Swampy Horror

Man-Thing

Swamp Thing should get his attorneys to sue for identity theft. There is only one king of the bayou, and it ain’t Man-Thing, a swampy monster based on a Marvel™ comic and not real life, as it should be.

Now that I got that off my root system, an oil tycoon bought up all the prime gator infested swamp real estate in order to drill for oil. This is odd because the swamp water already looks and smells like oil, but people still swim in it and regard it as sacred stink water as deemed by the local Seminole Indians.

Man-Thing

A new sheriff in town (you can tell he comes from the city because his uniform smells like Bounce™) is sent in to replace the previously living chief that was lost to the “dark water.” The more the sheriff investigates, the more people die, including an in-bred couple of trouble-making brothers, one of whom takes a crap out in the open, then proceeds to slip and fall in it. (They should use that on all Louisiana travel brochures.)

Man-Thing

After several more bodies pop up, the local coroner claims them all death by croc, despite the green stuff leaking out of puncture wounds that match the size of the holes in non-floating canoes. So everyone sensibly goes wading into the swamp at night where everything is Matrix-green colored and ambient foggy, only to bump branches with Mr. Stick.

Man-Thing

Man-Thing is 15 feet tall and looks like a seaweed version of that dreadlock thing the Predator wears on his head. M-Thing has glowing red eyes and vibrates. All these clues indicate he may not be a mythological creature, but rather a gigantic personal comfort device.

Man-Thing

At the end of Man-Thing (2005), the right people get killed, the smooth-smelling sheriff gets the girl, the oil drilling is stopped and area crocodiles can go back to doing what they do best, which is to motivate the Louisiana Bayou Swim Team.

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