Archive for April, 2013

’80s “Slash Her”

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on April 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slumber Party Massacre II

A cute blonde rocker girl in an all-cute girl rock band is relentlessly pursued by a pre-mayonaisse weight gain Andrew Dice Clay look-alike who plays a guitar resembling a Swiss™ army knife. He wants to give her lessons…in dying. (Wonder what key that’s in?)

Slumber Party Massacre II

The girls head out for a relaxing weekend at a rented condo to play their instruments and their boyfriends’ instruments. But Courtney (the aforementioned blonde rocker) is having nightmares about her sister in that mental institution who keeps warning her about having unsafe sex. It doesn’t take long for the nightmares to become real.

Slumber Party Massacre II

But you gotta like her enthusiasm for the band. Says her, “Someday we’re gonna be in movies and rock videos and everything, because my song is gonna be a hit just as soon as I finish writing it. And I’m gonna finish it this weekend, for sure!”

Slumber Party Massacre II

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) is crap slasher horror crap with economically-clad women who couldn’t tell the difference between a G-string and a g-string. Best scene: The pillow fight. There’s ALWAYS an exception to the rule.

Japanese Porn Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on April 20, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman

Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman (2007) is a sorta porno lite movie dressed up as a Japanese horror flick. I see nothing in my liberal upbringing that has an issue with that.

The slit-mouthed woman is one of those Ringu (1998) type ghosts with long stringy black hair, bulging eyeballs and, in this case, a mouth that opens wider than usual. SMW is the daughter of a politician, and who gets involved with a married man, rebuffed, then distraughtly rams her car into a steel pole pointing towards her face.

Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman

Taken to a cosmetic surgery hospital, the doctors can fix everything except her cracked coconut. Still stinging from being dumped (and those painful face Band-Aids™), she commits suicide – and the hospital room where she freshness-expired is sealed. After doctors and nurses later turn up missing there’s no one left to run the joint, so they shut the damned place down.

Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman

This leaves the abandoned hospital open to horny couples wanting a few minutes of uninterrupted romantic power mattressing in a sterile setting. Anyone making the sign of the humpback whale causes Slitty to walk out from a dark corner and scare the pants back on you.

Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman

Ghost gal doesn’t really do anything else except look frightful. The thing that’ll goon you out more than the slit-mouthed woman herself is watching horny people kiss. Their tongues look like two slugs fighting over whatever slugs eat. So revolting, it’ll actually make you lose your taste for slimy bananas. Don’t let it – bananas are good for you.

Shark Weak

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on April 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Week

You don’t have to read the credits of the embarrassingly stupid Shark Week (2012) to know it was produced by The Asylum (aka, The Global Asylum), a “film” studio whose endlessly plagiaristic product is globally recognized as being embarrassingly stupid.

Besides wreaking of Syfy Channel™, the stupidity starts with a variety of sharks – from two weeks old to not-so-Great White – rounded up and chowing down on eight humans targeted for revenge by a millionaire whose son, Millionaire, Jr., died because of all of them.

Shark Week

The “sharks” are poorly rendered digital debacles. They roar and growl. Underwater. Whenever I try to do that, I need CPR. The little sharks, still sporting baby teeth, manage to swarm and shred body parts in attack sequences that are so ineptly choreographed, you’d swear the “film” editor needs CPR.

So this millionaire has these five guys and three gals kidnapped and brought to his island getaway, 100 miles south of Florida. Chained and ready for swimming lessons, the rules are simple – find a way through the sharks in water-filled underground passageways and caves to the other side of the island, and you get to live. And if the sharks don’t digitally get you, the digital beach land mines will.

Shark Week

Of the 87 scenes that make you wish you were watching paint dry, it’s the one where one of the survivors (for now) has a thrashing shark lifted out of the water on the end of a harpoon, while another guy punches it over and over. And over.

Speaking of over, how did Shark Week end? Not pleasantly for you OR me.

The Devil Hides in YOU

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens with tags , , on April 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Where The Devil Hides

Here’s an eye-grabber: the new (as of this writing as it will someday not be new) one-sheet for the upcoming Where The Devil Hides. I don’t have a release date yet, so you might wanna refer to your local community shopper or church.

While the movie’s title suggests a plot, the movie’s plot does even a better job: “There’s a prophecy in the small village of New Bethlehem that on the eve of every girl’s 18th birthday, the devil might inhabit her soul. Now as that day approaches, six girls, all born on the sixth day of the sixth month begin to mysteriously disappear one by one. Could this be the hands of a crazed serial killer, a village elder or the horrific prophecy come true…the work of the devil?”

I’ve formulated my own theories as to WTF. Eighteen year-old girls mysteriously disappearing – two words: Spring Break. The devil might be inhabiting their souls: two words: wine coolers. Crazed serial killer, village elder, horrific prophecy: two words – all of the above. Ahem.

Like I said, just theories. But I couldn’t help but notice similarities to other horror movies of this ilk. (I love that word, ilk. It rhymes with milk. Milk is so good for you. Unless you’re allergic to/don’t dig dairy products. Then you’re leaving the door wide open for the devil to do his dirty work.)

Ninety-nine percent of demonic possession movies more often than not feature women/young girls as portals for said unholy occupancy. And the fashion choice is almost always an old-time-y nightie that could use some pre-stain treatment and some Bounce™. Also, the pre-possession color of their eyes is brown, later turning to red and green with a nice accent pus running out of ’em. And here’s the staggering connection – all the women have boobs. And not boob, as in the one writing this blog, but of the lovely lady lumps nature.

I should totally be a detective.

Space Hugger

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on April 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Running

In the way future, the Earth – over-populated, polluted and probably poisonous – doesn’t have any more vegetation. So its inhabitants, whoever they are, eat processed food squares (I’m guessing Soylent Green™), and drink lunar lemonade (no doubt made with restroom flavorings).

Silent Running

Giant hot house space ships with cool geodesic domes are hanging out next to Saturn, soaking up some rays and growing foliage, fruit, veggies, rabbits, seagulls and stink beetles, for an eventual return to Earth, once they get that whole “polluted” thing straightened out.

Silent Running

In this future there is but one tree hugger left standing, a guy who guards the last living flora and fauna with deadly force, which comes in handy after they are sent orders to blow up the trees and come home after eight years of space gardening.

Silent RunningLowell, the protector of plants, re-pots the ship’s three-man crew, fakes being hurled into Saturn’s toilet ring, and makes for the Milky Way with several robots and his precious cantaloupe.

Even with no lasers or brain-sucking aliens, Silent Running (1972) is oddly riveting. This one-man show (the robots kinda count, but not really) with great visuals and rose bushes, is an ecological moral lesson for us all. Not me, though; I love to chow down on some Soylent Green™.

Shark Sno-Cones

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on April 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Avalanche Sharks

The upcoming (as of this word barfing) Avalanche Sharks is the alleged sequel to Sand Sharks, the gripping and totally realistic (ahem) 2011 drama that had sorta-famous Amazonian Brooke Hogan (daughter of pro wrestling deity Hulk Hogan) trying to stop the bite-y onslaught and getting doused in exploded shark goo in the process.

Sand Sharks

So instead of tourist-soiled beach dirt, Shark Avalanche’s gripping and totally realistic plot places the apex predators in snow. I know EXACTLY what you’re thinking – wasn’t there already a movie using this device called Snow Shark? You are so correct as to be right.

Snow Shark

Snow Shark came out in 2011, and while not nominated for an Academy Award that year (the voting committee needs to suck it), still managed to entertain the sno-cones outta me.

Snow Shark

As if a plot is needed with a title like Avalanche Sharks, here’s what goes down…

“Spring break in the mountains: snowboarding, beer, drunken coeds in bikinis. As the yearly Bikini Ski Day party descends on a small mountain town, something lurks beneath the snow!  When an unwitting rider causes an avalanche, it awakens a huge, menacing, prehistoric Snow Shark! With a newfound taste for human flesh, the Snow Shark picks off the snow bunnies mercilessly! Cut off from help by mountainous terrain and blinding snow, the local sheriff must make an unlikely alliance with a motley crew of snowboarders to take down the Snow Shark before the white hills run red with blood!”

Man, they’re really selling me with the bold use of exclamation points!

Ice Boobies

So drunk college chicks in bikinis playing in the snow, prehistoric sharks that swim/slide in the snow, and a motley crew of snowboarders taking it up the half-pipe in the snow, where the snow sharks swim/slide. And in-between…lots and lots of yellow snow.

I’m somehow OK with all of this.

A Giant Octopus That Doesn’t Grab You

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on April 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tentacles

Dang it, why did they make a Jaws (1975) photocopy (Tentacles /1977) featuring a giant flesh-eating octopus and have it suck?

Tentacles

Sure, Tentacles showed promise at the beginning when a loaded baby carriage was suddenly snatched from its thought-safe proximity on land (but next to water). But from there it turns into suck.

Tentacles

And the octopus itself looked like a rubber toy (not unlike the one I have in my bathtub) shot up close and wiggled menacingly. I have something I’d like to wiggle menacingly at the makers of this insult to all things aquatically gigantic.

Tentacles

The ONLY thing cool about this time-waster is that it was titled Der Polyp in Germany. I really wanted Der Polyp to not suck. Man, I am so unhappy right now.