Archive for January, 2013

4th Dimensional Pants

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , on January 24, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The 4D Man

4D Man (1959) is also known as The Master of Terror. Am I the only one on the internet who thinks The Master of Terror was thought up by someone who only owns striped shirts?

So these two brothers are scientists. One is a jackass whose early experiments in amplifying molecular structure burns down his lab and the building it was in. The landlord cares not for science and is NOT happy. The other brother, the unacknowledged inventor of Cargonite, a substance so impenetrable, nothing can pass through it. Except Superman.

The 4D Man

Tony Nelson, the younger brother, insists that his invention can render Cargonite as weak as wet toilet paper. He even has proof: a pencil stuck halfway between a block of lead. I totally want one of those.

Upset because his boss won’t give him credit for the Cargonite and losing his sweet trim to younger brother, Scott Nelson goes into the lab at night and tries the machine on for size. It works – his hand goes right into a piece of lead. One can almost see the practicable applications of having one’s fingers stuck in metal.

The 4D Man

But the experiment yields a unique side effect – Scott is able to reach into mailboxes and pull out your drunk letters to your ex. He can also stick his lead-free hand into a grocery store window and steal an apple. And thus a life of hardcore crime begins.

The 4D Man

The other two side effects aren’t as cool. When he touches someone and his hand goes into them, birthdays go flying by and they die of old age within seconds. That’s not an exclusive condition – each time Scott uses his 4D ability, he begins aging as well.

The 4D Man

As his mind starts going into 5D, Scott walks through a bank vault and makes a large withdrawal. The cops, armed with machine guns (!) attempt to “apprehend” Scott. “Nothing can hold me,” he enunciates loudly, not a jail cell, nor brick handcuffs. Nothing, that is, except…Cargonite. Man, that’s some bad karma irony right there.

Final notes: The plot is cool but the dialogue is lame; Tony stumbles over his lines when he gets excited, which is every other minute. Secondly, the soundtrack is some rhythmic jazz thing with bongos, no doubt played by beatniks. Beatniks are like hippies, except they can read sheet music.

Grade School Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Vampires with tags , , on January 23, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dawn

Dawn is a 10 year-old vampire girl who can walk in the sunlight, wear mix ’n match religious artifacts without adverse reaction, and suck the tomato juice right out of your neck. I’m just guessing it’s tomato juice as this low-budget independent horror  “film” was done in black and white. It could be turkey gravy for all I know.

Dawn’s mom was a tough talkin’ vampire who died just after giving birth to her daughter in a bathtub with her clothes on. I’m not sure, but I think it’s illegal to bathe/birth with your clothes on.

Dawn

Dawn’s human dad takes her from town to town so she can feed. And you know what tapeworms kids have – this chick is hungry all the freakin’ time. Dawn’s cravings are intensifying, which coincides with a handicapped psychic detective hot on her trail, the clues all but visible just by him touching the crime scene with his washed hands.

Dawn

If you think the plot of Dawn (2006) sounds familiar, you’re getting warm – it borrows liberally from Firestarter (1984). But no fire is started here. Rather, it puts out the flame with entry-level acting, stiff dialogue and a 10 year-old girl sucking on the necks of elderly men. Why couldn’t she just drink turkey gravy instead? It’s not bad after you get through the first gallon.

Frankenfish

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , on January 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frankenfish

Forget alligators, piranhas or swamp sharks – there’s something more bitey than all the above, swimming/dining around the Louisiana Lunch Counter (i.e., Bayou.) Just ask the two guys it just ate. Go ahead.

Frankenfish

Besides being incredibly hungry, Frankenfish (star of Frankenfish/2004) looks like a 10-foot dolphin that’s been huffing paint fumes. Ramming the bottom of the houseboat to apply strategic water holes, Frankenfish waits for the floating domiciles to sink. Brilliant, I say. Why? Think of it as reverse fishing. I know, right?

Frankenfish

The guy who genetically fashioned the fin (“It’s a Northern Snakehead, and he’s not hunting…he’s shopping!”) shoots it full of rhino tranquilizer. I drank some of that stuff before. Mixed it with Diet Snapple™. Good buzz, but it tasted like FrankenAss. (The Snapple™, not the tranquilizer.) But if you think that’s all there is to the story, you don’t know frank about Frankenfish.

Frankenfish

This is another trip to the store as Snakehead Terror (2004) already started the food chain. But this one’s better because it has a way cooler title.

Hearing-Impaired Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Vampires with tags , , , on January 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deafula

Released in 1975, Deafula is about a theology student who gets bitten by some guy named Dracula, and then goes on the hunt for his fellow students’ blood and/or homework notes.

Deafula

Here’s the catch – the entire movie is done in sign language. No dialogue whatsoever. Hardly any soundtrack, either, which kinda makes sense.

Sometimes (OK, often) my curiosity gets the best of me. But if I was to take anything positive away from this painful experience, it’s that I now know how to scream just by using my fingers.

Death Lizards

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , on January 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Curse of the Komodo

In 2004’s Curse of the Komodo (as in four-legged modern day/contemporary/mall-friendly dragon with a germ-y death mouth), the Army™ funds the Catalyst™ program, which scientists think is about growing giant food to feed all the Third World kids those ’80s New Wave bands sang about. Nope, the army plans on using the technology to create anything-eating komodo dragons to use as a weapons of mass consumption.

The Curse of the Komodo

All the other komodos are gone, having been snack attacked by the 25-foot alpha ’Modo, because they scarfed down all the island’s animals and the King of the Thrill is still needing some dessert due to the chemical’s unforeseen tendency to speed up its/his/hers digestive system. (Theoretically, you could be eaten whole and pooped out in 15 minutes. Yes, 15 minutes. But/Butt what a ride!)

The Curse of the Komodo

Sex kitten Glori-Anne Gilbert does what she was hired to do – take off her clearly uncomfortable clothes and go swimming. Not sure what else she was contracted to do. In the end, IT JUST DIDN’T MATTER.

The Curse of the Komodo

Komodo looks like one of those plastic toys you get at the zoo gift shop for $6.99, but bigger, the way a regular-sized car is bigger than a half-sandwich sized Hot Wheels™ commuter vehicle. Aside from the momentary nudity (which was freakin’ GREAT), The Curse of the Komodo really sucked genetically-altered donkey. And I’ve seen a LOT of those things walkin’ around. After last call. Just sayin’.

The Curse of the Komodo

Vanishing Corpses – Not Cool

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , on January 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Corpse Vanishes

The Corpse Vanishes (1942) is a horror murder mystery spin on the icky Elizabeth Bathory reality show, wherein the Countess was alleged to vacu-seal her looks by bathing in the blood of young girls who had not as yet ridden the baloney pony. (If I have to explain that…)

The Corpse Vanishes

When one thinks of virginal fluids (and if there’s nothing good on TV I often do), a different sort of imagery comes to mind, with brides dying during their wedding ceremonies and their bodies being hijacked while on the way to the morgue. The “til death do you part” really resonates here.

The Corpse Vanishes

A tenacious Lois Lane type reporter is hot on the trail, which leads to Dr. Lorenz (Bela Lugosi in yet another genre turd), a scientist who is using the aforementioned honeymoon honey as a youth serum for his rapidly aging wife. Dude, just get a divorce and hit the bowling alley – there’s lots of young skanks there who ride the baloney pony.

The Corpse Vanishes

Patricia Hunter, the reporter, is drugged by Dr. Lorenz and her own fluid, assumed virginal, is targeted for extraction. You’d think the climax to this otherwise slow-moving murder mystery with a vampiric sub-text would be full of special effects, lasers and smart bombs. Alas, no. All it took was a revenge-minded woman servant to bring things to a thudding halt.

The corpse vanishes – and so did 64 minutes of your life.

Irish Zombie Cow

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Zombies with tags , , on January 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Meat

Dead Meat (2004) begins with mad cow disease setting off a plague that turns all the mulchies throughout the Irish countryside into brain-dripping zombies. The emphasis here is dripping – oozing, cherry-red brains flowing like chunky honey.

Body parts, particularly heads, eyes, arms and soft, chewy legs, are chopped, popped and dismembered with the same amount of ease one would apply to Gumby. So no plot necessary, really.

Dead Meat

Two people, after assorted run-ins with the undead, meet a marble-mouthed countryman and his cadaverous wife and hop in their SUV and make for a safe zone the other side of Zombie Killarney.

Dead Meat

Two of the movie’s funniest scenes happen here. The car gets stuck in the mud and zombie kids surround the vehicle and pound on the windows while the Irishman yells, “F*ck off! F*ck off!” Heh.

Dead Meat

Then a suitably gruesome zombie cow bashes through the window, bites the wife on the head, dragging her out to be eaten alive. (Presumably with some seasonal stuffed marrow squash and a side of boxty.) The final zombie siege at an abandoned castle will mess up the inside of your pants but good.

Don’t let vegetables get in the way of seeing this one.