Eight-Legged Snow Monsters

You’d think Ice Spiders (2007), a movie about genetically-supersized spiders skittering across a popular ski mountain, eating people and slicing them in half, would be cool. But like putting your face in a microwave oven, it only sounds cool.

A top secret government lab so secret, they had to make its scientists pinky swear not to tell anyone that they gene-spliced DNA from a prehistoric arachnid into several marketable brands of today spiders and force fed them steroids and cupcakes.

They wanted to harvest the spider’s webbing for new coats that bullets couldn’t perforate. And to pet them with gloves on. They do this at a lab high up in the snow-covered mountains because spiders don’t groove on the cold, and therefore would be contained if one or more should get out.

But these are honkingly big spiders, man, the size of go-karts with eight-wheels – and the cold just makes ’em hungrier. With the grocery store all out of Purina Ice Spider Chow™, these bugs get to buggin’ and go after skiers like they were Gore-tex™ flavored Slim Jims™.

Throw in a limp bacon back story involving a washed up ski instructor (who used to be a marine for 12 years), an Olympic Ski Team up on the mountain to do some two-legged sliding, a mad scientist and some military guys who run around in the snow in T-shirts, and you have a sci-fi movie formula so tiresome, your TV will actually fall asleep while showing it.