Archive for November, 2012

Non-Zombie Brain Eaters

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , on November 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Brain EatersThe Brain Eaters came out one million years ago (actually 1958), but still has social relevance. Regardless of the title (like they were gonna show people getting their brains eaten back in the ’50s; They never showed two people sleeping in the same bed, for cryin’ out loud), the Brain Eaters aren’t really grey matter munchers, but rather little alien cootie bugs that attach themselves onto the back of your neck and make you do bad things. In contemporary terms, that would be like taping a bottle of beer to your throat – on the inside.

The Brain EatersOnce attached you will soon die, but not before you go on a heavy metal rampage, pushing papers off desktops and punching people in the pie-hole for no reason other than you suddenly don’t like pie.

The Brain EatersThe rocket ship looks like my 1973 Nova, only with more paint. The acting? Let’s just say there isn’t any. Special effects? The entire budget was spent on the spaceship with nothing left over to make The Brain Eaters look a little more “eater.” The story? Stretched as much as my underpants/patience/eco-beliefs.

The Brain EatersBut sci-fi movies from the ’50s are so darn fun to watch, if anything to see how quickly our grandparents dealt with alien life-forms (usually with God, guns ’n guts). When a Brain Eater comes to my neighborhood (no jokes about how it’ll starve around me), I’ll know what to do.

Mexican Dinosaurs

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on November 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast of Hollow MountainThe Beast of Hollow Mountain (1956) is also known as El Monstruo de la Montaña Hueca.  I freakin’ LOVE that. Not sure why, actually. Must be the beer I had for breakfast.

Those cows on that American cowboy’s Mexican ranch just didn’t eat themselves – they were chomped upon by a prehistoric dinosaur. The h*ck you say! But it’s true – a reptileosaurus walks around with bull steers in his mouth as if they were mere hamburgers he found laying on the ground and no one around to claim ownership.

The Beast of Hollow MountainThis makes the cowboy rootin’ tootin’ mad, so he enlists his Mexican neighbors (paid ’em with Canadian coins) to help him shoo the hungry varmint off his land and to quit snacking on his gosh darn livestock. (Compared to the stuffed animals stuffed in its mouth, the plastic dinosaur looks downright real. OK, not really.)

The Beast of Hollow MountainCheesy effects, “aiyeee!” proclaiming Mexicans and an elephant. Yeah, they threw in one of those, too. In for a penny, in for a pound. And if you couldn’t guess why they called it Hollow Mountain, where did you think the dinosaur’s been living all these years?

Talking Decapitated Heads

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on November 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Brain That Wouldn’t DieThe Brain That Wouldn’t Die. A better title might be The Mouth That Wouldn’t Shut Up, as the decapitated head of a brilliant surgeon’s fiancé won’t quit talking. OK, so the doc isn’t a very good driver, as indicated by the car accident that left his sweetie’s noggin completely severed.

The Brain That Wouldn’t DieWrapping the hacked head up in his presumably sterile sport jacket, he takes it back to his upstate New York swingin’ bachelor pad, puts it in a tray, jams some science wires into it and brings it back to life. She tells him she wants to die rather than live her life in something that can be used to bake cornbread. She says it over and over and over. The doc solves that problem with the now “1,002 uses” duct-tape.

The Brain That Wouldn’t DieGetting back into the Decapitation Mobile, he heads (sorry) out to find a suitable body for The Mouth That Keeps Yapping. Stopping by a photographer’s studio, he finds the perfectly large-chested bod of a chick wearing a leopard-skin bikini. Slight problem – manufacturing flaws. (Her face is scarred up, probably from trying to get the skin off the leopard for its swimsuit-esque fur.) Hence, modeling only swimsuits and not make-up.

Being smooth, he tells the chick he’s a doctor and that he can fix her mangled mug. Sounds plausible, so off they go. When Jan (the talking head) hears what’s going on, she uses her recently-acquired telekinetic powers (WTF?) to command the mutant in the closet (again, WTF?) to intercede.

The Brain That Wouldn’t DieThe monster bites a hunk out of the doc’s shoulder, spits it out like it was stale cornbread, rips the arm off the doc’s assistant and sets the nutty place on fire. The mutant, recognizing opportunity, grabs the supermodel and gets the hell outta there. And the Talking Head? Still yapping as the flames do what they’re paid to do. Awesome in 1962. Still awesome in whatever today’s date is.

Evil Is As Evil Does

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , on November 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The EvilA supportive argument for having your new home inspected before you move in as this castle condo in the economically-titled The Evil (1978) has something icky in the basement. I don’t know how you guessed it was the Devil. Luck, I suppose.

This so-called evil guy makes people do things they probably wouldn’t do (unless they were drunk), like taking a power saw to their hand. There are other less bleed-y ways with which to trim one’s fingernails.

The EvilRichard Crenna (Rambo’s baby-sitter) night shifts it as a psychologist with a wife, who is also a doctor, and along with a professor dude, take a pile of students and brain broke patients into the mansion. An evil castle is where you’d wanna take anyone suffering from mental disorders. Darn that Crenna – he just unleashed the ultimate evil – and not in the toilet like everyone else. He unwittingly let Satan out of his box.

The EvilWhat follows: grisly deaths and the aforementioned hand saw with a handsaw. And that old furnace in the basement? It still works, if you know what I mean. One such Doubting Thomas got a lesson in “stop, drop and roll.”

The EvilVictor Buono – who played the hammy King Tut criminal/Egyptian figurehead on the 1960s Batman TV series, appears as the hammy Devil. Did you know Satan’s living quarters are pure white? I would’ve thought a color scheme along the lines of burnt sienna.

Lumberjacked

Posted in Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , on November 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

BunyanYeesh, this one is late gettin’ to the table. I first blogged all over my self about Bunyan TWO YEARS ago (Sept. 8, 2010, for you completists: click HERE). And it’s just now premiering November 17, 2012 at the Shockfest Film Festival in Hollywood.

No wonder I’ve had to go on some sort of medication. Two years is way too long to goon me out about a giant with an axe to grind.

Bunyan The new photos (courtesy of the film’s website dealie bob) look cooler than all get out. You don’t even need a plot – just strategically place a bunch of obnoxious teens in the woods and let nature take its course.

BunyanBut for the sake of those who prefer “plots” and “story lines” (what are you, educated?), here’s a summation: “Kids at a first-offenders’ boot camp discover that the legend of Paul Bunyan is real, but is much more horrifying than they could have imagined. They incur the wrath of the 15-foot monstrous giant, who was banished from town 100 years ago and thought dead.”

I really hope the Paul Bunyan monster takes a dump in the lake where the teens go swimming and then wipes his butt with a bear, and then throws the bear at them. That would be SO cool!

Frogs: Hip Hop Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on November 12, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

FrogsThings in 1972’s weirdo horror classic Frogs has things in the swamp that can eat your face: water snakes (they can swim without using hands because they don’t have any), alligators (your standard go-to face eaters), turtles (yep, turtles), tarantulas (spiders with heavy metal names), lizards (only if they gang up on you), and frogs.

You wouldn’t think so, but frogs would just as soon cut your throat and steal your wallet than have to look twice at your sorry human facial area. So it makes sense to not piss off said creatures. Guess what someone does?

FrogsA better-than-you Southern family lives on an island surrounded by scenic swamplands, and regards the ecosystem as their personal postcard-esque garbage can, spraying toxic pesticides and throwing chemical-laden gum wrappers around like candy wrappers. So much in fact, even if you weren’t a frog, it’d be enough to make you croak.

FrogsAs the family members and their 4th of July guests are systematically murdered by the swamp creatures, it’s the scene where hundreds of toads, singing their song of death and doing their hopping dance of doom, converge on the house without wiping their webbed feet before entering. That is so rude.

FrogsThe Crockett patriarch, an insufferable stuffed shirt of a “country gentlemen,” falls prey to two kinds of nature, one being a heart attack. Guess what the other is? Not for the squeamish or anyone with pronounced Ranidaphobia. I did my homework – trust me, it applies.

Incident at Loch Ness

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on November 10, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Incident at Loch NessIncident at Loch Ness (2004) is a “documentary within a documentary” and was intended to be a tongue-in-cheek wry commentary on film fakery, but I was less than amused.

OK, so the movie is smarter than me. I don’t care. I wanted to see the Loch Ness monster. All I got was a glimpse of its slimy sea hump cresting the water. That part was pretty cool (looked like a seal butt, but more paranormal-y), and that was it. No giant fins or saber-teeth with wiggling wet humans in its mouth.

Incident at Loch NessWerner Herzog and the other filmmakers “argue” and are at artistic odds throughout the whole thing. If I made this flick, I’d have had the Loch Ness monster knock the boat over with fins of doom and toss everyone into the drink where it would then feast upon their shore brains.

I “borrowed” the movie poster from the Blockbuster Video™ up the street from my house as it’s the only cool thing about the movie. All other stuff – NOT COOL.

Giant Monster Rumble

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on November 8, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghidrah –The Three-headed MonsterGhidrah/Ghidorah – geez, why is it so difficult to name a three-headed dragon monster? Call him Jerry and let’s get this show on the road.

On the Ghidorah –The Three-headed Monster (1964) DVD box (spelled differently than the movie poster) says a prophetess (is that even a word?) from Venus has arrived on Earth to foretell cataclysmic disasters. In the movie she claims she’s from Mars. This is repeated over and over. Whoever did the DVD liner notes should have his/her brain eaten. That screw-up nearly wrecked the ENTIRE movie for me. I got over it. Barely.

Ghidrah –The Three-headed MonsterBut the gal from Mars just SAYS she’s from Mars, when in reality she’s taken over the mind and body of a princess from another country slated for assassination. Why her country wants her unliving is never fully explained, but we could care less as Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (i.e., gold colored lightning-belching space dragon) is about to make an appearance on Earth after a sold-out performance on Mars that brought the house down – permanently.

Ghidrah –The Three-headed MonsterNo one believes the “Mars” girl. I didn’t quite buy into her story, even though I’m prone to such things. (X-ray specs, my ass.) But the assassins from her country do, and they re-head to Japan to re-kill her.

While this is going on, Godzilla and Rodan are in a monumental bitch slap and are kicking the crap out of each other. The tiny gals from Infant Island show up to throw their hat in the prophecy ring, warning that King Ghidorah (now he’s a king?) is headed in this general direction. Godzilla and Rodan could care less, so Mothra – in larvae form (the flying version died after drinking 150 thousand shots of Jagermeister™ and Red Bull™) – is sent to appeal to Godzilla and Rodan’s sense of decency and to form a monster alliance to overcome Ghidorah.

Ghidrah –The Three-headed MonsterMothra’s keepers translate the conversation and apparently both monsters could give a dip. They tell Mothra that man hunts them down and are so mean to them all the time. Besides, they’d rather fight themselves, with Godzilla using his bad breath on Rodan’s face and Rodan (looking like a giant leather parrot) pecking on Godzilla’s head. At one point they even play badminton with giant boulders.

Ghidrah –The Three-headed MonsterFrustrated, Mothra takes on Ghidorah herself, and gets her ass soundly kicked. Not one to pass up a good bar brawl, Godzilla and Rodan join the fracas and it’s a four-monster Rumble Royale. Rodan picks up Godzilla and drops him on Ghidorah. Good move. Then Mothra sprays her cocoon webbing all over Ghidorah’s three heads. Excellent maneuver.

The battle action is very fulfilling and, for the brief time the united monsters become allies, heartwarming. Great action and suspense. Rodan’s still a street goon, though.

Giant Octopus vs. San Francisco

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on November 6, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It Came From Beneath The SeaThe impressively huge octopus in 1955’s It Came From Beneath The Sea takes down San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge. Good – that bridge was getting too big for its suspension.

It Came From Beneath The SeaThe squidley, made monstrously large by hydrogen bomb testing, is pretty cool and wrecks stuff as though boats and buildings were made out of cupcakes. (That’d be cool if they were – yum!) And the Navy doesn’t think the monster is groovy as the darn thing keeps hugging it out with their subs.

It Came From Beneath The SeaIt’s up to Commander Pete Mathews (one “t” in his last name – very badass) to stop the ’pus in-between the non-stop lighting of cigarettes and putting the moves on supermodel/marine biologist, Lesley Joyce. Make no mistake – Mathews would love to wrap his arms around Joyce in much the same fashion that the giant octopus is wrapping its arms around bridges and subs.

It Came From Beneath The SeaSince all traditional methods of octo-halting have failed, Mathews is given permission to use an atomic warhead on the beast. Um, wasn’t that what caused the octopus to mutate in the first place?

It Came From Beneath The SeaIn a logic-defying but exciting climax, another marine biologist and Mathews slap on some scuba gear to hunt the monster down underwater and have a few words with the monster, their valid points punctuated by pointed harpoons and torpedoes.

I didn’t think watching San Francisco be destroyed by a giant octopus would be so gratifying. Color me wrong.

King Kong vs. Godzilla: An Epic Punchfest

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on November 5, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King Kong vs. GodzillaKing Kong vs. Godzilla (1962), the world’s two greatest horror icons punching each other in the nuts? Where’s the start button?

This epic bout was arranged by a Japanese pharmaceutical/TV company that heard about a giant monster living on Faro Island. Thinking this would be a cool way to boost their sagging ratings, the company sends two butt-kissing employees to Faro where they encounter King Kong.

King Kong vs. GodzillaMind you, this is not the same King Kong as in the American movies; This Kong drinks booze, gets drunk and passes out. The natives take the juice from giant berries, pour it into kegs and set it out for Kong to drink so he won’t eat people. He’s kind of a lush, though. Ten or twelve kegs and he’s out cold. (It’d be really funny if the natives duct-taped Kong to his couch and put him out in the driveway.)

King Kong vs. GodzillaFurther down the road, Godzilla breaks out of an iceberg (the same one he was buried in face-deep seven years earlier in Godzilla Raids Again /1955), crunching the U.S.S. Seahawk in the process. This makes the drug company president mad as Godzilla is stealing all the headlines.

Once they shake paws, K & G go at it like they were fighting over Mecha-Olive Oyl. This battle is fantastically orchestrated, with both monsters employing killer moves that would win them a championship belt in any other circumstance.

King Kong vs. GodzillaThe movie has two endings: the American version has Kong winning, while the Japanese version has Godzilla as the victor. While Godzilla gets in more licks, my vote goes to Kong on this one, if not for his street fighting style, but for those incredible sh*t-faced expressions he gets while drinking the berry juice.

King Kong vs. GodzillaI myself get that very same look while enjoying an occasional barrel of grain alcohol and a twist of something lemon-y.