a fire extinguisher factory (more like a garage, really) and use their lunch breaks to train as jiu jitsu fighters.

Caught rolling around on a wrestling mat by their boss, Fujio and Mitsuo “accidentally” kill their brow-beating employer and take him up to the man-made Dark Fuji, a cloud bumping, spire-like garbage mountain in the middle of the city, to bury him.

Tokyo Zombie

Dark Fuji is where everything, from old refrigerators and car tires to mother-in-laws and former employers, are dumped. But the pollution reanimates the dead and soon Tokyo is a wasteland of zombies. Hence the movie’s clever title – Tokyo Zombie (2005).

Tokyo Zombie

While out shopping for survival potato chips, Mitsuo is bitten by a zombie, and because this wrecks his entire day, throws himself off a bridge. Fujio is devastated – his best friend in the world is now but a fart on a windy day. Even worse, his delivery van was hijacked. Sucks to be Fujio.

Tokyo Zombie

Fast forward a few years later. The surviving rich, bored because their TVs no longer work, pay to watch zombie gladiator fights. Fujio wrestles zombies for a paycheck and still can’t get over losing his best friend. That is, until he’s pitted against the zombie Mitsuo in a death match. Didn’t see that coming.

Tokyo Zombie’s depiction of flesh-eating is potato chips when it should’ve been sushi. But hey, this is a horror comedy so take what you can get, although I don’t see anything funny about pollution.

Oceans of Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on June 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Triangle

On the surface of this ocean-going horror thriller, it seems like just another “lost in the Bermuda Triangle” name brand cash-in. And up to the storm-out-of-nowhere that capsizes a sailboat full of screaming people, it was. Then a 1930s ocean liner called the Aeolus (pronounced “Ee-lis”) arrives out of the haze, and the rest becomes one wicked mind warp after another.

Triangle

Time on board the crew-less boat (and in the Bermuda Triangle, which is wisely only implied) has a way of folding on itself. And not just once. People who died aren’t necessarily dead, with some of them getting dead over and over. And over. (There’s one scene that illustrates this to stunning effect, but I won’t spill the beans. Next time I will, though, because I do what I want.)

Triangle

Like a needle stuck on a record, Jess, the movie’s plagued hottie, is caught in a loop that’s pushing her sanity overboard. Where Triangle (the name of the sunk sailboat and movie) goes several steps further is making you believe it’s gonna end, then doesn’t. I counted five more endings, each better than the last.

Triangle

The final 10 minutes are a brilliant swerve and takes things to that sick feeling in your stomach place normally reserved for freshness-expired hot dogs. You can’t predict the outcome, because nobody can. I’d tell you why, but then I’d be sinking to new depths. P.S. I’m not above that, by the way.

Triangle

Take Triangle (2009) for a cruise around (and around) the ocean. You won’t need any life preservers – because there aren’t any. Heh.

Smarty Pants From Outer Space

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , on June 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

This Island Earth

Dr. Cal Meacham is not only a scientist, but a jet pilot so handsome, clouds actually defer to his right of way while he’s in his flying machine.

No wonder Exeter, a fellow alien scientist with a forehead the size of a cow-catcher, wants to recruit Meacham, as well as Dr. Ruth Adams (Meacham’s red hot Bunsen burner from back when) and a bunch of other international smarty pants science guys to join a galaxy super club full of smarty pants science minds.

This Island Earth

Exeter takes them to Metaluna, his home planet, in his sweet ride – a shiny flying saucer with cool knobs and blinky lights.

This Island Earth

Exeter needs Earth’s uranium to help win the war between his planet and those a-hole Zagons, who have been bombarding Metaluna with a rain of explosive meteors. Their world may be doomed, but the Metalunans think they can migrate to Earth, and because they’re smarter than us, make us subjugate our free will. Screw that! Meacham and his good looks aren’t about to let that happen.

This Island Earth

He and doc Ruth make their way back to the saucer and escape the Zagon target practice. Exeter goes with them after a sock to the meteor hole by Meacham gets his priorities straight.

This Island Earth

The I.F.O. (identified flying object) takes off with an extra passenger – a 10-foot tall Mutant creature whose head and face looks like a balloon-sized inside-out brain. He also has extra long pinchy arms. Though the Mutant only makes a cameo (gravity turns him into an interstellar soufflé), he makes a deep impression (mostly on Exeter’s stomach).

This Island Earth

This Island Earth (1954) is an era classic and inventive ’50s sci-fi movie, though it could’ve used more Mutants and Zagons and less Metalunan over-thinking. Still, the saucer was totally badass.

Godzilla Vs. Waffle Iron

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

Dr. Mufane is pissed because the rest of the world’s scientists think he’s a quack and expel him from their Super Fun Think Club. So he teams up with aliens who have dragged MechaGodzilla up from the sea bottom where Godzilla threw it. They rebuild it and gave it cool new weapons, including the fearsome “waffle crisping ray.”

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

Dr. Mufane’s contribution to the “Smoosh Tokyo Protocol” is to electronically control Titanosaurus, a gigantic sea monster that’s normally docile, but gets a little squirrel-y every now and then because hey, sea monster. Assisting is Katsura, his daughter, who is more cyborg than human due to her being killed over and over. One of the benefits of having a science dad, I suppose.

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

The aliens modify Katsura to control Titanosaurus, although they should think twice about trying to tell a chick what to do. Seems the aliens are gooned out that Earthers are polluting the planet at an exponential rate and want to wipe out Tokyo and re-build it as a “green city.” This plan does not meet Godzilla’s eco-concerns, so he gets out of the tub (ocean) and locks it up with Titanosaurus.

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

Godzilla gets his ass kicked, but manages to drive Titanosaurus away with a shot to the sac. Another one in the win column, G’s thinking. Then the aliens send in MechaGodzilla to team up with Titanosaurus and to take Tokyo and Godzilla out for good. This fight sequence is pretty damn hilarious, with Titanosaurus biting Godzilla on the nose and lifting him up in the air and then kicking Big G like a soccer ball over some mountains.

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

Mecha-G blasts a huge crater in the ground and Godzilla is thrown in. Dirt is piled on and Titanosaurus gleefully jumps up and down on Godzilla’s grave, almost as if doing a victory dance. What a dick. But the people of Earth haven’t been sitting around on their fat futons the whole time and discover a way to interrupt Katsura’s supersonic mind beam that controls both Titanosaurus and Mecha-G.

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

Titanosaurus looks like a punk rock sea horse with an orange mohawk. His roar sounds like someone playing the trumpet backwards and he won’t shut up. But you have to give him props – he gives Godzilla a serious run for the belt.

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

The aliens had it all wrong, though; they should’ve combined MechaGodzilla and Titanosaurus and made…Mecha-Tit. (The only way to defeat it would be to disengage its energy strap.) Just thinking out loud.

The Terror of MechaGodzilla

The Terror of MechaGodzilla isn’t one of the better ones in the franchise (it did so poorly upon release in 1975 that they didn’t make another Godzilla movie until 1985). But at the end of the day, few things are as cool as watching giant monsters punch the stinkin’ crap outta each other.

You’re Invisible, Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on June 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Invisible Man

The Invisible Man was released in 1933, a few weeks before the advent of the computer/waffle iron, which means the stunning and quite believable special effects of making a see-through dude were all done by…magic. Yeah, I said it.

The Invisible Man

Dr. Jack Griffin didn’t have a lab with which to work on an antidote for his successful invisibility serum. So he covers himself in bandages (like the Mummy, but more in keeping with the style of the times), and takes a room at an English Inn. It’s here he works day and night to reverse the effects of Monocane™, a new clear liquid energy drink.

The Invisible Man

Like his transparent skin, Jack didn’t see the drug’s side effect: clinical insanity. I suppose if one couldn’t see where to apply sun block, it would tend to unplug the mind. Any attempt to help the unraveling Jack, who goes on a robbing and killing crime spree, makes him more gooned out.

The Invisible Man

Which proposes the question: How DO you catch an invisible man? Shoot him with an air gun? Turn off the lights so he can’t see you, either? Put glue on the floor and when he gets stuck and screams for help, you push him down and beat him with something?

The Invisible Man

The police finally come up with an ingenious solution: shoot at whatever is making those tracks in the snow. In the end, Jack gave his life for science – and his pants to Goodwill™. Because when you’re invisible, clothes don’t make the man.

Invaders – From Mars Of All Places

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , on June 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invaders From Mars

David is a young boy who at night just witnessed a flying saucer land close to his rural country home where he lives with his decade-appropriate hot mom and scientist father. (David was probably drunk.)

Based on his son’s frantic drunken cries, dad goes to investigate, only to get sucked underground. OK, that didn’t sound right. He was sucked into the ground. Much better.

Invaders From Mars

When dad comes back, he’s now a soul-less asshook with strange markings on the back of his neck. Theory: Dad went to a bar, got drunk and wandered into an intergalactic tattoo shop.

Invaders From Mars

David, convinced aliens are behind this personality crisis, manages to get help from a neighbor astronomer and a doctor. Turns out David was somewhat correct; The flying saucer has buried itself in a sand pit near his house and is turning earthlings into mind-controlled asshooks. No biggie – beer’s been doing that for decades.

Invaders From Mars

The army shows up, gets inside the saucer and the battle for humanity begins, with resistant aliens (they look like regular guys, but with bigger eyes) and the master alien, which is little more than a bulbous head attached to what looks like an octopus’ body. And he/it lives in a huge environment-controlled  snow globe.  Planted explosives ensure Earth’s supremacy over octopus space head.

Invaders From Mars

David later wakes up back in bed, only to realize it was all a dream. He looks outside and sees a flying saucer land near his home. WTF? This is why kids shouldn’t eat sugar. Regardless, Invaders From Mars (1953) is a nifty piece of ’50s paranoia dressed up in a science fiction metaphor.