Archive for January, 2013

Hearing-Impaired Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Vampires with tags , , , on January 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deafula

Released in 1975, Deafula is about a theology student who gets bitten by some guy named Dracula, and then goes on the hunt for his fellow students’ blood and/or homework notes.

Deafula

Here’s the catch – the entire movie is done in sign language. No dialogue whatsoever. Hardly any soundtrack, either, which kinda makes sense.

Sometimes (OK, often) my curiosity gets the best of me. But if I was to take anything positive away from this painful experience, it’s that I now know how to scream just by using my fingers.

Death Lizards

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , on January 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Curse of the Komodo

In 2004’s Curse of the Komodo (as in four-legged modern day/contemporary/mall-friendly dragon with a germ-y death mouth), the Army™ funds the Catalyst™ program, which scientists think is about growing giant food to feed all the Third World kids those ’80s New Wave bands sang about. Nope, the army plans on using the technology to create anything-eating komodo dragons to use as a weapons of mass consumption.

The Curse of the Komodo

All the other komodos are gone, having been snack attacked by the 25-foot alpha ’Modo, because they scarfed down all the island’s animals and the King of the Thrill is still needing some dessert due to the chemical’s unforeseen tendency to speed up its/his/hers digestive system. (Theoretically, you could be eaten whole and pooped out in 15 minutes. Yes, 15 minutes. But/Butt what a ride!)

The Curse of the Komodo

Sex kitten Glori-Anne Gilbert does what she was hired to do – take off her clearly uncomfortable clothes and go swimming. Not sure what else she was contracted to do. In the end, IT JUST DIDN’T MATTER.

The Curse of the Komodo

Komodo looks like one of those plastic toys you get at the zoo gift shop for $6.99, but bigger, the way a regular-sized car is bigger than a half-sandwich sized Hot Wheels™ commuter vehicle. Aside from the momentary nudity (which was freakin’ GREAT), The Curse of the Komodo really sucked genetically-altered donkey. And I’ve seen a LOT of those things walkin’ around. After last call. Just sayin’.

The Curse of the Komodo

Vanishing Corpses – Not Cool

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , on January 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Corpse Vanishes

The Corpse Vanishes (1942) is a horror murder mystery spin on the icky Elizabeth Bathory reality show, wherein the Countess was alleged to vacu-seal her looks by bathing in the blood of young girls who had not as yet ridden the baloney pony. (If I have to explain that…)

The Corpse Vanishes

When one thinks of virginal fluids (and if there’s nothing good on TV I often do), a different sort of imagery comes to mind, with brides dying during their wedding ceremonies and their bodies being hijacked while on the way to the morgue. The “til death do you part” really resonates here.

The Corpse Vanishes

A tenacious Lois Lane type reporter is hot on the trail, which leads to Dr. Lorenz (Bela Lugosi in yet another genre turd), a scientist who is using the aforementioned honeymoon honey as a youth serum for his rapidly aging wife. Dude, just get a divorce and hit the bowling alley – there’s lots of young skanks there who ride the baloney pony.

The Corpse Vanishes

Patricia Hunter, the reporter, is drugged by Dr. Lorenz and her own fluid, assumed virginal, is targeted for extraction. You’d think the climax to this otherwise slow-moving murder mystery with a vampiric sub-text would be full of special effects, lasers and smart bombs. Alas, no. All it took was a revenge-minded woman servant to bring things to a thudding halt.

The corpse vanishes – and so did 64 minutes of your life.

Irish Zombie Cow

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Zombies with tags , , on January 16, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Meat

Dead Meat (2004) begins with mad cow disease setting off a plague that turns all the mulchies throughout the Irish countryside into brain-dripping zombies. The emphasis here is dripping – oozing, cherry-red brains flowing like chunky honey.

Body parts, particularly heads, eyes, arms and soft, chewy legs, are chopped, popped and dismembered with the same amount of ease one would apply to Gumby. So no plot necessary, really.

Dead Meat

Two people, after assorted run-ins with the undead, meet a marble-mouthed countryman and his cadaverous wife and hop in their SUV and make for a safe zone the other side of Zombie Killarney.

Dead Meat

Two of the movie’s funniest scenes happen here. The car gets stuck in the mud and zombie kids surround the vehicle and pound on the windows while the Irishman yells, “F*ck off! F*ck off!” Heh.

Dead Meat

Then a suitably gruesome zombie cow bashes through the window, bites the wife on the head, dragging her out to be eaten alive. (Presumably with some seasonal stuffed marrow squash and a side of boxty.) The final zombie siege at an abandoned castle will mess up the inside of your pants but good.

Don’t let vegetables get in the way of seeing this one.

Shoot The Moon(s)

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , on January 15, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crash of the Moons

1954’s Crash of The Moons/Crash of Moons (not sure why they couldn’t decide on the title) is sequel to Manhunt in Space (1954). Can’t remember if I saw that one or not. I tend to have black holes in my memory space allotment.

Two populated moons are about to collide, or “crash” into each other. One moon belongs to a self-infatuated b*tch by the name of Empress Cleolanta. Not sure who owns the other moon. Maybe some dude.

Crash of the Moons

It’s up to courageous and out of this world handsome space ranger Rocky Jones and his trusty sidekick Winky to get everyone off the moons before they crash, or “collide” into each other, thereby killing everyone into meatier meteors.

Crash of the Moons

Crash of the Moons, which was a three-part TV serial and stitched together, has people running around in caped costumes that would be more at home on Planet Dumbass than Earth. The armada of space ships all look identical, suggesting they’re scale built models and not the salvation sought by the inhabitants of the suspicious Empress Cleolanta’s doomed moon.

Crash of the Moons

Fist fights occur, with Winky more than living up to his name. The moons do indeed crash, but not until the last 15 seconds of the movie. Then they explode as if interstellar cherry bombs. Too many questions remain that no one gives a dookey about except me, like how did Winky get his fantastical name? Or what were the main exports of each of the moons? Why does Empress Cleolanta always look like she’s having a “not so fresh feeling” day? Not even the internet can help me.

Non-Vegetarian Dinosaurs

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on January 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Carnosaur

Imagine my heart-wrenching disappointment when I put Carnosaur (1993) on, only to find out the title character is a rubber puppet and not a real Carnosaur. Any hope I had in life just evaporated.

Scientists use the egg/hatching business model of the chicken to accomplish Carnosaur’s reintroduction to society, injecting special needs hens with an altered DNA strand.

Carnosaur

These birds lay eggs that aren’t really good for omelettes or egg salad sandwiches with mayonnaise and just a pinch of freshly ground black pepper. As it turns out, every hick in town is eating the chickens and getting sick, particularly the females.

Carnosaur

Through the miracle of science, the infected femmes come down with flu-like symptoms (sweating, barfing, complaining) and end up giving birth to large eggs, which hold baby Carnosaurs. Good luck getting child support.

Carnosaur

There’s an annoying sub-plot about environmental activists (i.e., hippies) chaining themselves to heavy machinery that’s been tearing up Mother Nature’s Hershey Highway. This solves two problems as Carnosaur loves curb-side dining. (One hippie, seeing Carnosaur come out of the dark night, throws him one ’o those severely outdated two-fingered peace signs and says, “Greetings, green brother!” Needless to say, the movie’s best scene.)

But alas, Carnosaur is nothing more than a cheap special effect that isn’t so special after all. Oh sure, he eats humans alive, but what monster doesn’t?

Brainstorm: Video Death Bubbles

Posted in Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , on January 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Brainstorm

A team of fair wage scientists led by the big thinking Michael Brace invent a stylish headpiece that can record the thoughts and physical feelings of one person, which can be replayed into and experienced by another person. Government goons get wind of this device and want to use it for non-porn applications. Stupid government.

Brainstorm

One night Lillian Reynolds, another scientist/chain-smoker working on the project, suffers a heart attack that may or may not be directly related to cigarettes. Knowing she’s about to die, Lillian puts on the Happy Hat and records her own demise.

Brainstorm

Michael later discovers the recording and wants to play it back. His boss and the G-men are violently trying to stop him as experiencing someone else’s death in real-time just seems kind of f’d up. Then again, experiencing your own death in real-time is more so.

Brainstorm

Problem is, Michael starts suffering a Myocardial infarction triggered by the rolling tape. But as he “sees” where Lillian goes after death, he begins to freshness expire in real time, too. I probably shouldn’t tell you what happens next. Hint: it involves video death bubbles. Yes, there exists such a thing. Why would a movie put ’em in there if it wasn’t real?

Brainstorm is a cool concept and has neato special effects for a movie made in 1983. (Note to self: buy one of those playback hats, have a porn star wear it and record a one guy/three girl scene, then call in sick to work for a month.)

Octopus Bride

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on January 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bride of the Monster

Bride of the Monster (1955) is also known as Bride of the Atom. Dumbness. Either way you pitch it, a stellar fumble for Bela Lugosi, one of horror’s heritage icons.

Bride of the Monster

Dr. Vornoff (Lugosi) is conducting experiments in his do-it-yourself lab. There’s a stove, sink, cupboards, a refrigerator and hey, he couldn’t afford rocks, so he painted the lab’s wall to look like stylish stonework.

Bride of the Monster

Assisting him is Lobo, a mute fat tub of crap. (Tor Johnson, wearing the same clothes he did in 1958’s Plan 9 From Outer Space.) Oh, yeah – Vornoff has an extra large octopus he genetically f’d with in his back yard swamp that feeds on snoopy guests. He named it “Monster,” though it looked more like a Bob or a Charles.

Bride of the Monster

With no evidence except octo-burps, the cops looking for missing peoples/persons are all out of ideas as to WTF. Leave it to a sass-mouthed female journalist to crack the case. She ends up in Vornoff’s lab, soon to be his next experiment. And just what is he hoping to accomplish? A way to make a legion of oversized atomic supermen to do his bidding/lab dishes. I’m surprised I had to tell you this.

Bride of the Monster

Even though Vornoff tasted a face full of lightning in the end, which made him explode and go up in a mushroom cloud (WTF?), I felt more sorry for the octopus as he looked kinda cool and slimy and would probably like it if you petted his rubbery head every now and again.

Sex in Outer Space

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on January 11, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast in Space

A team of astronauts, all loaded on Uranus milk (the most popular drink in the Galaxy), goes to the planet Lorigon to get some Antalium, a rare mineral that can be used for future stuff. The space crew is made up of handsome guys with moustaches and hot chicks in meteor/stain-resistant space spandex.

The Beast in Space

One supermodel astronaut has been having nightmares about a half man/half goat thingamajig with an exposed rocket in his exposed pocket that chases her through the woods and has insta-sex with her on the ground, where stink beetles make their home.

The Beast in Space

The woods-like planet is run by Zocor, a super computer, that makes the spacers so horny, they have fourth base releations with each other. What happens on Lorigon stays on Lorigon. In an amazing twist of irony, Zocor is powered by Antalium, the very same mineral they were sent to Lorigon to get. Without it, Zocor can data process no more.

The Beast in Space

A cardboard volcano goes off and the crew escapes with their newfound modesty. Is The Beast in Space (1980) an X-rated porn movie? A thrilling sci-fi adventure with boobies ’n bare bottoms? An erotic fairy tale? I’m gonna have to say yes.

Filet of Soul

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches with tags , , on January 10, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Church

A church’s sub-basement (aka, portal to Hell) is the tomb of 13th Century Teutonic Knights in Germany who used to death slaughter anything that moved. Not sure why. Probably unresolved mommy issues.

A librarian mistakenly opens the portal and is represented by glowing blue lights, which I decree to be malevolent in nature. Once the blue light touches you, you’re infected with EVIL. Mind you, your face gets kinda crunchy and your hair needs to be combed. But other than wanting to kill people, that’s about it.

The Church

The church upstairs is loaded with visitors and the only door in/out shuts, sealing everyone inside. It was assumed the place was gonna turn into a blood bath. It did not. A stabbing here, a face-scraping there… Pffft – I expected a lot more from 13th Century witch knights.

The Church

The real money action in The Church (1989), though, is downstairs, where a satanic goat god is having sex with the supermodel church restorer. They only show goat god for a few seconds, which is a crying shame, as he looks really cool and evil and goat-y.

The Church

Watching the normally intimate expression of love is a bunch of the upstairs people, now mostly naked, covered in blood and basement dirt while chanting. I suppose some ambience was needed to set the mood for the romantic couple.

The Church

Then the church starts to fall apart as if the load-bearing beams where being yanked on by Hercules. Only one real gore scene happens when a man voluntarily impales himself on an operating jackhammer. Other than that, yawn city. And to think churches used to be so promisingly evil.