El Vampiro

El Vampiro

El Vampiro (1057). If five years of online Spanish courses have done their job, that translates to The Vampire. I like El Vampiro better – sounds more foreign, and by extension, exotic in a trailer park way.

El Vampiro

Marta, a young hottie visiting her childhood villa/castle, has two aunts. One is dead. The other is a vampire, made so by the smartly dressed Count Karol de Lavud. He has meticulously combed hair, a stately long black cape, freshly-pressed white shirt, and vampire fangs  about the size, shape and appearance of a cigarette. Can’t tell if those are non-filter fangs, or not.

El Vampiro

Marta’s dead aunt isn’t quite dead, even though they buried her in the family crypt and sealed it up with cement. The other aunt, kind of a cold b*tch at that (“dry your tears, for they are useless…”), is trying to recruit Marta for vampire chow.

El Vampiro

Dr. Enrique, a guest at the house, suspects something is not quite right when Marta, poisoned by her vamp aunt, dies. Rats – he was totally mackin’ on her and looked to be gaining some ground.

El Vampiro

But the poison, which was used on her dead aunt, was only meant to simulate death until the Count could get his fang on. Apparently, it’s against the Laws of Nature to suck the blood of the dead. Besides being plain icky, it tastes like licking copper.

El Vampiro

As somewhat immortal that the Count is, an old woman was able to strangle vampire aunt to death and puncture the Count’s nice shirt. An old woman. Not Van Helsing and his weapons, nor Dr. Enrique who gives the Count’s assistant a good old fashioned beat down.

I will never piss off an old woman from this point on.

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