Aliens Want To Make Out With You

The Mysterians

The women of Earth are so hot, aliens from other planets want to suck face with them. The Mysterians are one such race of extraterrestrial make-out artists, wanting only two things from us: a small plot of land (which they already took, those butt-heads) and permission to marry – and subsequently put it on the launching pad with – Earth women.

The reason is to keep their race from becoming extinct. But Japanese scientists aren’t about to share Earth booty with these mysterious Mysterians and their multi-colored capes and space motorcycle helmets.

The Mysterians

The visitors warn that their technology is hundreds of years advanced than ours, and that they can easily wipe us out like the arrogant bugs we are. To prove this, they make the ground open up and swallow an entire village. Not cool, guys.

Then a giant robot with a Spy vs. Spy face, pointy hands, and wearing a corrugated metal dress comes out of the side of a mountain and sprays its cartoon ray beams around, making stuff blow up and catch the hell on fire. Once again, not cool.

The Mysterians

Scientists meet with the Mysterians on board their domed spaceship, which looks like a giant plastic golf ball. The discussion is brief – they want some ’o that fine Earth trim. Our skanks aren’t up for grabs, so it’s on. We have to hurry as they already took five of our finest up into their city-buzzing UFOs.

The military bombs the stink outta them, but to no avail. In fact, we’re getting served by their bitch-slap retaliation. Time to switch to Plan B, which is using a bank of death rays that they were saving for Godzilla. As a one/two death punch, the scientists send up a space shuttle that can not only fly, but hover and make smoke happen.

The Mysterians

The attack grows stronger and the aliens relaunch the giant robot. That thing is a total douche and meets its end by falling into a hole it made himself. Ha! The girls are rescued with the help of a handsome scientist (aren’t they all?) who was working to sabotage the Mysterians from the inside. His parting words: “Don’t use science for wrong!” True that.

The Mysterians are handed a good old fashioned Earth whuppin’ and head back into space. Screw them. The 1959 special effects are cheesy, but entertaining. Lots of death rays being traded, but it seemed like there was too much reliance on beams instead of tried and true “my fist, your helmet” action.

The Mysterians

Since you’re writing this all down, the robot was later upgraded and re-used as M.O.G.U.E.R.A. (Mobile Operation Godzilla Universal Expert Robot Aerotype) in Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994). Too many syllables, but hey, if you’re gonna go to all that trouble of making a giant robot with a heavy metal dress, might as well get some mileage out of it.

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