The Jersey Devil: One Horn-y Dude

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil

Taking liberal liberties with the TRUE story of the Jersey Devil, a series of vicious murders (i.e., bodily dismemberments, decapitations, torn shirts) plague the spooky Pine Barrens in New Jersey. (There’s a new Jersey?). A special investigator from the city is sent to check out that action and discovers the Jersey Devil is an actuality, versus someone going around acting like the Jersey Devil.

Cliff Robertson (Spider-Man’s uncle, sportin’ some terrifying hair plugs) playing the creepy Mr. Shroud, is a “naturalist” who lives in the middle of the Pine Barrens and studies all of nature’s gangstas – and he’ll protect them “at all costs.” His words, not mine.

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil

The Jersey Devil (named Bruno – I am so not making that up) is reputed to be the 13th child of a Shaman, who clearly used Viagra™ instead of magic or cold booze to get baker’s dozen busy. Having an Indian “witch doctor” for a dad may account for Bruno’s supernatural aspects: glowing eyes (no big – mine glow after three PBR™ tallboys), mega bull horns like that Darkness dude in Legend (1985), and the ability to fly. (Jersey doesn’t get any air time this time, though.)

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil Here’s where mythos goes off the track. The REAL Jersey Devil was the 13th child of a freakishly fertile white chick in 1735. Upon finding out she was knocked up with no. 12, she said she’d rather have the Devil’s child than another squalling brat. Ask and ye shall receive.

This Jersey Devil is a 200 year-old hybrid of spiders, bats, snakes, goats, bears and the Alien (that’s what it looked like to me, anyway). Uncomfortably unnecessary segments include two teens trying to accomplish naked what clothes have been preventing them from doing, and Robert Guillaume (TV’s Benson) as an inmate at the New Jersey Mental Health Institution (there’s an oxymoron), who knows Jersey’s secret and somehow transports out of his confines to show up at the last minute to “save the girl,” the aforementioned special agent.

13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil

Endless plodding and plot-stalling are but one of 13 reasons 13th Child: Legend of the Jersey Devil (2002) needs to go back to the Pine Barrens and try to be more like the REAL Jersey Devil. I’d list the other 12 reasons, but my glowing eyes are bothering me right now.

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