Archive for February, 2013

Planet of the Dinosaurs

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , on February 18, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Dinosaurs

After their onboard nuclear reactor “runs wild,” a crew of nine stylish astronauts crash land their space ship on a planet that looks surprisingly like Earth. In fact, the air, water and landscape is so similar as to border on plagiarism. But being sued for planetary copyright infringement is the least of these space travelers’ headaches as this world is inhabited by stop-motion dinosaurs. Yes, inhabited.

Planet of the Dinosaurs

Attempting to retrieve the distress signal box from the middle of the lake they ended up in, a female astronaut – conveniently wearing a swimsuit bikini underneath her space clothes (which look like they were picked up on sale at a Star Trek rummage sale) – is eaten by some sort of Watersaur. That sucks, as she was kinda hot.

Planet of the Dinosaurs

The rest head for higher ground to avoid becoming walking food for the land monsters. That’s pretty much the entire plot. There’s a T-Rex that eats anything in its path, so they figure if it can be stopped, they can get down to the task of building a new civilization (i.e., breeding).

Planet of the Dinosaurs

But first one of the male astronauts has a surprise: he’s been picking berries and, through the miracle of time-lapse physics, has been fermenting them over the course of the last 24 hours and makes booze. Everyone gets drunk, starts dancing, singing and massaging each other and eating dino-s’mores, all the while hiding safely behind their “stockade,” a wall consisting of sticks to keep the prehistoric beasts out.

Planet of the Dinosaurs

A few more people get eaten, arguments ensue as to the dubious nature of the captain’s leadership skills and the weapons they make out of rocks and sticks just aren’t working out like it does in the movies.

Planet of the Dinosaurs

That Planet of the Dinosaurs was made in 1978 means all the male astronauts look like Starsky and Hutch, with future moustaches, sideburns and disco hair. One even has a beard so thick it threatens to overtake his face. Another pumped-up musclenaut takes off his shirt in the early part of the movie and doesn’t put it back on for the rest of his life.

Planet of the Dinosaurs

Lots of aching dialogue, but a favorite came when they were foraging for food: “What are we…raccoons?” The final scene shows the New World people as having built a damn, windmill and townhouse. That they haven’t constructed a 7-Eleven™ means they weren’t much more evolved than the dinosaurs.

Pumpkinhead: Vegetable Gone Wild

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , on February 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pumpkinhead

Ed Harley and his young son operate a run-down roadside store that sells licorice and gunpowder. Some teens heading up to a cabin in the nearby woods stop by for some licorice and gunpowder.

Pumpkinhead

While Ed’s out making a delivery (probably licorice and gunpowder), the teens accidentally kill his kid with a motorcycle to the head. They say they’re sorry, but it just didn’t seem like they meant it. So they take off and hide out in the cabin.

Pumpkinhead

Ed is mega-distraught and heart grows darky dark. It’s at this crucial juncture in life he goes to see Haggis, the stink witch who lives deep in the woods and hasn’t brushed her teeth in 40 years. She’s also the keeper of Pumpkinhead, a hellish revenge delivery system. Haggis warns Ed there’s a terrible price to pay for invoking P-head, but he can’t hear her because his grief is too loud.

Pumpkinhead

So Pumpkinhead is grown in the patch via witchy powers and gets his revenge on. He/it looks awesome – 10 feet tall, long skeletal legs, a pumpkin-esque head, a whiplash tail, scratchy claws and that eerie hissing sound. (Think Satan’s car tire with a slow leak.) Pumpkinhead won’t eat your brains if you’re not on his “things to kill today” list, but if you get in his way, you’re a small credit at the end of the film.

Pumpkinhead

Nothing can stop Pumpy until everyone is made into pie filling. But Ed Harley, realizing the horrific ramifications of his vengeance, tries to call it off. Yeah – that’ll happen. When Pumpkinhead kills someone, Ed sees and feels it. In other words, they’re joined at the kinetic groin. To stop Pumpkinhead one has to kill Ed Harley. Don’t quit your day job, Ed.

Pumpkinhead

As remorseless killing machines go, Pumpkinhead (1988) became an instant killer horror icon classic, right up there with Jaws, the Amazing Colossal Man and Arnold Ziffel. So next time you wanna invoke pure evil as a means for revenge, just remember – Pumpkinhead pie is a dish best served cold. I don’t know what that means. It just seemed somehow appropriate.

Monster Bacon

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , on February 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Razorback

Something in the Australian Outback (the country, not the faux restaurant) is eating the babies. Yeah, I thought it might be dingoes, too. But this time it’s a Volkswagon™-sized wild boar, or “razorback.” And this pig has HUGE freakin’ tusks. Not corny ones, but enamel befitting an anatomically-proportioned porker.

This hungry monster crashed into a guy’s house and dragged his flavorful grandson off to be eaten alive. (We won’t be letting grandpa do anymore baby-sitting.) No one in the small town of Granulla believes grandpa’s story. I totally do.

Razorback

Enter Beth Williams, a journalist sent to investigate poachers killing local wildlife (kangaroos) to be ground up, seasoned and sold as pet food. When Beth goes missing, her American husband travels to Australia to find her. (Was she eaten by a huge hog or done in by the poachers whose whole livelihood depends on blasting the heads off roos?) Grim doesn’t begin to describe what he finds.

Razorback

Dicko (heh) and Benny – the poachers – are scum of the earth and know something about Beth’s disappearance. They don’t brush their teeth, so they can’t be trusted.

Razorback

When everyone eventually comes face-to-tusk with the monster razorback, the pet food hits the fan, as indicated when a barking dog, chained to house, is taken by Porky in the night – and the whole side of the house is ripped clean off! I deem this to be quite excellent.

You might think Razorback (1984), a movie about a giant people-chomping pig, is somewhat ludicrous. But then you’d be wrong.

Pagan Wee Wee God

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Slashers with tags , , , on February 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rawhead Rex

If you’re gonna dig up a mysterious stone column that looks like a grey hot dog sticking straight up out of your rural Irish tree stump farm, make sure there’s not a pagan god imprisoned under it. Once the column/hot dog was removed, so follows the people who live around there.

Rawhead Rex

Rawhead Rex (great punk rock name) is the God-hating, blasphemous entity who looks like a Goth warrior, has heavy metal tiger teeth, a mullet, and decapitates people. He also pees on Men of the Cloth. Too bad they aren’t Men of the Sponge – Rawhead Rex packs an extremely full bladder.

Rawhead Rex

The plan is to get Rawhead Rex back underground. That’s a good plan. A war between RR and the cops at a local church has the collection plate being filled with blood, bullets and “holy sh*t!”

Rawhead Rex

Rawhead Rex (1986) is a cool monster, although they really don’t give us any of his family history and why he has anger issues with organized religion. Guess it really doesn’t matter, just as long as he doesn’t pee on you. I get the whole decapitation thing, but going Number One on somebody is just plain disgusting.

Apartment Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , on February 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Sentinel

1977’s The Sentinel insists that there must forever be a guardian at the Gates of Hell. I’m cool with that. Wonder how much the job pays?

The Sentinel

Alison Parker is a New York fashion model who has just rented a Brooklyn brownstone apartment for a screaming deal. Her neighbors are lesbians who diddle themselves in front of her, dead old men who walk out of closets wearing nothing but diapers, and a blind priest with zombie eyes. But hey, what a view!

The Sentinel

Alison, despite the sweet digs, is having trouble sleeping and keeps having flashbacks of her two previous attempts at suicide. Her neurosis is further amped when he learns that the building is landlorded by the Catholic church (they do good work), and that the entire place is in reality the entrance to Hell.

The sentinel

In order to pay for the sin of trying to kill herself, she is relegated to become the new Sentinel, the one who sits in the attic upstairs and keeps demons from crossing into the real world where other demons are already holding down day jobs. Think of her as the Border Patrol.

The Sentinel

Hell’s minions try and get her to commit suicide, thereby unlocking the door. Great scare jumps, the freaky damned (the ghouls that wander around make your brownstone that particular color), and diddling lesbians.

I wish my neighbors were that cool.

The Ultimate Headache

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on February 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scanners

In Scanners (1981) there’s a bunch of telepathic guys who can take over your body with their minds. That’s just one of their tricks. They can make your head explode as though filled with multi-colored goo.

First you get a headache, then your nose begins to bleed red stuff, then your head starts to swell up like a balloon ate too much air, then ka-BOOM!

Scanners

Dr. Ruth (not that old withered sex therapist, but a scientist) works for the ConSec Corporation and wants to track these head-bursters down and convince them to be exploited for profit.

Scanners

Not all Scanners are bad, so a wussy Scanner is sent into the bad Scanner’s underground clubhouse to learn their agenda. And what he finds is a group of world mad telepaths that want to ka-BOOM the world, one noggin at a time.

Scanners

Problem with telepaths, though, is they can read your mind, and the head (sorry) Scanner faces off with the nice Scanner in a scene where they unleash both their head ka-BOOMING on each other. It’s like a sword fight with think swords.

Scanners

While we do get to see a few heads go splat, it’s this final scene that’s legendary, what with all the popping of veins, the glowing of eyes, the smoking of orifices, the swelling of craniums… Even with all the plot getting in the way of the movie, it’s still pretty cool. Tylenol™ should’ve sponsored this sci-fi head-slapper.

Topless Vampire Samurai

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , on February 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shira: Vampire Samurai

Back in ancient Japan, at possibly 1:15PM in the afternoon, the sexy Shira was attacked by ninja vampires and bitten. She doesn’t want to become one of those types of people, so she commits Hari Kari and stabs her stomach with her own dagger. (Like any medical insurance plan is gonna cover that.)

By doing so, she interrupts the vamping process and dies, yet doesn’t. Instead, she comes back as a half-human/half-vampire hybrid. She then trains under a Samurai master to perfect her stabbing skills in order to rid humanity of neck-suckers.

Shira: Vampire Samurai

Fast forward to, I don’t know, today. Shira wears shiny latex and poses as a stripper in order to get closer to Kristof, the king vampire. I’m thinkin’ this ain’t such a good idea as he wants to mate with her (who wouldn’t want to mate with someone in the arts?) to create a Day Walker super vampire that will eventually bite everyone in the world. Their necks, too.

Adrian Zmed (how the heck do you get a last name like that?) plays the heavily-accented, over-acting Kristof, sounding like a K-Mart™ version of Antonio Banderas.

Shira: Vampire Samurai

Shira is about five-feet tall and has boob-displaying sex with a human that’s seven-feet tall, sporting an unbuttoned shirt and letting his Gold’s Gym™ muscles show. Oh, and he wears contemporary shiny rap chains. Very hip and stylish for a white guy.

Shira: Vampire Samurai

All the vampires in Shira: The Vampire Samurai (2005) have goofy Dracula teeth and are easily killed by Shira’s mystical sword. Her final battle with Kristof is so dumb, you actually look forward to the credits to find out who wrote this piece of dumbness so you can search for that person on Facebook™ and send e-mails dotted with frown-y emoticons.

Werewolf With An English Accent

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , on February 9, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

She-Wolf of London

There is no She-Wolf that’s been turning people in the park into she-redded (heh) meat in She-Wolf of London (1946). Yeah, there’s a report of some shred shrouded woman terrorizing the fog-soup park night after night. But without anything to go on other than implied graphic claw marks, the newspapers (and at least one Scotland Yard detective) believe the manglings to be the work of a female werewolf. The F you say!

She-Wolf of London

Phyllis Allenby is a young woman who is convinced the sensational murders were done by her, what with having the “Allenby Curse” and all. (They don’t say what the curse is. My guess is that it’s dog breath.) Phyllis so distraught, she’s calling off the wedding to Barry, her lawyer boyfriend. Sucks to be Barry.

She-Wolf of London

The she-person responsible for murders is telegraphed from the onset, and with no wolf woman needing her legs shaved, this one gets all dressed up and has nowhere to go. Geez, all they had to do was put a beard on the broad and I would’ve been happy. I hate 1940s London. Present day London is OK, though.

Misrepresented Yeti

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , on February 7, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shriek of the Mutilated

The admittedly awesome title of Shriek of the Mutilated (1974, aka, Mutilated and Scream of the Snowbeast) threw me as it was billed as a movie about the Yeti (or “Winter Sasquatch”). Yeti doesn’t shriek, nor does he mutilate in real life. And I dare anyone to prove me wrong. No, go ahead.

Professor Prell takes a bunch of grad students to Boot Island, a place where his friend/colleague Dr. Karl Werner lives with a mute native American butler named Laughing Crow. There’s something humorously ironic about that.

Boot Island is the home of the Yeti, a missing link monster that, seven years ago, tore up Prell’s previous expedition. At first if you don’t succeed…

Shriek of the Mutilated

Hunting the Yeti, a student is clawed to death and his leg torn off. You don’t get to see that, but you do get to see a man-sized “thing” in an adult-sized teddy bear costume running through the woods, attacking the hunters.

The leg is brought back to the house (still in boot and half a pant leg) and it’s decided to use that student’s remaining meat as bait for the creature. This, not surprisingly, makes the other students upset. It all counts as homework, so what’s the big deal?

Shriek of the Mutilated

Another student is Yeti’d and her corpse is used as additional bait. And still the rampaging teddy bear runs wild and free. But there are still two students left, so that means more work to be done.

One manages to escape, the other frightened to death. Flagging down a cop, the student returns to the house, only to find a dinner party in progress with some guests who arrived in hearses.

Shriek of the Mutilated

Turns out there is no Yeti after all (at least on Boot Island), but rather a complex scam to kill off the students to become a meal for a satanic cannibal ritual. I can think of at least two things wrong with that. I mean, really – what kind of wine goes with that food type?

Even though there’s only about a half a wine glass of blood and a brief glimpse of a dismembered leg, Shriek of the Mutilated is just another tedious horror movie that further tarnishes the good name of Yeti.

Vampire Infested Castles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , on February 6, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slaughter of the Vampires

A vampire squats rent-free in a castle basement, freshly owned by a newly-wedded couple. She has heaving bosoms. He has a nice jacket.

Throwing a ball (old time Rave) so all their friends can come and envy their new digs, the vampire crashes the party and entrances the big-boobed bride. It took all of five minutes before he was sucking on her. And why not? That plunging neckline was a mouth watering party platter waiting to be sampled.

Slaughter of the Vampires

It’s later discovered that the vampire dwells in the cavernous basement and that he’s been sucking on the help. The now vampire wife sucks on her husband (it was part of her wifely duties), and he starts to vamp up as well.

Slaughter of the Vampires

A doctor is called in and immediately does a blood transfusion. Good thing everybody had the same blood type back in those days, as the educated doc swaps blood as easily as if he was changing the oil in a car. Once the wife is determined to be one of the blood-gargling undead, time to poke her.

FYI: The main vampire is blonde and clearly has some sort of styling gel in his hair. Probably one of those Metro Vampires you hear about on the news.

Slaughter of the Vampires

Most of the effects-free Slaughter of the Vampires (1962) is spent running around the house, chasing the toothy squatter around the basement and getting full body blood transfusions as though it was a simple as rinsing off a dinner plate. Best part? The wife’s high beams.