Prehistoric Flying Squirrel

Varan, The UnbelievableThe only thing unbelievable about Varan, The Unbelievable (also known as Giant Monster Varan, 1958) hand me down/cash-in Godzilla (1954) knock-off is that the movie ever got made.

Obachi (Varan’s Japanese and driver license name) lives in Kitakami, a super deep lake feared by the loco/local natives. This is where I get so confused I run into parked cars: the native citizens call their lake monster/mountain god Jigoku-no-Sanjin (like anyone can say that). Or Varan for short. The closest I can figure out is that because its name is so hard to pronounce, they changed it to Obachi for the American release. Man, I hope to Jigoku-no-Sanjin I’m right.

Varan, The UnbelievableAnd because the mountain god who oddly lives in a lake instead of, oh, I don’t know, a MOUNTAIN, the military bombs the stink out of it, thereby ruining the giant monster’s bathroom. This annoys the mountain out of the lumbering (and clearly on DRUGS) Varan, who gets his by tripping into buildings and wrecking really nice landscape. (His roar sounds like he needs some Tums™.)

Varan, The UnbelievableThe American version of this “film” cut out the scenes of Varan in flight. (He looks like a prehistoric flying squirrel and you can see his nuts. Besides caveman tar tar, that’s what prehistoric flying squirrels eat. Don’t give me that look.) And all the stock war footage spliced around V makes this look like a 1950 venereal disease-gone-untreated health film. (Now there’s some real horror.)

Varan, The UnbelievableNote to director: Good news – I wrote a three-page script for a sequel (Varan, The Slightly Believable), which is two more than you did. Bad news: You’re not directing it.

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