Shark Weak

Shark Week

You don’t have to read the credits of the embarrassingly stupid Shark Week (2012) to know it was produced by The Asylum (aka, The Global Asylum), a “film” studio whose endlessly plagiaristic product is globally recognized as being embarrassingly stupid.

Besides wreaking of Syfy Channel™, the stupidity starts with a variety of sharks – from two weeks old to not-so-Great White – rounded up and chowing down on eight humans targeted for revenge by a millionaire whose son, Millionaire, Jr., died because of all of them.

Shark Week

The “sharks” are poorly rendered digital debacles. They roar and growl. Underwater. Whenever I try to do that, I need CPR. The little sharks, still sporting baby teeth, manage to swarm and shred body parts in attack sequences that are so ineptly choreographed, you’d swear the “film” editor needs CPR.

So this millionaire has these five guys and three gals kidnapped and brought to his island getaway, 100 miles south of Florida. Chained and ready for swimming lessons, the rules are simple – find a way through the sharks in water-filled underground passageways and caves to the other side of the island, and you get to live. And if the sharks don’t digitally get you, the digital beach land mines will.

Shark Week

Of the 87 scenes that make you wish you were watching paint dry, it’s the one where one of the survivors (for now) has a thrashing shark lifted out of the water on the end of a harpoon, while another guy punches it over and over. And over.

Speaking of over, how did Shark Week end? Not pleasantly for you OR me.

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