Really Boring Zombies. Really.

Edge of Darkness

Zombies can only do two things: eat as much as they want and never gain any weight, and take over the world. As always and forever, the undead roam the Earth while survivors try and not to look like food. Don’t worry – if a zombie eats you, it won’t need to hit the gym due to ingesting your saturated fat ass.

Edge of Darkness

The hungry zombie in the hopelessly generically titled Edges of Darkness (2009), are “conveniently” exploited in three stories here: a hot chick with a sour attitude, who searches for additional survivors and packs a lot of heat (both ammo and fashion sense); a young, foul-mouthed African-American couple who are really vampires looking for human food as well as the zombies; and another young couple, one a computer nerd, the other a needy, whiny Jewish princess.

How are these elements related? They aren’t. And how satisfying is it to have the plot jump around with little regard to scripting feng shui? Not at all.

Edge of Darkness

The vampire couple find a hot chick and bring her home to feed on. They have to take only a little fun gulps at a time because human blood is scarce, and zombie blood makes them gassy. This gal’s secret weapon is that her blood is somehow tainted. Probably with poison or something.

The computer nerd enhances his PC with a unique upgrade that turns the machine into a life-form that sprouts vine-like tendrils and sucks the “power source” out of humans. This, by the way, is the very definition of pointless.

Edge of Darkness

The survivalist supermodel, who earlier rescued an African-American mom and her 10 year-old son, finds out the kid is actually the Anti-Christ and that some Holy guys are after him as much as the zombies. Now would be a good time to go, “Huh?”

Edge of Darkness

The initial flesh-eating sequence is like watching a 50%-off sale at a cannibal butcher shop. But subsequent zombie action takes a back eat, uh seat, to these bone-headed plot elements. And why there’s no nudity is both depressing and disappointing.

Edge of Darkness

Yeah, the zombies finally break into the apartment building where all the talk-talk is going on. But by then it’s too late, as you’ve already eaten your own flesh to keep from falling asleep waiting for something to happen that wasn’t totally stupid. (Hint: smear some butter or jelly on your arm first – it’s not half bad.)

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