Archive for December, 2012

Killer Snowman

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , on December 24, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jack Frost

It’s blizzard-y outside and a truck carry experimental genetic goo slides/crashes into a serial killer’s state-chauffeured ride to the electric chair and a well deserved high-voltage enema, drenching Mr. Criminal in the unpredictable slime.

Jack Frost

And like all experimental genetic goo, you can’t predict what effects it’ll have on one’s DNA. In Jack, the killer’s case, though, it turns him into a maniacal snowman with icicle fangs. You can guess what becomes Jack’s new weapons: Christmas lights (for choking), sleds (for decapitating), melting and re-freezing (for fast getaways).

Jack Frost

When Jack makes sexually reluctant friends with a supermodel in a bathtub, you could’ve seen the quip set-up a mile away: “Oops – looks like Christmas came a little too soon this year!”

Jack Frost

Only two things can stop Jack in his icy tracks: A hair dryer and/or some anti-freeze. Jack Frost (1996) is more or less a cheap-o knock-off of Child’s Play (1988), wherein the serial killer’s soul gets trapped in a doll made for boys. Don’t say it.

Jack Frost

The special effects aren’t as plot-riveting as the bathtub boobies, but how often can you say you’ve watched an evil snowman have sex? Non-explicit of course, but you could still see his…snowballs.

Don’t give me that look.

Man Bear Pig

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on December 22, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Island of Dr. Moreau

Based on an H. G. Wells story, The Island of Dr. Moreau started out in 1933 as Island of Lost Souls. Generic, but serviceable title. Then came the 1977 version (see below). Then came the laughably horrendous remake in 1996. I have yet to see the 1933 adaptation, but I will get to it as soon as I finish eating this here lettuce wrap.

For decades women have been calling men “pigs.” An eminent physiologist with a knack for vivisection, all Dr. Moreau did was run with that concept and turn pigs into men. And baboons and pumas and hyenas into men as well. No man-giraffes, though. Hard to find a collared shirt big enough to fit.

The Island of Dr. Moreau

Moreau genetically engineered a cultured society of beasts – half man/half animal – on his jungle island refuge. That was the easy part. The challenge was getting them to behave like humans. Difficult when all they want to do is rip open someone’s throat to get to the joy inside.

The Island of Dr. Moreau

As these “manimals” learned, there was a price to pay for breaking Moreau’s Law – and that was an escorted visit to the House of Pain, or as I like to call it, a bar. Moreau, acting more like a cult leader than a hybrid specialist, had a reinforcing litany he taught his creations: “His is the hand that makes. His is the hand that hurts. His is the hand that heals. His is the House of Pain. He who breaks the Law shall be punished back to the House of Pain.” Geez, what a hard ass.

The Island of Dr. Moreau

It wasn’t enough to get the hybrids house-broken. Now Moreau expects his experiments to strive for civility and act like human beings. As history illustrates, though, man excels at behaving like animals. Moreau’s argument: “How does a cell become enslaved to a form, to a destiny it can never change? Can we change that destiny?” The answer, of course, is not so much.

The Island of Dr. Moreau

So what exactly goes on in the House of Pain? For starters, you’re forced to listen to rap music. No wonder the animals reverted back to their hard-wired instincts and went shopping for fleshy groceries. In the end, Moreau discovered the animals were acting like men the whole time.

King Konga

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , on December 21, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Konga

Dr. Drecker, on a botany exploration, didn’t die when his small plane had a problem with gravity while flying over Africa. Presumed dead for a year, Drecker suddenly returns to his native zip code with a suitcase full of exotic plants and a monkey. So much for the Flora/Fauna Act of 1988, which clearly prohibits agriculture and primates from cross-pollinating our borders. (Yeah, I get that Konga was made in 1961 and the FF Act had yet to be implemented. That’s no excuse for breaking the future law.)

Konga

The doctor uses a serum on Konga, his little monkey friend, which makes the sprite chimp growth spurt all over the place. Soon, Konga is the size of a shaggy football player and does Drecker’s bidding, which is to eliminate boyfriends of hot female student interns so Drecker can, like, mack on ’em and stuff. This makes Margaret, his “aging but still got it” assistant freakin’ upset as she wanted Drecker to mack on her.

Konga

Margaret injects Konga with a full dose of grow juice and the ape expands to bell tower height. Konga, not able to reconcile his hormones and the fact that he keeps outgrowing his fur every two minutes, chucks Margaret aside as if a chew toy, busts through the roof of Drecker’s three-story house and takes the lascivious doctor for a walk downtown.

Konga

The military shows up and lays down some serious firepower. Konga just stands there and rolls his exercise ball sized eyes as most of the artillery, shot from right across the street, misses him. (The Army needs more target practice.)

KongaDon’t know why they were shooting at him as Konga, only wrecking one building the entire movie, did nothing to provoke the attack. I weep for Konga because no one else will. In all, fun but goofy flick. I think Konga is really a guy in a gorilla suit. Need to watch it again to be sure.

Arkansas Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , on December 20, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Boggy CreekThere’s a forest monster terrorizing the residents of Fouke, Arkansas. Until they saw it with their own eyes, most thought it was just that fat paperboy with chocolate-fueled zit boils all over his chubby cheeks. But when the darn thing started showing up on their porches and trying the door knobs, people began freaking the hell out.

The monster in question was Bigfoot in the 1972 budget-less docudrama, The Legend of Boggy Creek. I don’t know why the creek was boggy. Maybe that was the sewer infrastructure for Arkansas at the time.

The Legend of Boggy Creek

All the Sasquatch creature wanted was to stop by, shoot the breeze, maybe drink a few beers and talk about what a hot summer it’s been in Fouke. But no, those inhospitable locals just had to go and start shooting at the Bigster. Remind me to never spend any of my vacation dollars in Arkansas.

Most of the movie looked like a Chamber of Commerce promo, depicting the area’s pettable wildlife, postcard worthy trees, lakes brimming with butter-flavored catfish…

Worse than that, there’s some furniture store manager with an acoustic guitar singing songs about the town, and ’ol Fred, the guy who lives in a mud hut on the lake and has never heard of “electricity” or “toothpaste.” That’s just crazy city talk. And he ain’t heard nothin’ about no monster, either. But the beast exists, whether ’ol Fred and his mud-living ways believes it or not.

The Legend of Boggy Creek

When Bigfoot finally shows up, all they have him do is peep through house windows at night, which freaks out the ladies inside. Giving his cranky neighbors the big “Fouke You,” B-foot rallies all over the porch of a house where four guys wearing white T-shirts are protecting the screaming women inside. (The girls were screaming to be let out, and not have to smooch down with those smelly boys.)

The men, armed with shotguns purchased at the local furniture store, manage to get off a few rounds. But since it’s dark and Bigfoot is the color of darkness, they can’t be sure if they hit him or not. (They didn’t.)

The Legend of Boggy Creek

Allegedly based on a true story (that part is confirmed – all Arkansas men wore white T-shirts back in 1972), the Fouke Monster is still thought to wiggle door knobs to this day. As for this tedious movie, it wiggles a handle alright – the one on your toilet.

Hippie Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , on December 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

Jessica, a mentally-fragile free spirit (possibly of hippie descent), is fresh out of a mental institution and moves to a huge house of dubious past in the peaceful Connecticut island with her husband and another hippie drop out friend. (Jessica was institutionalized once she found out that the ideals of peace, love and grooviness was but a fevered dream of a madman.)

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

Shock to find a semi-hot hippie chick with red hair who has been squatting there rent free. But she’s cute enough that they ask her to stay and help fulfill their stink dreams of living off the land and selling beads in town. Now there’s a business model you can hang your head band on!

But Jessica is hearing deathly voices in her head – and it’s not the Grateful Dead. Seems the house was previously occupied by a bra-less vampire chick who bears an uncomfortably strong resemblance to the hippie chick now enticing Jessica’s husband into an afternoon delight.

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

The vampire/hippie chick drowned back in the day and some say her body still doesn’t float very well out in the water where everyone goes swimming/peeing. The voices in the nearby lake and out in the bead fields call to Jessica and she freaks out accordingly. Turns out, there really is a vampire in the water. Too late to convince everyone as they’ve all been made deadened.

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971) is kinda creepy atmospheric with a lot of freaking out on behalf of the title character. Barely any blood, no special effects to convey barely any blood, one dead and really wet vampire chick, and too many stink hippies. If you really want to scare Jessica to death, make her get a job.

Later Gator: Not Good To The Last Bite

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on December 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, the latest and alleged end of the road for the dubious Lake Placid “eat, lather, repeat” giant killer alligator franchise, is not gonna win any originality awards, both for plot and title. (For starters, there’s 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.) The fourth installment dog paddles through overly familiar stagnant waters as it hopefully closes its beaches due to BOREDOM.

Originally airing on the SyFy Channel™ on September 29, 2012, Lake Placid: The Final Chapter releases on DVD February 19, 2013. Those of you looking to pre-order on Amazon.com – get a life.

Lake Placid: The Final ChapterYeah, this sounds like I’m polluting the lake here. But four movies of rogue gators dining on people – while sounding cool – is anything but. It’s like being forced to eat a hamburger over and over. Sure, burgers are great, but sometimes you just want a little crème fraiche to go with ’em. (Or a squeeze of chipotle mayo – yum!)

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Let’s get this out of the way: “A rogue game warden (returning from Lake Placid 3, 2010) breaks out her guns after the schemes of an obsessed poacher land a group of high school students into the midst of the man-eating crocodile “nature preserve.”

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Even despite the cheesy digital croc, chest-thumping dialogue and the telegraphed buffet-styled kill scenes, there are some highlights. You have the hammy Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund as the obsessed poacher. Gators like ham. Then you have the Army Corp of Engineers putting up an electric fence around the entire lake. Gators like electricity to go with their ham. Then you have Reba, the tough-talking hunter from LP3, who happily did not become clean up on aisle two after that presumably fatal attack in the grocery store.

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

But best of all, though, is the “point of chew” shot from inside the monster croc’s mouth as it prepares to chow down on some teen fraiche.

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Speaking of, if you want to chow down on the previous Lake Placid entries, I wrote about ’em on October 5, 2010 (click HERE). As I recall, the seas were calm that day, the fall sunrise made the dew on my neighbor’s unmowed lawn sparkle like busted windshield glass, and I had six Eggo™ waffles for breakfast. Good or not, watching man-eating crocodile/alligator movies makes me really hungry for some reason. Waffles don’t scream when eaten, though that would be really sick/cool if they did.

Worst Horror Movie Ever

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , on December 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster a Go-Go!

Released in 1965, Monster a Go-Go!, while sporting a kitschy title, has been called one of the worst films ever. That’s actually a compliment as this is THE worst film ever. Why? If you’ve seen it, you wouldn’t be asking me that e-question.

Monster a Go-Go!

If you haven’t, Monster a Go-Go! started out with a micro-budget, ran out of money halfway through in 1961, was purchased by another director (the godfather of gore, Herschell Gordon Lewis), and stitched back together with different actors and plot for its release in ’65. But that just describes the trials and tribulations of getting a cheapo horror flick to market. It’s everything else that makes Monster a Go-Go! a suck rodeo.

An astronaut is launched into space and comes back as a nine foot tall version of an insurance salesman with male pattern baldness and a face that looks like it’s been dipped in Malt-o Meal™ or ebola.

Monster a Go-Go!

Scientists stand around and talk for a while. Then a few go out looking for this man-freak. In order to maximize their search efforts, they take flashlights and look in bushes. This took 70 minutes.

Lots of bugs. No monster a go-go. He must’ve went-went after the first scene. Smart monster. Wish I had done the same.