Killer Snowman

It’s blizzard-y outside and a truck carry experimental genetic goo slides/crashes into a serial killer’s state-chauffeured ride to the electric chair and a well deserved high-voltage enema, drenching Mr. Criminal in the unpredictable slime.

And like all experimental genetic goo, you can’t predict what effects it’ll have on one’s DNA. In Jack, the killer’s case, though, it turns him into a maniacal snowman with icicle fangs. You can guess what becomes Jack’s new weapons: Christmas lights (for choking), sleds (for decapitating), melting and re-freezing (for fast getaways).

When Jack makes sexually reluctant friends with a supermodel in a bathtub, you could’ve seen the quip set-up a mile away: “Oops – looks like Christmas came a little too soon this year!”

Only two things can stop Jack in his icy tracks: A hair dryer and/or some anti-freeze. Jack Frost (1996) is more or less a cheap-o knock-off of Child’s Play (1988), wherein the serial killer’s soul gets trapped in a doll made for boys. Don’t say it.

The special effects aren’t as plot-riveting as the bathtub boobies, but how often can you say you’ve watched an evil snowman have sex? Non-explicit of course, but you could still see his…snowballs.

Don’t give me that look.