Archive for December, 2012

Arkansas Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , on December 20, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Boggy CreekThere’s a forest monster terrorizing the residents of Fouke, Arkansas. Until they saw it with their own eyes, most thought it was just that fat paperboy with chocolate-fueled zit boils all over his chubby cheeks. But when the darn thing started showing up on their porches and trying the door knobs, people began freaking the hell out.

The monster in question was Bigfoot in the 1972 budget-less docudrama, The Legend of Boggy Creek. I don’t know why the creek was boggy. Maybe that was the sewer infrastructure for Arkansas at the time.

The Legend of Boggy Creek

All the Sasquatch creature wanted was to stop by, shoot the breeze, maybe drink a few beers and talk about what a hot summer it’s been in Fouke. But no, those inhospitable locals just had to go and start shooting at the Bigster. Remind me to never spend any of my vacation dollars in Arkansas.

Most of the movie looked like a Chamber of Commerce promo, depicting the area’s pettable wildlife, postcard worthy trees, lakes brimming with butter-flavored catfish…

Worse than that, there’s some furniture store manager with an acoustic guitar singing songs about the town, and ’ol Fred, the guy who lives in a mud hut on the lake and has never heard of “electricity” or “toothpaste.” That’s just crazy city talk. And he ain’t heard nothin’ about no monster, either. But the beast exists, whether ’ol Fred and his mud-living ways believes it or not.

The Legend of Boggy Creek

When Bigfoot finally shows up, all they have him do is peep through house windows at night, which freaks out the ladies inside. Giving his cranky neighbors the big “Fouke You,” B-foot rallies all over the porch of a house where four guys wearing white T-shirts are protecting the screaming women inside. (The girls were screaming to be let out, and not have to smooch down with those smelly boys.)

The men, armed with shotguns purchased at the local furniture store, manage to get off a few rounds. But since it’s dark and Bigfoot is the color of darkness, they can’t be sure if they hit him or not. (They didn’t.)

The Legend of Boggy Creek

Allegedly based on a true story (that part is confirmed – all Arkansas men wore white T-shirts back in 1972), the Fouke Monster is still thought to wiggle door knobs to this day. As for this tedious movie, it wiggles a handle alright – the one on your toilet.

Hippie Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , on December 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

Jessica, a mentally-fragile free spirit (possibly of hippie descent), is fresh out of a mental institution and moves to a huge house of dubious past in the peaceful Connecticut island with her husband and another hippie drop out friend. (Jessica was institutionalized once she found out that the ideals of peace, love and grooviness was but a fevered dream of a madman.)

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

Shock to find a semi-hot hippie chick with red hair who has been squatting there rent free. But she’s cute enough that they ask her to stay and help fulfill their stink dreams of living off the land and selling beads in town. Now there’s a business model you can hang your head band on!

But Jessica is hearing deathly voices in her head – and it’s not the Grateful Dead. Seems the house was previously occupied by a bra-less vampire chick who bears an uncomfortably strong resemblance to the hippie chick now enticing Jessica’s husband into an afternoon delight.

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

The vampire/hippie chick drowned back in the day and some say her body still doesn’t float very well out in the water where everyone goes swimming/peeing. The voices in the nearby lake and out in the bead fields call to Jessica and she freaks out accordingly. Turns out, there really is a vampire in the water. Too late to convince everyone as they’ve all been made deadened.

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971) is kinda creepy atmospheric with a lot of freaking out on behalf of the title character. Barely any blood, no special effects to convey barely any blood, one dead and really wet vampire chick, and too many stink hippies. If you really want to scare Jessica to death, make her get a job.

Later Gator: Not Good To The Last Bite

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on December 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter, the latest and alleged end of the road for the dubious Lake Placid “eat, lather, repeat” giant killer alligator franchise, is not gonna win any originality awards, both for plot and title. (For starters, there’s 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.) The fourth installment dog paddles through overly familiar stagnant waters as it hopefully closes its beaches due to BOREDOM.

Originally airing on the SyFy Channel™ on September 29, 2012, Lake Placid: The Final Chapter releases on DVD February 19, 2013. Those of you looking to pre-order on Amazon.com – get a life.

Lake Placid: The Final ChapterYeah, this sounds like I’m polluting the lake here. But four movies of rogue gators dining on people – while sounding cool – is anything but. It’s like being forced to eat a hamburger over and over. Sure, burgers are great, but sometimes you just want a little crème fraiche to go with ’em. (Or a squeeze of chipotle mayo – yum!)

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Let’s get this out of the way: “A rogue game warden (returning from Lake Placid 3, 2010) breaks out her guns after the schemes of an obsessed poacher land a group of high school students into the midst of the man-eating crocodile “nature preserve.”

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Even despite the cheesy digital croc, chest-thumping dialogue and the telegraphed buffet-styled kill scenes, there are some highlights. You have the hammy Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund as the obsessed poacher. Gators like ham. Then you have the Army Corp of Engineers putting up an electric fence around the entire lake. Gators like electricity to go with their ham. Then you have Reba, the tough-talking hunter from LP3, who happily did not become clean up on aisle two after that presumably fatal attack in the grocery store.

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

But best of all, though, is the “point of chew” shot from inside the monster croc’s mouth as it prepares to chow down on some teen fraiche.

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Speaking of, if you want to chow down on the previous Lake Placid entries, I wrote about ’em on October 5, 2010 (click HERE). As I recall, the seas were calm that day, the fall sunrise made the dew on my neighbor’s unmowed lawn sparkle like busted windshield glass, and I had six Eggo™ waffles for breakfast. Good or not, watching man-eating crocodile/alligator movies makes me really hungry for some reason. Waffles don’t scream when eaten, though that would be really sick/cool if they did.

Worst Horror Movie Ever

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , on December 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster a Go-Go!

Released in 1965, Monster a Go-Go!, while sporting a kitschy title, has been called one of the worst films ever. That’s actually a compliment as this is THE worst film ever. Why? If you’ve seen it, you wouldn’t be asking me that e-question.

Monster a Go-Go!

If you haven’t, Monster a Go-Go! started out with a micro-budget, ran out of money halfway through in 1961, was purchased by another director (the godfather of gore, Herschell Gordon Lewis), and stitched back together with different actors and plot for its release in ’65. But that just describes the trials and tribulations of getting a cheapo horror flick to market. It’s everything else that makes Monster a Go-Go! a suck rodeo.

An astronaut is launched into space and comes back as a nine foot tall version of an insurance salesman with male pattern baldness and a face that looks like it’s been dipped in Malt-o Meal™ or ebola.

Monster a Go-Go!

Scientists stand around and talk for a while. Then a few go out looking for this man-freak. In order to maximize their search efforts, they take flashlights and look in bushes. This took 70 minutes.

Lots of bugs. No monster a go-go. He must’ve went-went after the first scene. Smart monster. Wish I had done the same.

Monster Dogs and Rock Stars

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , on December 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster DogAlice Cooper stars as Vincent Raven in Monster Dog (1985), the world’s most famous rock star. This claim is supported by him and his video crew driving around in dense fog in a Scooby Doo™ mystery van. Rock stars back in the ’80s had it so sweet.

Monster DogLooking to complete several promotional videos designed to support his album’s singles, Vince and the gang are headed to the house he grew up in, which is way out in the middle of Nowhere, USA. Upon arriving at night, a police roadblock informs them that wild dogs are roaming the countryside and that five people have been ripped to shreds by the mad mutts. “Five?” gasps one chick. “I thought the news said there were only two?” I don’t know why I found that to be humorous.

Monster DogFinally, after driving through miles of painful dialogue, they arrive at their destination. The house looks like the Munsters live there, and the man-servant is nowhere to be found, though he thoughtfully left a platter of sandwiches in the fridge. (More research is needed to determine exactly what kind of sandwiches, though I suspect cheese and/or jelly of some sort. Possibly both because you never know what rock starts will shoot up to break through the doors of perception.)

The oil paintings on the wall hint at a dark family secret, one Vince doesn’t want to talk about. No kidding – as a kid his dad was stricken with a disease that left him mad as a monster dog, ripping up the neighbor’s livestock with his teeth and eating the delicious guts inside. For that he was branded a werewolf and hunted down by the locals. Harsh.

Fearing the whole “like father, like son” thing, some red-neck citizens show up with unbrushed teeth, dirty clothes and Frito™ Bandito bullet belts slung across their chests, looking to insert silver ammunition into Vince’s chest area.

Monster DogReal dogs go on the attack, but I’m pretty sure their barks were overdubbed. When the monster dog does show up, it looks like a prop in one of Alice Cooper’s shows, with glowing eyes, acceptable depiction of slobber and a perma-growl face as if constructed out of Tupperware™.

Monster DogVince/Alice, sporting short hair (why Vince, why?), does a few songs (one with the chorus “my image is outta control”) and can handle a shotgun with practiced ease. (Nice headshot, Vince – clean and to the point.)

But the gore and blood take a backseat to the most scariest aspect of all: Alice Cooper wearing a cardigan sweater for almost the entire movie. It’s gonna be a while before I quit shaking.

Giants and Beans

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , on December 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jack the Giant SlayerJack the Giant Slayer (originally titled Jack the Giant Killer) is a horror fantasy (and somewhat comedy) based on the 1807 Jack & The Beanstalk English folktale. Beans are good for you. And hopefully the movie, which releases March 1, 2013 in 3D, will be, too.

The timing is spot on as it pairs nicely with the impending and decidedly nastier/gorier/ickier Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters 2013 reimagineering. Folk and fairy tales could quite possibly be a new vein for Hollywood to tap as filmmakers, what with all their tepid re-boots and dumbassery, have about run out of ideas to milk bone dry.

Jack the Giant Slayer

The plot/premise/story line for Jack the Giant Slayer:An ancient war is reignited when a young farmhand unwittingly opens a gateway between our world and a fearsome race of giants.”

“Unleashed on the Earth for the first time in centuries, the giants strive to reclaim the land they once lost, forcing the young man, Jack, into the battle of his life to stop them. Fighting for a kingdom, its people, and the love of a brave princess, he comes face to face with the unstoppable warriors he thought only existed in legend – and gets the chance to become a legend himself.”

Jack the Giant Slayer

This gives away too much. You already know Jack is gonna rescue the princess, smooch her face at some point, defeat the giants, and eat beans, not necessarily in that order. (Note to Jack – go for the beans first, then the melons later; they aren’t going anywhere.)

Jack the Giant Slayer

Full of cool special effects and gigantic action, Jack the Giant Slayer nevertheless is clearly made for family huggy time. Too bad – if it followed the famous rhyme it could’ve been a lot more violent/graphic/fun: “Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he live, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” Sandwich bread made from bones is probably more crunchy than you’d like it to be.

Troll HUnter

I wonder if any of those Jack giants know the mythical flesh-eating creatures in Troll Hunter (2010)? Seems they would, what with being super tall and bone-grinding ’n stuff.

Alien Nation

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , on December 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien NationAlien Nation (1988) was not only a sci-fi cool movie, it spawned a same-titled, two season/22 episode one punch line TV series (1989 – 1990) as well. That it was set in Los Angeles spawned a lot of one punch line “illegal aliens” jokes. Funny to everyone except illegal aliens, turns out.

The aliens arriving on Earth in a mega giant UFO are referred to as Newcomers. They’re quarantined for a few years, then put to work doing the jobs we humans deem beneath us, like cleaning up our messes.

Alien NationTo mess with the English-speaking aliens we give them funny names, like Sam Francisco. (Now that’s funny.) We do this because as “we were here first” occupants, we regard these newcomers as third-class citizens – below a janitor, but just slightly above politicians.

Alien NationTo make us like them even less, the aliens eat raw beaver (watch the one punch line jokes) and guzzle freshness-expired milk. NOT COOL. And aliens dissolve in sea water. (If you don’t like aliens, a great gift idea might be a surf board.)

Alien NationOne alien, teamed with a grizzled human L.A. cop who doesn’t like aliens, is hot on the trail of someone looking to tap into the lucrative extraterrestrial drug market by getting them hooked on Jabroka, a blue pancake UFO syrup that gets your alien head spinning like the moons of Uranus. (It doesn’t work on humans or Earth pancakes. Pity.)

Alien NationLots of sharp social commentary, inside jokes (an alien bar is named Encounters – heh), and gritty crime drama involving brutal murderings, street thuggings, cover-uppings and raw beaver. I don’t know which of the above is worse.

Geography Confused Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , on December 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of GeorgiaThe Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia. I’m no male model cartographer, but I don’t think Connecticut and Georgia are anywhere near each other. After six hours of exhaustive research, I discovered both poltergeisted locations are 977 miles apart. Either someone needs to fix the movie’s title, or I need to let it go. Guess who’s gonna cave first?

The Haunting in Connecticut

Then there’s The Haunting in Connecticut (2009) and A Haunting in Connecticut (2008), which is less a movie and more a docudrama. (Same thing, no bling.) Both are based on TRUE story of a family plagued by ghosts. Granted, I never saw the ghosts, but the spooked Parker family seem too nice to be big fat LIARS.

A Haunting in Connecticut The Haunting in Connecticut: Ghosts of Georgia will appear suddenly in a limited amount of movie theaters (probably 977 miles away from my apartment), as well as VOD on February 1st, 2013.

In this sequel “a young family’s nightmarish descent into a Centuries-old Southern hell when they come face-to-face with a bone-chilling mystery born of a deranged desire…a haunting secret rising from underground and threatening to bring down anyone in its path.” I bet they have sewer problems.

In A Haunting in Connecticut (set in 1987), the working class Campbell family with a teen son stricken with cancer who moves into a four-story Victorian dump that was once a funeral home where satanic rituals were frequently used to summon the dead. If you’re gonna summon the dead, that’d be the way to do it.

The Haunting in ConnecticutStandard ghost stuff ensues; spooky whisper voices, doors opening without someone first knocking, shadows that don’t belong to anyone living, blood-enhanced flashbacks. And all this time everyone thought it was just drug hallucinations of cancer kid. Nice going, Team Campbell.

The previous mortuary guy was also a necromancer and a holder of seances, which in today’s terms is referred to as multi-tasking. He employed a kid who can not only channel the dead, but manifest ectoplasm out his orifices. In some movies this is green ghost goo. In this one it looks like wet grocery sacks twisting out of his mouth. Thankfully you don’t see where the other exit points are.

The Haunting in Connecticut starts out as a yawn. They saved the best for last, however, as the action picks up some serious ghost goo during the last 15 minutes. Not a great ghost story, but not a bad one, either. Won’t scare the grocery bags outta you, though.

The Haunting in ConnecticutIn The Haunting in Connecticut docudrama the Parker family moves closer to a hospital so their teen son can get his cancer poked at. The house they rent used to be a mortuary. The result – there’s evil in them there cupboards.

Even after repeated visitations from a ghostly figure, the parents still aren’t believing their kids, who run away screaming all the time. (Geez, what’s it gonna take, a text from Casper?) A team of parapsychologists arrives to document the haunting. A priest shows up and exorcizes the place. Mixed results ensue.

All the family had to do was move out. If you’re thinking The Amityville Horror (1979) right now, you’re wrong; This happened in Connecticut. It’s 119 miles from Connecticut to Amityville. Like an evil ghost is gonna travel that far.

Son of a Hundred Maniacs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , on December 12, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Son of a Hundred ManiacsAnother Nightmare on Elm Street remake? Yeesh. Hollywood, whose been running on fumes for years now, looks to have hit the bottom of the tank. Headed your way (and by extension mine) is Son of a Hundred Maniacs, which takes it’s title from a line of dialogue in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), explaining the pre-story of the supernatural serial killer Freddy Krueger, who, as it turns out, was the by-product of his mom being gang-groped by 99 + 1 mentally disturbed frat boys.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

The 2010 A Nightmare on Elm Street remake, while clearly a cash-in maneuver, had big gloves to fill. Did it? Congress is divided down the middle, with Republicans categorically vetoing it and Democrats all on the same page for once that this unnecessary re-boot was good for the country.

The casting of Jackie Earle Haley (the guy who played the ultra cool Rorschach in the Watchmen/2009) as the iconic Freddy Krueger – was a strategic move. Sure, they make him cram in as many campy quips as he can (a Krueger staple), but Haley’s probably the only guy worthy of turning teenagers into Shredded Wheat™.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010Making an astute metaphor for Freddy (the fried Pied Piper, who was wronged by an entire town, shows up to take their children away), a connecting thread links an entire class of five year-olds back to Fred Krueger, a pedophile who worked as a handyman at the Badham Nursery School. (An appropriate name as Freddy’s lava lamped face looks like “bad ham.” Heh.)

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010Now teenagers, old memories are beginning to surface and Freddy, burned alive by the p*ssed off parents of the Elm Street kids, is seeking retribution via their dreams. No cat and mouse – Freddy not only inflicts industrial size paper cuts all over your body, he collects your carcass and hangs it up as wall trophies in his ethereal boiler room.

The surviving Nancy, the girl who is “Freddy’s favorite,” is beginning to remember and searches for clues, since her mother isn’t about to cop to barbecuing alive the man who molested her daughter.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010Nancy tracks down her old schoolmates and discovers they all died under mysterious circumstances. I bet they were killed by Freddy in their sleep. It’s just a theory of mine, but I think it holds water. As in the original A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Nancy discovers the way to kill Freddy is to bring him into the real world. A bit tough because sometimes people don’t respond to Evites™.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

Key scenes are given an upgrade: the girl being flung around the bedroom and rolling across the ceiling as if rocking out to some invisible song; the blood flood bed (this time coming out of the ceiling); Nancy’s mom getting Freddy’s point(s). Each is satisfyingly harsh, graphically befitting and stylish, with no flinching on the glove love.

Despite this, one gets the feeling that all the teens are just lined up to be deli sliced. Still, a solid reboot that’s way better than that Friday the 13th (2009) remake crapfest made by the same director.

R-rated Werewolves

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , , , on December 11, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DarkwolfIn Darkwolf (2003, lousy title), the world is jammed packed with of werewolves. You know it. I know it. The police know it and have been keeping tabs on these walking shag carpets. Then a really mean super werewolf shows up, sniffing butts like Lassie on Ecstasy and causing people to die by biting their heads off. So rude.

Darkwolf

This uber wolf’s biological groin clock is ticking – he has to find a chick to doggy style with to ensure the purity of his bloodline. Problem is, his breath smells like a rubber chew toy and the chick singled out for this fuzzy mating ritual doesn’t know she’s a werewolf herself. Meanwhile, anyone who is physically touched by the chick retains her scent, which enables the aforementioned mean werewolf a means to track her down.

DarkwolfLots of nudity (and a particularly hot girl-on-girl bit) and boobies. The super wolf doesn’t care about boobies, but I DO. Lots of bodily gore and the ripping off of heads, too. When the wolf transforms from human into lycanthrope, though, they do this incredible lame digital animation thing. This is quite sucky as it ends up looking like a Super Nintendo™ character.

Darkwolf

When the hot chick finally transforms into a naked werewolf, her crotch is the least hairy thing on her body, which looks as though she was dipped in super glue and then rolled in barbershop clippings. The werewolf himself (played by Kane Hodder, Friday the 13th’s 1980 “Jason”) appears to have a papier-mache head.

If there’s any saving grace, it’s that the gals in this flick are visually hot and they get naked a lot. Hey, that rhymes – cool!