Archive for April, 2013

The Devil Hides in YOU

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens with tags , , on April 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Where The Devil Hides

Here’s an eye-grabber: the new (as of this writing as it will someday not be new) one-sheet for the upcoming Where The Devil Hides. I don’t have a release date yet, so you might wanna refer to your local community shopper or church.

While the movie’s title suggests a plot, the movie’s plot does even a better job: “There’s a prophecy in the small village of New Bethlehem that on the eve of every girl’s 18th birthday, the devil might inhabit her soul. Now as that day approaches, six girls, all born on the sixth day of the sixth month begin to mysteriously disappear one by one. Could this be the hands of a crazed serial killer, a village elder or the horrific prophecy come true…the work of the devil?”

I’ve formulated my own theories as to WTF. Eighteen year-old girls mysteriously disappearing – two words: Spring Break. The devil might be inhabiting their souls: two words: wine coolers. Crazed serial killer, village elder, horrific prophecy: two words – all of the above. Ahem.

Like I said, just theories. But I couldn’t help but notice similarities to other horror movies of this ilk. (I love that word, ilk. It rhymes with milk. Milk is so good for you. Unless you’re allergic to/don’t dig dairy products. Then you’re leaving the door wide open for the devil to do his dirty work.)

Ninety-nine percent of demonic possession movies more often than not feature women/young girls as portals for said unholy occupancy. And the fashion choice is almost always an old-time-y nightie that could use some pre-stain treatment and some Bounce™. Also, the pre-possession color of their eyes is brown, later turning to red and green with a nice accent pus running out of ’em. And here’s the staggering connection – all the women have boobs. And not boob, as in the one writing this blog, but of the lovely lady lumps nature.

I should totally be a detective.

Space Hugger

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on April 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Running

In the way future, the Earth – over-populated, polluted and probably poisonous – doesn’t have any more vegetation. So its inhabitants, whoever they are, eat processed food squares (I’m guessing Soylent Green™), and drink lunar lemonade (no doubt made with restroom flavorings).

Silent Running

Giant hot house space ships with cool geodesic domes are hanging out next to Saturn, soaking up some rays and growing foliage, fruit, veggies, rabbits, seagulls and stink beetles, for an eventual return to Earth, once they get that whole “polluted” thing straightened out.

Silent Running

In this future there is but one tree hugger left standing, a guy who guards the last living flora and fauna with deadly force, which comes in handy after they are sent orders to blow up the trees and come home after eight years of space gardening.

Silent RunningLowell, the protector of plants, re-pots the ship’s three-man crew, fakes being hurled into Saturn’s toilet ring, and makes for the Milky Way with several robots and his precious cantaloupe.

Even with no lasers or brain-sucking aliens, Silent Running (1972) is oddly riveting. This one-man show (the robots kinda count, but not really) with great visuals and rose bushes, is an ecological moral lesson for us all. Not me, though; I love to chow down on some Soylent Green™.

Shark Sno-Cones

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on April 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Avalanche Sharks

The upcoming (as of this word barfing) Avalanche Sharks is the alleged sequel to Sand Sharks, the gripping and totally realistic (ahem) 2011 drama that had sorta-famous Amazonian Brooke Hogan (daughter of pro wrestling deity Hulk Hogan) trying to stop the bite-y onslaught and getting doused in exploded shark goo in the process.

Sand Sharks

So instead of tourist-soiled beach dirt, Shark Avalanche’s gripping and totally realistic plot places the apex predators in snow. I know EXACTLY what you’re thinking – wasn’t there already a movie using this device called Snow Shark? You are so correct as to be right.

Snow Shark

Snow Shark came out in 2011, and while not nominated for an Academy Award that year (the voting committee needs to suck it), still managed to entertain the sno-cones outta me.

Snow Shark

As if a plot is needed with a title like Avalanche Sharks, here’s what goes down…

“Spring break in the mountains: snowboarding, beer, drunken coeds in bikinis. As the yearly Bikini Ski Day party descends on a small mountain town, something lurks beneath the snow!  When an unwitting rider causes an avalanche, it awakens a huge, menacing, prehistoric Snow Shark! With a newfound taste for human flesh, the Snow Shark picks off the snow bunnies mercilessly! Cut off from help by mountainous terrain and blinding snow, the local sheriff must make an unlikely alliance with a motley crew of snowboarders to take down the Snow Shark before the white hills run red with blood!”

Man, they’re really selling me with the bold use of exclamation points!

Ice Boobies

So drunk college chicks in bikinis playing in the snow, prehistoric sharks that swim/slide in the snow, and a motley crew of snowboarders taking it up the half-pipe in the snow, where the snow sharks swim/slide. And in-between…lots and lots of yellow snow.

I’m somehow OK with all of this.

A Giant Octopus That Doesn’t Grab You

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on April 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tentacles

Dang it, why did they make a Jaws (1975) photocopy (Tentacles /1977) featuring a giant flesh-eating octopus and have it suck?

Tentacles

Sure, Tentacles showed promise at the beginning when a loaded baby carriage was suddenly snatched from its thought-safe proximity on land (but next to water). But from there it turns into suck.

Tentacles

And the octopus itself looked like a rubber toy (not unlike the one I have in my bathtub) shot up close and wiggled menacingly. I have something I’d like to wiggle menacingly at the makers of this insult to all things aquatically gigantic.

Tentacles

The ONLY thing cool about this time-waster is that it was titled Der Polyp in Germany. I really wanted Der Polyp to not suck. Man, I am so unhappy right now.

Supergator Is Neither

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on April 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Supergator

A rogue crocodile cross-bred with a dinosaur. In theory this should’ve been an Academy Award nominee. So how could the producer fumble the ball so badly? First, they made Supergator look like a Velociraptor with a stretchy face. (Come to think of it, Supergator looks suspiciously like Dinocroc…) Secondly, Supergator does NOT have an “S” emblem on his chest or a cape. Another FAIL.

Supergator

And how is it Supergator can swallow people whole or bite them in half with one chomp, but for the close-ups he’s chewing on his dinner victims as though they were screaming marshmallows? Don’t tell me he was savoring them.

Supergator

A team of mismatched scientists head to Hawaii to study the impending eruption of a volcano that’s been spewing digital smoke since the beginning of the movie. Elsewhere, a drunk big game hunter has been hired to shoot the marauding beast by the scientists that did the DNA spit swap (ala, Jurassic Park/1993) and made Supergator the super dork that he is today.

Supergator

Further elsewhere, string bikini-clad supermodels with pontoon-sized attributes and stoned high school guys are out in the woods acting their brains out so that Supergator has something to do/swallow before the grand finale.

Supergator

And speaking of, at this point they should’ve called it Land Jaws because there’s an island dance festival with lots of tourists that the local promoter won’t cancel because he doesn’t believe in Supergator. That’s OK, pal, because Supergator doesn’t NEED you to believe in him. He just needs you to taste good.

Supergator

Lots of screaming, chomping, swallowing, rinsing, lathering, repeating. Most everybody gets eaten and propane containers used to fire up the fake dance festival papier-mâché volcano come in handy when the movie runs outta gas. Dumb, clichéd, boring – Supergator (2007) is so bad, I could’ve written it. And that’s what hurts the most because I really wanted to rub this in the faces of my peers. Now they’re just gonna keep teasing me and stealing my lunch money.

Thanks for stupid nothing, stupid Supergator.

Shockingly Shockless

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , on April 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shock

Shock is a 1977 Italian horror flick about a newly re-married mom with an out-of-control red-headed 7 year-old son, who could use a good swat on the back of the pants. The husband, an airline pilot, has a moustache. Other than that, I don’t know anything else about him.

Shock

They move back into the house where re-mom suffered a nervous breakdown and had to go in the loony bin for a while. Her first husband was a heroin addict and killed himself in front of her. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Shock

Upon settling in, the young son starts making evil faces and saying stuff like, “I’m going to kill you, mommy.” Someone is just asking to be sent to his room. While dad is off flying the friendly skies, mom is starting to re-unravel over her son’s behavior and ghostly incidents, like the piano playing itself. Most of the bad juju, though, seems to emanate from the basement. So hey, why not go down there?

Shock

Mom’s psychedelic nightmares, while pretty neato, are getting worse in relation to her son’s ability to communicate with the dead. This results in a lot of screaming. And an axe to someone’s back. The “dark mystery” isn’t so hard to figure out, and the ghost stuff is second rate. (A swing outside going back and forth with no one on it? Yep, chilled me to the bone.)

Shock

I suppose all of this was considered shocking back in 1977. But to us future people, it’s just more of the same stuff we see on the daily news.

A Virgin Vs. The Living Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , on April 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Virgin Among The Living Dead

A Virgin Among The Living Dead is certainly a tantalizing title. But with the exception of a LOT of top to bottom(less) nudity, that’s about the best thing in this 1973 foreign insomnia cure.

A Virgin Among The Living Dead

With no sub-titles to indicate who is the naked protagonist and who is naked antagonist, as far as I could figure out the young, nubile and very attractive with/without her clothes, Cristina Reiner arrives at her father’s country castle (split-level with extra trimmings) for the reading of his will. Seems dad hung himself to death. Don’t know why – I couldn’t understand the French/Spanish/whatever language they were speaking. For all I know, dad might’ve left me the family hanging rope in his will.

A Virgin Among The Living Dead

Much to her surprise (which eventually shocks the clothes off her), Cristina discovers her entire family is there, waiting out the impending bucket kick of her stepmother. (Step-mom is a bitch. Yeah, I said it.)

A Virgin Among The Living Dead

But the family members are of the goon out variety – they look like death warmed over and reenact G-rated satanic sex rituals. This is due to the fact they’re already dead, but kinda sorta living. And dad, bless his well-hung heart, keeps reappearing to and fro, with the rope still around his neck. That he was dressed to kill at the time he went out swinging, means he wears two ties. And rather handsomely, I might add.

A Virgin Among The Living Dead

No thrills or thrilling sex or anything that would keep your finger off the fast forward button, just the frequent disrobing of all the female family members. Except mom. (Once you see her, you’ll know why dad hung himself.) And the supermodel worthy Cristina, like all European women, let hair grow abundantly in all zip codes. But hey, she’s a knockout, so get over it.

Russian Shapeshifter

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , on April 10, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shapeshifter

The Russian mob has a flesh-eating demon in their employ. Yeah, right – like there’s such a thing as a “Russian mob.”

When one of their criminal buddies gets thrown in an American jail with only three guards on duty (one of whom, strategically, is a supermodel and new to the job), the Russians send their demon stateside to spring him out. But how the freakin’ hell how?

Shapeshifter

Here’s where the shape-shifting part comes in. The demon morphs into a regular guy with an irregular tattoo on his chest. The cops think he’s a bum and throw him in the exact same jail as the Russian mobster. Whew – that saved a LOT of time.

Shapeshifter

Once inside he/it starts eating a hole in his own arm, taking time to completely chew every bite thoroughly so as to not get a tummy ache. Halfway through the lip-smackin’ epidermis he hits pay dirt: an amulet that allows him to shift shapes, in this case a steroided muscle monster with an insatiable appetite for fresh organ meat.

Shapeshifter

By the time two prison guards are consumed the remaining half-dozen inmates attempt an escape with the help of the supermodel guard, who just happens to know how to get out through the maze of abandoned (!) floors and onto the roof. That she does this in a form-fitting tank top merely adds tension to the plot.

Shapeshifter

So how come there were only three guards on duty and no one else? And how come there were only a handful of criminals in a jail big enough to hold at least three handfuls? And how come the demon wasn’t read his Miranda Rights before being tossed in the clink?

It’s plot holes like this that just ruin a good flesh-eating story. P.S. Shapeshifter (2005)

You Don’t Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , on April 9, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Route 666

Transporting a government-protected witness across the Arizona desert, Federal Marshall Lou Diamond Phillips takes a shortcut off Route 66 to get away from mobsters looking to insert bullet holes in his client. Problem is, the shortcut road – Route 666 – is haunted by the dead souls of four convicts murdered by a renegade cop who was just trying to save taxpayers some money.

Route 666

Three decades ago they were on road clean-up detail and someone tried escaping, which made the cops perturbed and/or slightly miffed. Next thing you know, the prisoners are being paved into the road itself. So here comes Lou, and guess what – one of the roadkill zombies is his dad! What are the freakin’ odds?

Route 666

Zombie dad looks disgruntled, no doubt from being gypped out of 30 years worth of Father’s Day neckties and aftershave. The other dead also look like their faces are made of asphalt, all dried up and skid-marked, kinda like Ben Grimm of the Fantastic Four™, but black instead of orange. (OK, burnt sienna. Geez.)

Route 666

Route 666 (2001) takes several flinchy turns with people being shot, punched, shot again, sworn at, fingers slammed in car doors and torsos jack-hammered by the road zombies looking to get the job done.

Route 666

It was okay enough up to the end, but the filmmakers blew it by having Lou making “contact” with asphalt dad, who, in a cornball moment, saves his son’s bacon from the bacon-eating zombies. At the end of the road, too many potholes in the script keep Route 666 out of the passing lane.

Knocked Up By Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , on April 7, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Progeny

Progeny (1998) is YET ANOTHER “alien impregnation” flick, this time centering around a doctor who discovers his expecting wife is carrying a multi-tentacled rug rat in her “open for business” uterus.

Time frozen and abducted in the middle of doing it, the couple awakens two hours later to discover something is “not quite right.” (Yeah, like maintaining a chub for two hours is “right.”)

Progeny

Recurrent nightmares, mood swings and problems at work only complicate matters. Normally this is blamed on alcohol, but when the wife goes to the obstetrician (what a job – women pay you to look up their Devil’s chute!) – the horrifying truth is revealed. All of this moves about as fast as a stoned turtle until the finale when the doctor (assisted by Brad Dourif as a UFO expert) slices his wife open (womb-with-a-view – heh!) to abort the entity.

Progeny

The squirmy fetus pulls a disappearing act and the doctor, spending too much time poking through his patient’s innards like he was looking for a can opener in a kitchen drawer, inadvertently kills the mother of this otherworldly octopus offspring.

Progeny

Decent creature effects, some slippery guts and a soft-R sex scene that could’ve been in E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982). Takes a while to get going, though, which gives you plenty of time to abduct a beer.