Giant Shark. Giant Octopus. Giant Fun. Kinda.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

The DVD cover of Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus (2009) depicts a giant octopus battling a giant shark while pulling a luxury liner to its new port at the bottom of the ocean. There is no luxury liner in the movie. There’s hardly any mega shark and giant octopus, either. All the cool parts – which add up to barely two minutes onscreen time—were featured in the YouTube™ trailer. (You owe me – I just saved you the $3.99 rental fee.)

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

’80s mall pop star Deborah Gibson, who has more teeth than the mega shark, plays a rule-breaking oceanologist, tracking whales, hammerhead sharks and eels in WTF, Alaska. There, entombed in a glacier, is a Megalodon shark and a giant octopus, frozen in a romantic embrace. Both creatures are the size of Japan, give or take three feet. As soon as the ice breaks (like you didn’t see that coming), both swim away as if momentarily interrupted, even though it’s been thousands of millions of years since catching cold.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

Feeling a bit peckish after his nap, the shark leaps 30,000 feet in the air and chomps on a commercial plane loaded with flavorful passengers. (That part I could believe. What I’m having trouble with is the plane was in the clouds; How could the shark see it? Totally unrealistic.)

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

The shark later bites the Golden Gate™ bridge in half and swallows several Navy warships. Not to be outdone, the giant octopus snacks happily on 35-story deep sea oil rigs loaded with bite-sized humans (think shrieking chocolate chips).

Mega Shark Vs. Giant OctopusThe plan is to lure each beast into a holding area for study purposes: San Francisco Bay for the shark, Tokyo Bay for the octopus. This ends in mixed results (see “bridge chomped in half”). The military plan –conceived by a trash-talkin’, ponytail-sportin’ Lorenzo Lamas, is to blast ’em to Fish ’n Chips Land. That also ends in mixed results. It’s finally decided to lure the two digital monsters together to finish their “tastes great/less filling” argument started back in that Pleistocene epoch tavern.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

With Lorenzo and Deb Deb on board, you know the “acting” and “dialogue” is Z-grade stuff. No one cares, as all we want to see is the shark and octopus biting Texas-sized chunks outta each other. In order to save money, the movie producers use – over and over – two-second footage of the shark zooming in for the mega-munch. Need him to turn left? Flip the film over. The octopus looks like wiggling clay. Megalodon has teeth so white he could be a Crest™spokeshark.

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus

The death battle results in Giant Octo getting two arms bit off. He must be a magical cephalopod because all eight arms were intact when he and M-Don sank to the bottom of the ocean (and continued to sink as the credits rolled – five minutes after they killed each other).

Why do you keep letting me rent these movies? This is ALL your fault, people.

2 Responses to “Giant Shark. Giant Octopus. Giant Fun. Kinda.”

  1. Just re-posted this gnarly sucka onto Horrorpedia whilst re-discovering Revolting Cocks (the band, not some more Romanian tramps new to London). Cheers again for the remit Jeffrey!

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