Archive for October, 2012

The Snow Creature

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , on October 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snow CreatureThe year was 1954. The movie was called The Snow Creature. In the aforementioned film (The Snow Creature, remember?), an American botanist sets out for the Himalayas in order to discover a type of new weed to sell to hippies. (Since this movie was made in 1954, hippies were then properly referred to as “beatniks.”)

The Snow CreatureRounding up a bunch of Hippies/Sherpas to carry camping crap up the mountain, they trek the snowy, wind-blown slopes. Meanwhile, a 10-foot tall Yeti (Abominable Snowman) has made off with the lead Sherpa’s wife, Woman. (That’s really her name. I’m not making that up. Kinda cool when you think about it.) The Sherpas revolt; Half go home, the other half abandon the thrill of looking for flowers in the snow to get Woman back before… I don’t wanna think about it.

The Snow CreatureThe first half of the movie is nothing more than watching people climb the mountain, with Yeti stepping in and out of dark shadows to impart a sense of dread and dangerousness. (This shot is repeated 15 times.)

The Snow CreatureWhen the Yeti is finally captured, the American decides to ship the hairy douche back to the States in a refrigerator box. Yeti gets loose in the city (L.A.), kills a few people, raids a meat locker for animal pudding snacks and basically steps in and out of the shadows when the plot needs to do something other than watch people run around.

Total Yeti time on camera: 2.3 minutes. Total movie running time: 71 minutes. Subtract the lesser number by the greater number to determine the boredom sub-total.

Revenge of the Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , on October 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Revenge of the DeadRevenge of the Dead is a 1983 Italian “horror” movie, also known as Revenge of the Zombies. Also known as Zeder. Also known as 98 minutes of boring, tedious, non-face eating crap.

The ribbon in an old typewriter (manual word processor, born in 1868, died in 1980) reveals clues pertaining to certain types of terrain that can make the dead come back to life. OK, right about now I’m thinking about putting in a call to Stephen King to let him know he stole this premise for his hit novel/book/movie Pet Sematary (1989). And yes, I have his phone number.

Revenge of the DeadA journalist discovers these clues and drives all over Italy Land to find out if this is true as a premise for his upcoming book, Animale Domestico Sematary. Hardly any blood (I’ve seen more on my tampon), no suspense (the journalist typing in his underwear doesn’t count) and weak excuses for horror (the unseen dead make a sound like a whale blowing into an empty bottiglia di schiocco (pop bottle).

Revenge of the DeadWhen the writer’s excruciatingly gorgeous wife gets killed, he buries her in the “special dirt,” and she comes back, still looking hot, but now really cold. He finds out she’s instantly evil and that’s where it all ends.

Why, oh why do they make the DVD covers look so enticing and then put a “horror mystery” in it with no undead brain-eaters? Maledicali tutti ad inferno. And I sincerely mean that.

 

The She Creature

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on October 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The She CreatureIn The She Creature (1956), Dr. Carlo Lombardi is so dang good at being a carnival hypnotist, he can actually read your thoughts. (He’ll need an interpreter to read mine.) He can also predict when a murder is about to take place. And Lombardi’s pencil-thin moustache and black hair are so slicked with product, he can’t possibly be anything but ill-intentioned.

Lombardi claims that the prehistoric reincarnation of his gorgeous assistant’s spirit is the one doing all the kill murderings of late. The cops can’t hold him as they have no proof, even though Carlo just told them his hypno-powers are what’s creating the problem.

The She CreatureLombardi has his hottie assistant under constant power of suggestion because he doesn’t want to share her hotness with anyone else. She wants out of this deal, but can’t break free of the mind-cuffs. Her name is Marla, but in monster-form it’s Elizabeth. Not Dino-Cindy as one might think, but Elizabeth. Good thing Elizabeth/She-Creature looks mega cool or else I’d be totally let down/bummed/disappointed, etc.

The She CreatureAs ’50s sci-fi monsters go, Elizabeth is quite iconic and is the only female creature this side of the 50-Foot Woman with impressive blouse stuffers. And while chicks normally don’t like scales, this one is covered in ’em. She has nicely-manicured claws but any attempt at lipstick would be futile as she has a growling mouth with prehistoric bridgework.

The She CreatureI felt the part where Elizabeth Monster comes out of the ocean and glows was pretty neat. And she can even convert into smoke and then turn completely invisible. But to ask me to believe that Lombardi is an actual doctor, well, you must think I’m stupid.

Return of the Ape Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on October 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return of the Ape ManReturn of the Ape Man (1944) and…wait a rootin’ tootin’ sec…return? Where’d Ape Man go in the first place? A walk in Jurassic Park? Maybe they’re referring to a different Ape Man as this one was thawed out of slab of ice. fuzzy clothes and all.

Professor Dexter and his lab BFF Professor Gilmore have succeeded in freezing bums for four months, then bringing them back to life with a new injectable energy drink. So why not try it on the ultimate bum, a prehistoric caveman who looks like and ape but acts like a jackass when heated to room temperature?

Return of the Ape ManDexter’s plan is to transplant just enough brain material – just a scoop or two – from a modern man to civilize this party monster. Hmm, who standing around in a lab coat would have an educated brain? Dexter is bound by science, so murder is inconsequential when it comes to rules, man.

Return of the Ape ManYou’d think that Ape Man, now imbued with the power of thought and reason, would head to the store for some beers or maybe a stop by the ’ol corner porno shop for the latest issue of Woolly Mammoths. Not this monkey – he seems compelled to kidnap a hot chick that was his niece in another life (post-caveman, pre-brain, that is).

Return of the Ape ManKinda interesting to watch major surgery done with just a fork, knife and spoon, to say nothing of the recovery time for Ape Man after invasive brain surgery. If you can get past the fact Ape-y is sporting underwear beneath those stylish bear skins, you might find this movie entertaining. For some reason, I kinda did.

A Monster Who Is Really Mad

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , on October 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mad MonsterIf you’re gonna be a monster, you may as well be a mad one. (Mad in crazy train, not mad like “I am so upset right now.”)

The Mad MonsterIn 1942’s The Mad Monster, a scientist who thinks outside the box, thought too far. His experiments with chemicals (hair spray, athlete’s foot powder, hemorrhoid cream) got him outed by his scientific peers, who show up as talking head ghosts (representing his sub-conscious), who tell him that his concepts of injecting wolf’s blood into a human will turn said subject into a man-wolf.

The Mad MonsterHe doesn’t listen, because doing what ghosts tell you is just plain crazy talk. So to prove them all wrong, he invents a formula that turns his gardener into a snarling, murderous werewolf. Today we call that formula “Jagermeister™.”

The Mad MonsterA hitch – with each transformation Wolf Gardener becomes more unpredictable, even peeing on fire hydrants and such. (OK, that really didn’t happen – but it should have.)

Clunky dialogue, bargain basement special effects and a werewolf that looks more like a guy with a Pomeranian glued to his face. Even as dumb as it all is, the garden does looks rather nice.

Mollusk vs. World

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on October 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Monster That Challenged The WorldGreat movie title: The Monster That Challenged The World (1957). The beast didn’t settle for taking on a city or state or even a mixed-race heavily populated low income neighborhood. Nope, he set the bar high and went for the entire world. My kind of monster. Go big or go home, I always say.

The Monster That Challenged The WorldThe monster that challenged the world is a 12-foot tall centipede with arm-breaking mandibles that work like a horizontal bear trap. Arm goes in, arm goes off. They don’t say it’s a mutant centipede, but rather refer to it as a mollusk. That’s too biologically vague for me.

The Monster That Challenged The WorldAn earthquake in the Salton Sea burped up some goo-filled eggs. One such egg is brought back to a science lab to discern its breakfast applications, where it later hatches and unleashes the Earth-challenging terror of the monster mollusk, which craps radioactive crap.

The Monster That Challenged The WorldDespite the slow moving plot, lousy dialogue and standard ’50s sci-fi (military, science guys, one hot chick), the MTCTW is an impressively convincing mollusk.

Only a rich garlic butter sauce can save us now.

Dinosaurs and Monster Birds

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , on October 11, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster BirdsIn a sassy move to capitalize on the crushing success of Japanese giant monster movies, Toei Studios figured they’d cash in with The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds (1977), using historically proven creatures of mass destruction over ones with zippy names and super powers. And flame breath. The results? The dinosaurs and monster birds could’ve used some zippy names. And flame breath

The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster BirdsThere’s a Loch Ness monster type creature living in Japan’s foggy Lake Sai. The buoyant bugger is pretty big, has a long neck, a wet face, and an appetite for swimmers, boaters and divers. A woman out walking in the Sea of Trees (in the States we call it a “forest”), falls into a cavern and discovers the monster’s lair, complete with eggs, steam, and volcanic activity. Telling her story to the press causes the local media to go ape sh*t around the lake, with helicopters buzzing the normally quiet wet hole.

There are a pile of characters taking up time that should be the monster’s moment to shine. Fortunately, the belly-filling beast gets in about six snacks before coming face to beak with another prehistoric anomaly, a giant pterosaur, or “Rhamphorhyncus.” (That’s the last time you’ll see me try and re-spell it.)

The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster BirdsThe battle between the beasts while the volcano starts its eruption sequence is one of those “so bad it’s bad” moments. The bird, barely able to flap its wings in the dense foliage, simple hovers around as though suspended by strings. And the Plesiosaurus can’t take a punch from a giant parrot that belongs on a cereal box.

The Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster BirdsThe Legend of Dinosaurs and Monster was filmed in the mid-Seventies, so of course the special effects are gonna be made by Kraft™. When a Plesiosaurus gets a human in its mouth, I expect to see some chew toy action, not just a few grunts, some steam shooting out its air holes, and a little blood.

Still, it beats going to work.

More Flesh Eating…And Not Zombies This Time

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , on October 9, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cabin Fever: Patient ZeroHollywood dumbasses must think of movies as cows, because they keep milking the same ones over and over. And in the case of Asylum Studios, not just milking, but cloning. Then milking. Then selling cloned milk. (Makes normally delicious cereal taste like CRAP.)

Which directs my attention to the imminent Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, the third in a milked dry franchise. Yeah, the Cabin Fever released in 2002 was pretty cool, what with all the flesh-eating ickiness and close-ups of everybody turning into freshness-expired sandwich meat.

Cabin FeverThen came Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, with one of the clunkiest titles of 2009. It wasn’t so much a movie but rather a series of graphic, gross-out moments. Fortunately, they’re really cool graphic, gross-out moments.

As for Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (for horror movie fans it should be called Patience: Zero), the plot goes like this: “When friends start to show symptoms of a mysterious flesh eating disease in the Caribbean, the countdown is on to solve the mystery and find help. A mysterious and surprisingly unaffected stranger may hold the clue to escape…or may be the cause of their ultimate demise.”

Besides just blowing the entire lackluster plot (the Caribbean? Gimme a break), is there any new ground to be broken, or flesh to be rendered? The optimistic side of me says hell doubtful. But if they want it to succeed, all they have to do is revisit Cabin Fever 2 for some delightful gore moments, because certainly there wasn’t a story line worth mentioning…

Cabin Fever 2: Spring FeverThe toxic sludge that made people rot from the inside out in Cabin Fever gets into the town’s water supply and bottled. That bottled pus is sold all over the place, including a high school, where the kids are using it to make punch for the upcoming prom.

It takes a while for the stuff to work its magic, showing up first as lip sores, leaking external organs, eye herpes… Other than the Contamination Control Division people arriving (with guns) to contain the outbreak, that’s the entire plot.

Again, it’s the gross-outs that are the pay-outs: Infected janitor adding tangy flavor to the punch bowl via a full bladder; dual projectile vomiting into opposing mouths; traveling bus turning a carrier into hot cottage cheese. And the highlight: fire extinguisher to the face – six times. And the blood is not just typical red, either. It’s mixed with black and yellow infection-y stuff.

Dark and funny, but not quite as good or smart as Cabin Fever. But if you like splatter gone wild, then this should suit your tastes. Like hot cottage cheese.

I, Monster…You, Monster…We’re All Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , on October 8, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I, MonsterI, Monster (1973) is a British yet flaccid re-telling of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931). In the early 1900s London, Dr. Charles Marlowe synthesizes a drug that allows his mentally upset patients a way to bring to the surface their deeply-buried inhibitions. Like metaphorically stirring a bowl of broccoli soup after its been sitting since breakfast.

For one prissy uptight young woman, the drug turns her into a slut. (Hey –the joy juice simply gave her permission to do what she always wanted, but couldn’t because of her societal morals. The slut.) For another man, it turned him from a cut-throat business man into a whimpering wuss. And the doctor’s cat went from being fluffy and pettable to a hissing mini lion. A fireplace poker put an end to that nonsense.

I, MonsterFinally, like the cat, we get to the point. Marlowe injects himself. The effects are like eating 14 bowls of Sugar-Frosted Flakes™, where everything makes him so happy, and he embarks on stealing stuff that was just asking for it, to alley knife fights. He walks around with a big cereal-eating grin on his face, and all is well as he can come down with another injection of the antidote. Screw that, it’s more fun living without rules. He becomes addicted to the serum and soon the effects are permanent.

I, Monster

Under the alias of Edward Blake (dumb name – I would’ve called myself Whip Lash or Capt. Fun), he doesn’t really do anything that evil, except wreck his own lab in a fit of desperation. His face looks like a Stage Three crap in the chamber, and he sports teeth that could use a good brushing/flossing. Other than that, a pretty dull guy, this Mr. Blake. Shame – he looked like someone you’d want to party with.

Republicans – Terror From Beyond Space

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , on October 6, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It! The Terror From Beyond SpaceIf you’re a space creature and gonna wave your planet’s flag in everyone’s face, then you are an Earther, an alien hell-bent on permanently recalling all non-native planet life forms. Which would be us.

Such is the case in It! The Terror From Beyond Space, a 1958 classic sci-fi that works not only as tense outer space drama, but a political metaphor as well.

It! The Terror From Beyond SpaceMakes sense that a rescue space ship should be loaded with guns, grenades, gas bombs and a bazooka. Sent to pick up Col. Edward Carruthers, the last remaining survivor of a Mars mission and try him for murdering his crew, it takes nine people in the heavily armed spaceship to bring him to justice. (Note to Carruthers’ legal defense team: I was a witness and watched it call come down on my TV screen – he didn’t kill his crew, a space monster ate ’em. Moon boots and all.

It! The Terror From Beyond SpaceThe monster manages to occupy the prison ship and create unhappy times and/or social unrest for all involved. They use the grenades to try and stop the Republican, uh, creature. How do they expect the bombs to work on the monster when the explosions do nothing to the integrity of the ship? Same results with gas, guns and bazooka. Second verse, same as the first.

And speaking of all things extraterrestrial, the monster sounds like someone clearing their throat into an empty soup can and looks like a reptile with shark teeth, extra long fingers (only three) and sagging rubber in the trunk. After several attacks leave as many dead, it looks like someone owes Col. Carruthers an apology.

It! The Terror From Beyond SpaceFairly intense and somewhat believable for an old time-y election/sci-fi. This was the movie that inspired Alien (1979), except with more grenades, bazookas and recall ballots.